6 weeks...vacation over...happy new year

I'm excited to be 6 weeks pregnant but sad vacation is over.  As of tomorrow morning at 5:30am when the alarm goes off vacation will be over. We will be headed back to the cold, dreary Michigan weather.  I love Marco and love Florida.  I love the beach, sun and relaxing that it brings.  I hope to be back real soon!!!  

On the plus side, going home brings the ultrasound one day closer.  We will be headed to GR Friday afternoon to get a little peek at the babycakes.  Praying and hoping that everything is ok.  Feeling ok so far.  A few waves of nausea but nothing too bad.  Having a little bit of a hard time sleeping through the night and also being really tired during the day.  Knowing and hoping these are all good things.  I'm still having thoughts about what might be on Friday.  Trying to push those out of my head. Trying to only think of the positive.  It has to be our turn to keep this baby.  I know that's not how it works, but I don't want to go through all that again.  So we'll be praying for good news on Friday.

And last but not least....Happy New year.  2008 was a fun year in many ways, but in others it was hard, sad and frustrating.  I have made good friends, I have connected better with others even if they live far away.  I am closer to my mom, my husband and my friends.  I take more time to relish in the good things.  And am so thankful for everything I have.  I could have done without the miscarriage and all the trials trying to have a baby.  I could have enjoyed my job more and could have had more patience.  Maybe next year I will work on that.  I've already decided my resolution will be to deliver a live, healthy baby.  If there are other things that come to mind, then I'll add them to the list, but for right now, that is THE most important thing to me.  I will be hoping and praying for 2009 to bring good things to all my friends and family.  Good health for my mom, good business for my dad, new jobs, engagements, and growing, healthy children for my friends.  So here we go...ready or not...into 2009!

Sunday 5

Here we are, another Sunday.  So here's this weeks list of what I'm happy/thankful for

1) Thankful for a wonderful Christmas Day with my husband.  We had a nice day all to ourselves.  

2) So happy to be in sunny Florida with my family.  It's warm, wonderful and sunny here...I love it!

3) Thankful for safe travels for myself and all my friends who have traveled over this week to visit friends and families.  I know not all the travels are finished with, but I hope and pray everyone makes it home or where-ever they're going safely

4) So happy and thankful to still be pregnant (as far as we know).  We haven't had a lot of symptoms (which is frightening) but we haven't had anything to lead us to believe otherwise.  

5) And last but not least, happy for being able to share our big news with my family this week. My parents and brothers are so excited for us.  It will be fun to share this journey with them.  Especially my mom....she's been waiting for this for a long time (well, not as long as we have, but you know what I mean.

I'm still very nervous about this whole baby thing. I'm not feeling very pregnant and I know I will regret saying that someday, but for right now, I just want something to give me a sign that everything is ok with the little babycakes.  Only 5 more days til the ultrasound.....I DO NOT want to wish away our vacation so I'm going to enjoy every second I sit by the pool or on the beach, but I'm excited to see the little one.  Praying so hard that everything is ok this time.  

Merry Christmas

I've been wanting to post all day, but didn't know exactly what to say.  Of course I'm feeling blessed to be pregnant right now, but I feel like I'm having a hard time.  I had a horrible stomach ache last night and then woke up with it again this morning.  So of course my mind went straight to the worst case scenario.  I haven't had any issues since, but it's still hard not to think about.  All this has been taken away before, what's to stop it from happening again.  But here we are at 5 weeks, so for now everything is good.  

Our evening so far has been uneventful.  My husband is sick with his 3rd cold in as many months.  I'm starting to get worried about him.  He usually never gets sick. And I haven't caught any of the colds from him.  Which is good for me and I hope that continues! We've started packing for the trip. Trying on all the summer clothes is somewhat depressing.  After almost 2 years of trying to have a baby, I've gained 10-13 pounds.  It's quite frustrating and I'm mad at myself for not trying harder to lose some of it when I could.  Oh well, I guess I'll go down there and wear my shorts and t-shirts and not worry about it.  The goal will be to not worry about anything.  

Merry Christmas to everyone.  I hope you all have a wonderful holiday with friends and or family and safe travels wherever that may be.  

Sooo cold!!

It's just so cold here...and we've had so much snow. I think we're just shy of the record for the most snow in December in this area. I know everyone likes a white Christmas, but when I can barely make it into work, that's a bit excessive. And it hasn't barely been over 10* in the last several days. That is TOO cold! I am so looking forward to our trip south on Thursday. I looked up the weather last night and it was a full 79* warmer there than here (1 here and 80 there). So yeah, can't wait.

On the pregnancy front, no real news. Still feeling ok. Tired and have to pee a lot, but ok. Those little thoughts of doubt are starting to creep in, but I'm trying to shove them back out as soon as they appear. No reason to let them win. We've even had a discussion about names! Crazy. I think both of us are just so hopeful this time around! And it's fun to talk about it. We'll probably change our minds a hundred times between now and August anyway! The only other thing I've noticed is the size of my chest. It apparently grew overnight. It just seems bigger today. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm imagining things, but it seems that way. I should get a measuring tape and check it out!

So anyway, the prayers are continuing for a healthy, sticky baby. Less than 2 weeks now til the u/s....trying not to get too excited!!

Sunday 5

Is it Sunday again?  Seems like I was just doing this.  I guess this last week flew by! I'm sure the next 2 will fly as well.  With the holiday and traveling and of course the upcoming ultrasound.  It'll be here before we know it.  It's a blustery, cold, winter day here.  I'm sort of over all this snow and the thermometer reads 3*....that's a little too cold for my taste.  And we're going to the in laws for Christmas today.  Not really looking forward to that.  Worried about telling them our news and how they'll react.  I worried about this last time too.  They're just so odd.  Oh well....hopefully they don't say something stupid!  And hopefully they actually listen and don't go blabbing it to the entire town like we will ask.  

Anyway....onto the 5 things I'm happy/thankful for this week

1) First off, very thankful and happy for the bfp on Monday and the good beta #'s on Tuesday and Thursday.  I'm very hopeful this time around and will be praying from now til  August for a healthy, happy baby!!  

2) Very glad my parents and brother made it to Florida safe and sound.  Traveling is such a toss up these days.  Although they were flying direct so less chance of delays and cancellations.

3) Thankful for the year end profit sharing check we got at work this week.  I wasn't really sure we had done that well this year.  It's been a tough year for all businesses and ours isn't exempt from that.  

4) So happy that my husband is out plowing the driveway right now without expecting me to go help.  He knows I hate it and the dr. said no lifting over 30#s.  I'm sure that snow isn't over 30#'s but why risk it.  And I think he likes to do it.  

5) Excited for the holiday break we're going to have come Thursday.  I know that's not last week, but I've been thinking about it and getting ready for it for a while now.  Only 4 days left!!! 

Snow snow and more snow

Well...we got the snow they said we would.  It snowed like crazy all morning so we closed the office early and went home.  It finally stopped snowing and we probably could have stayed all day...oh well. I had a wonderful afternoon at home with the husband.  

My only concern is this progesterone is causing my skin to be really irritated.  So irritated that it's raw and bleeding a little.  And I know it's not internal bleeding b/c I inspected it quite thoroughly (TMI, I know).  But it's just so painful and it itches.  I'm going to see how it progresses but plan to call the dr on Monday if it doesn't go away to see if there's something I can put on it to at least soothe the pain.  I googled the issue and apparently it is common.  Who knew. I didn't have this problem before.  I'm trying my best to ignore it at the moment.  

Oh and I added a ticker....probably premature, but I feel good about this and I want to enjoy every second I have.  So this is what I'm doing!

Second beta is 232. Good number (according to the nurse anyway). So I'm happy. We scheduled the ultrasound for Jan 2nd. Since it's a holiday week and I'm out of town til the 1st, we have to do it in Grand Rapids, but I have the day off work so I don't care. And I don't even have to make up some excuse to be gone either...yay! So now I start praying for a little flicker of a heartbeat and that my little one wants to stick around in there for a while!! I think our trip will help time fly by and of course the holidays always help. We have plans tonight and over the weekend a few Christmas activities. And only 2 1/2 days of work next week. The trip will be here before we know it. Can't wait.
Thank you again for all the thoughts and prayers....I really appreciate it.

**update** and if it doesn't seem like I'm excited, that is totally NOT the case. We are both over the moon excited and hopeful for this little one!!! Trying to keep it in check a little bit...but it's getting worse and worse by the day!!

First beta number is 114.  Higher than last time....so still cautiously optimistic.  Praying for a good number on Thursday.  The nurse gave me the 'rules' of early pregnancy.  Which she obviously read off some sheet.  Pretty self explanatory.  No heavy lifting, no drugs, alcohol, kitty litter etc.  Yes to Tyle.nol, su.defed, rob.tussin.   Lots of fluids and small meals.  Small cramps are ok, bright red bleeding, not ok. Basically take it easy and pray for good numbers on Thursday. We'll set up the first ultrasound that day too.  Probably won't be til the first week of January, but with the holidays and travel, that will be here before we know it!!!  Praying hard for a good healthy pregnancy!!!

Here we go again...

Well.....here we go again....the test was positive! Dean and I are super excited, cautious, but excited. I plan to call the dr this morning and will have to go in for blood work today or tomorrow morning. And probably set up our 1st ultrasound, which will most likely be the 1st full week of January. I didn't take a picture of the test this morning...it was far too early to be thinking of things like that. But I probably will tonight. And I have 1 test left so I'll probably take that this week too....just to see the line pop up. So now the praying starts to keep this little one snuggled in tight for the next 9 months....we got our wish for a Christmas miracle....now just to keep this little miracle. I am going to try to be positive and enjoy all the time I know I have. It might be hard, but I know I can do it.
Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers...I can't say thank you enough! I hope this is it for us and I can't wait to introduce our little one next August!

Sunday Five

It's Sunday again already?  Here are the 5 things I'm happy/thankful for this week...

1) My dear husband putting up with me and this 1st cycle back on the horse.  He's been very supportive!

2) My mom got the approval to move her blood draws to Kalamazoo cutting her trips to Detroit in more than half!!!  This will free up several days a week!

3) My mom got good news on her scans...they showed slight improvement! This is a 1st for her.  In her 10+ years of cancer treatment, she's never had improvement.  It was only slight, but we'll take what we can get.  Now if we can just get the side effects under control.  

4) My brother finished his 2nd to last semester in college this week.  I think we're all happy that he's that much closer to graduating! 

5) And last but not least, happy for all my friends who have been there for me these last few weeks.  It means the world to me!  

Test day is tomorrow....I'm nervous and worried. I wanted to test today, but Dean convinced me not to.  So if anyone has any extra prayers....please send them our way.  I'm hoping and praying this is it for us....it's been 22 months and I think we're both ready for this.  No, I don't think...I know we're ready.  Anyway, I'll be posting the results, one way or another, tomorrow....

Almost Friday

I feel like I've been hit with a Mack truck today. Tired and cranky. I was up at 5am again...this is getting old! I woke up because I had to pee, and then the cat thought it was time to get up. So he cried for like 35 minutes. I tried to get him to come on the bed with me so I could pet him, but no. So I finally fell back asleep after deciding not to go to the gym, so of course I feel guilty! But I thought the sleep would help me feel better. Apparently not. Although despite being tired, this morning has gone by relatively quickly. As I was trying to fall back asleep this morning, my mind couldn't help but wander to babies and all the 'what if's' that I can't discuss with my husband. He hates that game! I think that also had something to do with my not sleeping.
On another note, 2 weeks from today we'll be on our way to sunny Florida. I suppose our plane doesn't leave til 6pm, so we won't be on our way right now...but you get the idea. I'm so looking forward to spending some time with good friends on the beach. They have been friends with Dean forever and now I'm friends with them too. They live in Tampa and when they come 'home' they have a lot of people to see, so we don't get to visit with them too much. So spending a few days with them while they are on vacation in Venice will be fun. And their dogs are super cute!
Anyway...enough rambling...it's almost lunch:-)

Counting down

I feel like I'm counting down to so many things right now...testing, our Christmas lunch (and half day off work), my haircut, friends coming over for lunch, my parents leaving for Florida, us leaving for Florida. It's all coming...but not fast enough!! I know I shouldn't wish away the time, but it's so hard! And I'm sure writing about it doesn't help, but too bad. Hopefully after today the downhill slide to the weekend will be quick and I know the weekend will be quick!! The Christmas lunch is Tuesday, haircut Thursday. My parents leave Thursday too which hopefully will alleviate some stress. My dad is a royal pain in the ass this time of year. I am pretty convinced he does it to himself, puts himself in orbit about the year end at the business, spending money at Christmas, everything. And he's been taking my mom to Detroit for her treatments and subsequent appointments and now bitching about that. I keep telling him that she's a big girl, she can go alone. She's been in cancer treatment for 10 1/2 years and he didn't go with her when it was here...but as part of the study they have to do a "personal study" or something and the director told him he was the "poster child of cancer care"....excuse me while I laugh my head off! So now he things he's obligated to do all this. He's driving everyone crazy, micromanaging everyone at work and my mom, and it's getting old. Ugh....only 2 weeks and 1 day and we will be on the beach...can't wait! At least he won't be in quite a state down there! And we're staying in a different hotel....thank gosh for space.

As a disclaimer...I am thankful for my parents and all they do for us...but I work with my dad and right now it's just too much togetherness. Everyone needs a little time to vent!! Less than an hour left at work...wahoo!

Another one bites the dust

And another friend is pregnant. She's only 10 weeks so she's not ready to 'announce' yet, but there were some posts on her facebook that were somewhat encrypting...so I had a feeling what was coming. Oh well....of course I'm a little bummed. Funny how different the emotions are when different people announce this news. The last friend that announced hit me so hard. I was so upset. With this, I'm feeling ok. I'm happy for her and excited for her. I'm still hoping to be excited for me soon too!

Only a few more days. And don't worry...after yesterdays post it might have seemed like I was going to go right out and pee on a stick, but that didn't/isn't going to happen. I actually don't even have any in the house (for this reason). So I will go buy one when I need one! That will put off any testing too early! I'm going out with my mom tonight to do some errands and have dinner. So that will be fun. I'm wishing the end of the work day will get here sooner, but no such luck. At least tomorrow is midweek!!!

Long week??

Do you ever have those days that you just want to pee on something? I'm going nuts today. No, there's no way I could be pregnant, but when I woke up at 5:15 (a whole 30 minutes before my alarm went off) this morning, first I was pissed, then I thought...wait....waking up to pee?? Does this mean anything? Then I had to shoot myself back to the ground, no you moron...it's WAY too early for that. Now today I'm exhausted...pregnancy exhausted? Again...no you moron, too early. But you know where this is going. Me trying to decide what is too early to test?? According to the nest and other places 12 dpo is acceptable. Anything earlier than that is just peeing on money. So here we go...it might be a long week:-)

Sunday 10

So I heard through a friend/blog about this and thought I'd give it a try.  Every Sunday write a blog entry about ten things I'm happy about/thankful for that happened in the past week.  Ten seems like a lot (I'm sure I'm thankful/happy about a lot of things, but a lot of them might be the same) so I'm going to start off doing 5.  And I might make this a monthly thing rather than a weekly thing.  We'll see how it goes.

My list this week:

1) Seeing my grandma for the first time since last year (this was a little earlier than this week, but still...)

2)  Happy to have 4 follicles for this first cycle since the m/c (praying this goes somewhere!)

3)  Thrilled to have seen 2 friends I haven't seen in a long time and talking to another friend I haven't talked in a while.  I miss them all!!

4)  Got some potential good news about my moms cancer study (hopefully this one makes the list again in the near future with for sure good news!!)

5)  Excited at the prospect of a good friend moving back closer to home...

So yeah, 5 was harder than I thought!  We'll see how this goes:-)

On the baby front, I have started the pro.metri.um.  I am to take it 2x a day.   Does anyone know if you have to take it in the morning and at night?  I have been doing it in the am and before I go to bed. But I usually go to the gym in the morning and I'm worried about it leaking and being gross.  I suppose I could take it to work, but that sorta grosses me out.  I was thinking if I took it when I got home from work and then before bed that's 5 hours apart....and I could lay down for a few minutes after...who knows. I guess I'll call the office and ask tomorrow.  And for the time being I'll just deal with it.  I guess something will get absorbed no matter what, right?

Here's to a fast, good week.  Praying, praying, praying for good news in 7-8 days!!!!  

Other news

Today is long and boring...I can't wait til 4:00 so I can go home and do nothing tonight. We were supposed to go to a party but I am just not feeling it. I have felt awful all week and don't feel like being social. So we'll sit home and watch Grey's that we missed last night and I might do some baking. We'll see.
In other news, I just found out that there's a small chance my mom can start taking her chemo here instead of Detroit. Apparently our cancer center (that she's been going to for the last 10+ years) was just accepted as a place for this study so the nurses there have been fighting for the drug company to release my mom to their facility because they know what a hardship it is to drive over there every week (sometimes for several days). And the coolest part....they were doing all this without even asking/telling her because they like her so much and want her around. So sweet. I just knew there were good people out there still! She's so excited but trying not to get her hopes up. She will find out hopefully this afternoon or Monday. If the drug company won't release her, she's going to ask if she can at least do the blood draws here. That would save several trips. She'd only have to go once every 3 weeks for treatment to Detroit. Again, this is all up in the air, but it would be a huge weight off her and my dad. I can't pray enough that this works out for her!!! She takes everything in stride, she does whatever the doctors want her to. Doing this study has been so hard on her physically and mentally. Being gone all the time and the drug basically sucks. Makes her sick and feel awful. At least the spots aren't growing, so that's good. Wouldn't want to feel like that for no reason. A little good news would go a long way in this journey!
So besides baby prayers I'll be praying for good drug company news too!!
Now the countdown to 4:00 begins!!!

Thursday already?

So for this week feeling like it was dragging, I can't believe it's Thursday afternoon already. And I have fun dinner plans tonight, so I'm looking forward to that! Now if I could just get this stomach pain to go away. I've had it since Tuesday night and it has been coming and going, but right now it's really painful. I thought originally it might have been from the dil.do cam, since she was really pressing in there. But now I don't know what it is. My belly seems distended and it just hurts. I've been taking Tums, but so far, no relief.
Well...only a few more hours of work and then off for some fun. And tomorrow is Friday...one week down...one to go!

Article

I was excited to see this in our paper last night. It is nice to know I'm not the one who can't have a baby. These poor women have been through far worse then I have!! I'm just glad it shed a little more light on the subject...maybe someday it won't be so taboo to talk about!

Happy Wednesday...we're halfway to the weekend!!!

Holy Follicles

So much for my defeatist attitude...apparently the 150mg of clomid worked!! I had 3 follicles (21, 20 and 19) and one at 15.5 which apparently puts at borderline over stimulated for my age. We haven't been in this situation yet so we haven't had this conversation yet. She gave us the speech about multiples and if we were ok with 3 or 4...yikes. But since we that last one wasn't over 16 we were ok to continue, but she wants us to think about selective reduction if all four fertilize (highly unlikely!!!) So we'll think about it, but I doubt that it will ever become a reality. Two would be great, three would be ok, four? I just don't know. So now we have a 'schedule' and I can take a hpt in 2 weeks. Who hoo! Now I just need to recover from the magic wand...she was really pushing and prodding in there! Poor Dean, the look on his face was priceless during the whole thing! But I think he's excited too...
Now the prayers start...if you have any extra, please pray for one of these little guys to fertilize, implant and stick around for about 9 months!!

What time is it?

Who knew the time difference between Michigan and California could screw with a person this much.  Ugh, we hardly slept last night. The cats were too excited to see us and therefore kept up us up a lot of the night.  And tonight I feel exhausted. I need to finish getting ready for the week so I can be in bed on time.  

I'm starting to be nervous about going to the RE's office tomorrow.  I haven't been since our follow up appointment back in the beginning of September.  We won't see our dr, he's there on Thursdays.  Which is fine, the dr doesn't really tell us much during these ultrasounds.  And I'm still not too hopeful that there will even be any decent size follicles.  

Ok, enough of this pitiful post.  We'll see what the magic wand sees tomorrow! 

Home

We're finally heading home today. I'm more than ready.  We've had a nice trip, but I can tell you I have discovered I will never have a dog.  These two are obnoxious.  I'm sure if we had our own they'd be trained to our schedule, but still.  We'll stick to cats for now.  

The ultrasound is Monday which still feels days away.  I'm sure it'll be here quick.  Dean got sick on Thursday so (selfishly) I hope he's better by Monday and that he doesn't give it to me.  Don't want to waste a cycle:-)  But if we have to we have to.  I guess we'll see.  I don't really think it's going to work (not real optimistic).  It'll be a long 2 weeks!!  

Well, better get showered and ready for the long trip home!  

Happy Thanksgiving

We sure do have a lot to be thankful for.  I had temporarily forgotten that this morning when i had a small bout of homesickness.  It felt very empty around here in a strange house with just me and my husband.  But once I started getting ready and my grandma came over and we had another friend too, it was fun.  We had a nice dinner and watched some football.  Overall it was a good day and I'm exhausted.  

Wine tasting

Today was super fun! We went wine tasting in Napa.  This will probably be a short update, but we got to SF Saturday at 4 (a whole 30 minutes early....yay southwest!!)  It was a long flight but uneventful. The best kind.  We rented a car and drove into the city to see a friend. Had dinner and then headed out to my aunt/families house.  Got here around 9 and were exhausted.  We chatted for a bit and then went straight to bed.  Sunday we saw my grandma and then met my aunt and cousin at the BART to go back into the city to shop.  It was super fun and really busy.   We have horrible shopping at home so it's great to shop in a 4 story Nord.strom.  We bought a small Christmas present for a friend, but nothing else.  I lost the charm off my Tiffany bracelet so I lost interest real quick.  I am so disappointed, but I guess I knew it would happen eventually.  So bummed.  We came home and had dinner with grandma and everyone.  Today we went to Napa to do some wine tasting and have lunch.  It was a nice drive and beautiful scenery and the wine was good too!  Now we're just hanging out at home.  Not sure what we'll do the next few days, but Thanksgiving will be low key and hopefully not a lot of work!    And then we go home Saturday.  Seems like a long time away, but it'll be here quick!!  Overall it'll be a great trip!

Schedule

No HSG this cycle...which is fine by me. So I start the Clomid tomorrow and have our follie check on Dec 1st. I realize this is right after I am gone for a week from work, but oh well. It'll only take a half hour or so. Which means I could be taking a pee test on the 15th or 16th of Dec. Yikes, that doesn't seem that far away!

SF is in 3 days...I'm getting excited. I'm hoping for no side effects from the drugs (I've been lucky to have not had any up to now) so I can enjoy my trip. And then when we get back there will be no more waiting for the u/s. I have a feeling this is going to be a long cycle since I'm not used to waiting like this. I guess we'll see and I'll keep my fingers crossed.

She's back

**update**
I'm a freak...I already checked what my edd would be if (that's a big IF we got pregnant this cycle). I'm not hopeful, but I am a freak!

Well...I think AF is here for real now. I have had tremendous cramps all afternoon yesterday and bright red flow last night and today (although it's tapering off some). So for all intense and purposes I'm counting today as CD 1. This is all well and good EXCEPT the HSG is to be done CD 5-9 and I will be in CA those days. My REs office is closed today so I'm going to monitor the rest of today and tonight and call tomorrow to see if I can maybe do it CD 3 on Friday (not what I want to be doing before I have to get ready to travel, but oh well). And if nothing else get my ultrasound scheduled. So there's a small chance I could be pregnant by Christmas. Not banking on it, but maybe.

Wahoo for AF....I never thought I'd be this happy to see her!

Lyrics

You know how sometimes lyrics to a song hit you just the right way....

Well since my dear husband let me borrow the new Nickle.back album (which by the way is GREAT!!!) The chorus of the current release just reminds me of my feelings about having a baby and also rings true to some of the blogs I read. Everyone wants someone to care, everyone wants to know there's something else out there for them. And I know this song is not about having babies to the singer, but to me...that exactly what it means. And to all you out there who feel like you're alone...you're not...We can all be in this together!

`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.

'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.

Someone to love with my life in their hands.

There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own

And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.

Somebody else that feels the same somewhere.

There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Well, the camera is officially broken. Now to decide if I should just buy a new one or try the refurbished route. The S.ony website sells some refurbished ones at a discounted price. But I'm not sure I really want to buy someone else's problems. I don't know. I know this is stupid and I shouldn't be so worried about it, but for some reason it's driving me crazy. I am pretty sure it kept me awake most of last night. I just feel so guilty. I HATE this feeling. And my husband is so sweet. He keeps telling me it's ok and has run all over town getting people to look at it. And even today at lunch he let me take the new Nickle.back cd he has been waiting so patiently for before he could go home and burn it. I know I am lucky to be able to call him my husband. I think that's part of my problem. I know what a wonderful person he is and I don't feel like I've been that wonderful lately.

On another note...4 days left til San Fran. I'm starting to get more and more excited for the trip. I know it will be here and then be gone before I know it. I will do my best to enjoy every second with my grandma. I have a few friends who have lost or are losing grandparents right now, so it's helping me remember that I need to enjoy these visits. Even if I don't have fun baby news to share or things to go shopping for, I can still just enjoy our time together. So that is exactly what we'll do!

New Look

So I changed the look again...and I love it....I love pink! (I'm thinking it will help change my mood!!)

Since I wrote earlier today I can't stop thinking about what should have been, what could have been. I need to get these thoughts out of my head. They are all compounding and that can't be good. I broke my camera over the weekend by dropping it and that is making me feel worse. Isn't it funny how one little thing seems to toss you right over the edge? It's a stupid $200 camera and I'm a mess about it. I'm sure it's something a little more than that, but for right now, the camera is what's causing the mental breakdown. I feel guilty because we shouldn't be spending the money on a new camera, then I feel bad because we shouldn't even have money problems in the first place. I should have been able to just get pregnant like everyone else. Not have to pay thousands of dollars. Oh this vicious cycle....please stop...please. All because of a stupid camera and a stupid accident.

Time for bed. Sleep is the one thing that can make things better.

5 days til VACATION!

Well, we leave for San Fran in 5 days. I'm very excited, but for the first time in a long time, I'm thinking back on the pregnancy and playing the 'what if' game. I haven't paid much attention to the time frame of things, but I would probably be finding out if we were having a boy or girl this week. At least when we found out about the pregnancy, I was hoping we would know by now. I was so excited to be going to visit my aunt and grandma and knowing what we were having. Being able to share that with them, going shopping and just talking about it. Now, what am I going to talk about? The fact that my body doesn't work right? The fact that I can't seem to get through this stupid m/c stuff and start a new cycle? Ugh....frustrating for sure. And of course I fall back into feeling guilty. Guilt is a tough emotion. We all know we shouldn't have it, but there it is...following us around. There are so many people out there dealing with things far worse than this! Death, illness, sadness, loneliness. All things I have dealt with in the past, but right now, what I'm going through is nothing compared to these. I'm just trying to remind myself of that.
Although despite this small setback, I feel like I've been doing well. I don't feel as sad and bitter about our situation. I feel oddly at peace. Now when the next cycle starts again, I am sure all those feelings will come flooding back, but for now, I'm going to try to enjoy myself! And keep the countdown going....5 more days til vacation!!!

Lying

Why is it that people have to lie? I work with a woman who lies to my face all the time. And usually it's stupid. Today for example....stupid. I was gone yesterday. And we have an unspoken rule that when one is out the other helps out with their emails. I did for 3 days while she was out sick (again). Meaning I was doing the job of 2 people basically. No, not fun, but it makes it easier on the person coming back. So I come back to day and NOTHING is done. Now I know this makes me sound like a selfish bitch, but it's frustrating. So then she tells me it was insanely busy and she didn't even think about my stuff until "4:39"....really? You looked at the clock at 4:39 and thought about it? And then remembered to tell me that exact time? No you didn't. Well, our IT guy set it up while I was out one day so we could check each others emails without forwarding or turning the others computer on. And she told me today that she didn't want to do that to mine without asking me. So I checked and yep, it's already set up. It was that way when she did it a few weeks ago. And now she's over there talking on the phone to her family and friends. I swear to God I will sit here doing nothing before I help her with her stuff. I know I'm being petty and stupid, I just do not like being lied to. Especially when it's right to my face. And considering I've gotten all of 3 emails today and 1 phone call....I HIGHLY doubt it was all that busy yesterday. Needless to say I am counting down the hours to 4:00 today to get the HELL out of here!
But the weekend will be a fun one...so looking forward to that!

Thursday

Another blood draw today. I took the day off work but ended up getting up at the same time I usually do...thank you kitty cat. Apparently he has an alarm in his head and he knows when it's 5:40...ugh. So I got up and did my daily routine at the gym and headed to the lab. But the good part is I got to come home after...NOT go to work! Anyway, the office finally called and said that my numbers were finally at 5. The magic number. I asked about the provera and she wanted to double check with the dr but thought that he'd probably have me just take it. Well...apparently not. He wants me to wait 14 days and if no AF then start taking it. I know...in the grand scheme of things 14 days is nothing. But it's still frustrating. I guess the only good thing is I'll be headed to CA in a little over a week and that will help time fly by! And we all know December comes and goes in a flash. Although with all this waiting I can't help but think that our two year TTC anniversary is too close for comfort. And at the rate we're going I am not thinking a 2009 baby is in our future. But we'll see. I've been wrong before, and I hope I'm wrong about this. I feel like I've been calm about all this waiting, but it is really starting to get to me. I know that something as good as parenthood is worth the wait...I just have to keep reminding myself of that. And while I wait, it's ok to be frustrated, jealous, sad and mad. But it's ok to be happy too. So, bottom line, I'm learning to take the good days with the bad. Today was a good day. I can only hope tomorrow is too.
So...now we wait!

It's baaaaack....

Yep, the spotting is back. I'm hoping AF is soon to follow. But after counting out the days in the shower this morning, I have a feeling this cycle will be a bust. I will most definitely be in San Fran during ultrasound time. Which could mean I'll be in Florida for the next cycle...blech. Oh well. Nothing I can do about it now. I guess at least I can get the HSG done.

Well...better get to work. I've spent the last 20 minutes screwing around on the Internet....gotta love procrastination!

Monday Monday

Doesn't it seem like Mondays come WAY faster than Fridays? I think so...this last weekend went by so fast!! Granted we were gone all day Saturday to the WMU game at F.ord field. It was really fun. I have seen the stadium, but never been inside. We both had a good time. We had dinner with my brother who lives over there. His wife had to study, so we didn't see her. Then we stopped at I.kea on the way home. Have you ever been to this monstrosity of a store? Goodness...it's huge!! We had no idea what we were getting into. So we wandered around, bought a few small things and then got on our way home. It was nice to spend some time with my husband. I think he enjoyed it too.
Sunday I did laundry for my mom and cleaned my house. Pretty uneventful. This week will be about the same. Uneventful. Nothing too fun going on. I plan on taking a day off Thursday or Friday to help my mom get her house ready for a pre-holiday Holiday party at her house. Which we were invited to on Saturday. Sunday we are having Dean's golf team over for a banquet dinner. What do you feed 10 college girls when one is a vegetarian and one is a vegan??? Especially when I am not anywhere near EITHER of these. The vegetarian shouldn't be too hard...that I can probably handle. But they've had issues with the other girl. She likes to make a big deal out of what she can and cannot eat. Makes it hard for the others. Oh well. I plan to have salad, if nothing else, she can eat that.
And of course there's the dreaded blood draw on Thursday. Which I just realized might throw a kink into my day off:-( boo. Oh well, I'll figure it out.
I'm hoping for a good week. So far (other than it being cold and November-y outside) it's going ok. And yes, November-y is a new word!!

TGIF

I'm so glad it's finally Friday. This week actually went fast for me, which is a new thing! Just glad it's the weekend! And the crazy one at work is gone:-) even better!

I had the weekly blood draw again yesterday. The levels are still at 8 so I have to go back...AGAIN...next Thursday. I swear, it better be gone by then. I called the nurse back to voice my concerns and frustrations and she basically said that she knows it's been a long time, but sometimes it takes this long. Seriously? Over 2 months? Seriously? I had a moment and now I'm better. Not happy about it, but better. I mean really, what can I do? So we wait. Again.

We might (big emphasis on might) go to F.ord Field tomorrow to the WMU game which would be fun. We don't have tickets yet, so we might not. But it was an option. It would be fun to get out and actually do something! We'll see. Other that it should be a pretty low key weekend.

Operation "Be Happy"

So in my endless search for happiness, I decided Monday to just be happy. Yeah, that lasted all of 2 days. After a day of internal plumbing issues and severe stomach pain, I woke up to a bloody nose and the onset of a cold. All this on top of the constant political discussion from yesterdays election. I realize that we all didn't get what we wanted, but I guess that's life. The most we can do now is hope and pray that our president elect can handle all the problems he is taking on. It's a tough job for anyone to tackle. Our local elections were more of a concern for me. Not that the president isn't a big deal, but our local elections set the groundwork for higher up political workings. I would have liked to have seen things a little differently. Oh well...it's over now and I haven't heard a single "this was approved by" or "vote for me" or any other political commercial...thank gosh!
I'm going in for yet another blood draw tomorrow. I am really hoping my levels are finally at 0. I can hope right?? I promise not to be too upset when they're not though. The spotting stopped 2 weeks ago, so I'm debating what to do next. Do I take the provera even though it could take 20 days or more to work? Do I just wait it out and hope that AF comes 4 weeks after I stopped spotting (which would be in about 2 weeks)? Has anyone out there taken provera? Did you have good luck with it? Did you start a cycle right away? Or did it take a while? I plan to ask the nurse this as well, but I doubt she'll be much help. You know how they are....always telling you everyone is different, it responds differently each time, etc, etc. So we'll see. I still have a very small window of hope to start AF today or tomorrow (probably not happening) but I can still have hope right?
My other dilemma is whether or not to go with my mom tomorrow to Detroit for her blood draw. I've been wanting to go, just to see the place. And I'd like to spend sometime with her and maybe even see my brother and SIL while I'm there. But I don't know about being gone.
Ok...back to work:-)

Thankful

After the pathetic post yesterday, I felt guilty. A horrible feeling. It sneaks up on you and won't go away. So instead of feeling guilty for feeling sad, I am forcing myself to think about other things....so today I'm making a list of things I'm thankful for.

Friends, family, husband, Kitty cats, food, financial stability, a home full of love, beautiful sunshine outside, and the choice to be happy.

I'm making a concerted effort to be happy. I know I can do it. I don't have a choice when it comes to being fertile or infertile, but I do have a choice to be happy. It's taken too much from me to take this too. Now from writing this, don't think I won't have relapses and have bad days. But I will try not to dwell on them. I will try to push them aside and focus on the good parts of my life...as you can see I have plenty. A baby will just add to the good parts...someday!

Thank you again to my friends who have helped me through this tough time...couldn't do it without you:-)

Stealing this from Emily. It was very moving to me right now. I'm in a dark place right now. Can't seem to pull myself out of it. Maybe I need therapy, maybe I need time away, maybe I just need to forget this whole journey. Either way, I don't see myself the same anymore and I don't think I can go back. I'm getting good at putting on the happy face and going about my days, but when I lay down at night and ask God to forgive me for lying to everyone I see and talk to, I can't help but cry. Poor Dean doesn't know what to do with me. I guess I don't know what to do with me either. I'm out of ideas. Out of thoughts. Out of strength, hope, patience. Praying it all comes back someday.

and again...

Another blood test. My levels didn't go down enough. I'm so upset. I know that I keep saying this, but it's not fair. I'm so over this. I want a baby. I want a family. I want what everyone else seems to get so easily. And this news on top of an already crappy day. I didn't sleep well so I'm tired and cranky. A coworker basically gave me all her work because she's apparently too stupid to figure out how to screw around on the Internet AND get her work done at the same time. So instead, she just gives it to me. I had a miscommunication with my husband, so my lunch hour was spent doing something that I didn't really need to do, which is annoying. So now we have to do it after work. Again, annoying. And if I have to read, look at or hear about another pregnant person I am going to bust. I'm being selfish, I know that. And at this point I don't care. I feel like I've taken all this in stride the last 2 months, but I'm done. I'm done being nice about it, I'm done not thinking of myself. Why shouldn't I? It's not getting me anywhere. Everyone around me only thinks of themselves. Being a better person is supposed to pay off in the end. I realize I'm far from the end, but still. Why do rude, selfish, obnoxious people get what they want? Do they get it because they step all over people to get it? Probably. Maybe I don't want to be like that. But for right now, in my head, I'm going to be selfish, sad, and sorry. I don't have to make it known outside my head for now.

UGH....well I need to get back to all the work that wasn't mine, but is now. Can tomorrow please come faster?

(hopefully) Final blood draw

So I had what is hopefully my last Hcg test this morning. I pray that it is out of my system!! Anyway, I was talking to the lady checking me in and she said oh, you must be so excited. So then I had to explain that we lost the baby and this was just the follow up from that. She looked down and said "oh, I'm so sorry". So then I felt bad. I didn't say it to make her feel bad, but I couldn't exactly say I was excited. So then she went on to tell me about all the people she's known who have adopted from here and over seas. And yes, that is an option, but we aren't ready for that yet!! I haven't given up on having my own baby. Anyway, it is the first time I've had to explain all this to a stranger. It was quite weird. And of course we're talking about it in a waiting room with other people there...oh it was awkward!

Anyway, I should have the results by this afternoon....praying, praying, praying!!!

Glutton for punishment

I swear, sometimes I bring this crap on myself. I ask how people are doing, knowing they're going to complain. I agree to get togethers even though I don't feel like it or want to. I look at facebook only to find yet another person announcing, discussing or complaining about their pregnancy. UGH. Is it time for bed yet?

Ok, that's the vent for the day.

In other news, my mom is coming home from her trip today. Although she has her treatment in D-town tomorrow so they won't be home til late tomorrow. But at least they'll be back in our time zone! I have missed talking to her! Maybe we can get together over the weekend....

Who me worry?

So way back a few months ago Dean applied for a job down in Florida for an AWESOME PGA job. It is right up his alley. He would be perfect for it. Anyway, we didn't hear anything and I figured it wasn't meant to be and there are probably other PGAs out there who were a better fit. Anyway, he got an email last week that they wanted everyone to resubmit their resumes. So he contacted the career consultant to look at his resume and got some tips and sent it in again today. I have no idea how I feel about this. It seems really odd to me that this was brought to our attention not once, but twice. I'm not one to think things are 'fate' or 'meant to be' or anything, but this is weird. Part of me wants to think it was meant to be. Part of me thinks this would be a great experience for both of us. But then part of me sees a friend having a hard time after moving away from friends and family. Would I have a hard time? Heck yes! It would be so hard. Then why do I think I want this? Why do I think I need a change? Is it because my job seems mundane now? Is it because I want a baby and since that doesn't seem to be happening for me, I'll take another kind of change? A change that moves me far, far away? It's not like me to want something like this. I dread to think what we'll do if he gets an offer. What will be the deciding factors? What will be the pros and cons? I know I shouldn't even think about this. I know it will drive me crazy and it might be for nothing. But you know what? It's actually nice to think of something else. Something other than when I will start my period, when I can start taking drugs, when I can pee on a stick. It's nice to worry about something else for a change! My grandma used to be the worry wart in our family. She would sit around and worry about thinking of things to worry about! Now that she's passed on (miss you nana!) that trait has been passed to my dad. And I dread to think what happens if he passes it to me!!! I don't mind a little worry, but can't turn into that!! So this is just a little worry for now...if it gets too out of control, I will corral it! I promise!

Ok...back to boring old life. I need to get back to IF....these last posts are out of control:-)

Being tested

I feel like I am being tested today. Everyone is driving me crazy, I am working on my patience, but it's not working very well. And we have someone coming into the office to take us out to lunch so I can't even get away for an hour....bummer! I just need some space, apparently 2 days away wasn't enough. The crazy lady I work with is going on and on about her sick kid. I realize that kids get sick, but do I really have to keep hearing about it? I guess I just have a different idea of what to do with sick kids. He has a sore throat so of course she's running him to the dr b/c she's positive it'll turn into strep. And people wonder why our health care costs are so high...take your kid to an unnecessary dr appointment, pump him full of unnecessary antibiotics and then bitch b/c your health insurance keeps going up. I realize I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth. I have been to the dr more times than I can even count trying to have a baby...which to some would seem unnecessary. So basically what I'm saying is, it's ok for me, but not for her. (I know...not good).

And on another note, our neighbors (who just moved in, not even sleeping there yet) had all their appliances stolen from their brand new home on Friday night. The thieves also took her jewelry and a few other odds and ends. How awful...why do people feel the need to take what isn't' theirs? It makes me sick, and a little nervous since the house is right by ours! Poor lady was so upset about her jewelry. Her wedding band and her fathers wedding band, not super valuable, but sentimental.

And Dean found out the job he applied for in Florida is back on the market and the deadline to apply is tomorrow. So he's working on the resume and will submit it today. Not that we want to move, but it would be an awesome job!

This is a hodge-podge of a post, and for that I'm sorry. My head just seems all jumbled up today. Thoughts bouncing here, there and everywhere....and of course landing right back where it usually ends up....baby-ville. I keep thinking about the what ifs, why nots, and what's next. I can't plan for this and it's driving me crazy. I have to leave it up to my body, who has failed me now for 20 months...why would I want to leave this up to it now? I don't! So again, working on my patience. Maybe when I become more patient, I will get what I've been asking for. Probably not, but maybe.

And we wait...

It's still there...the hormone levels are still there. They dropped from 37 last Thursday to 20 today. The dr wants them under 5. How long is this going to take? I realize I'm supposed to be working on my patience, but I think I've done ok. Apparently I'm alone in that thought. I guess that's just another week that we will be waiting before trying to start a new cycle. At this rate, our Thanksgiving trip will not even play a roll in our cycle. I guess that's a good thing.

Needless today I'm not too thrilled with this news. I guess we continue to wait. And I continue to work on my patience. We'll see how it goes.

Infertility

Is it just me or does everyone going through IF question twins and multiples? I always wonder did they go through any fertility treatments? What types? How long did they 'try'? What did it feel like to finally find out they were pg? What did they think when they found out it was twins, triplets, etc? I just read that B rook & C harlie S heen are having twins. I don't really follow celebrities, but I'm really bored at work. So of course, I see they're having twins and I wonder...was it justified? And the article said "the couple "think the twins are boys" but aren't sure"...she just finished her 1st trimester, they don't know that...why would they say that? It just bothered me. I wish some media outlet would just ask...did you have trouble? What did you go through? Why must IVF always be put out there as a rich persons way to have a smart, cute, boy or girl of their choice? Why can't it be about the everyday woman who just wants to be a mother.

I know how I feel about my infertility. I don't mind talking about it, in fact it sometimes helps to talk about it to my friends and family. I'm not announcing it on facebook or anything, but my friends know. And I love that they support me through all this. But I don't know how others feel about it. I have twins on my soccer team and I want to ask about their situation. I have two other girls who were adopted from foreign countries (along with their siblings) and I want to ask. But of course I won't....some probably would rather forget the struggle to have a family. I know someday I will probably want to forget...heck, I would like to forget right now if it meant I could have my baby! Who knows...it won't 'come up' in conversation, but I will keep my ears open, just to see if anyone says anything.

Well, it's just past 4 now...only 45 minutes left of work. This week has been great, the crazy one was gone Monday and Tuesday....but is back today and out of control. Driving me absolutely bat shit crazy. I know everyone has the right to be excited about their plans and what they've done the night before, but seriously, do I need to hear about it 5 times today? No, I do not. I can't wait to be done today! Maybe she'll mind her own business for the rest of the day...I can only hope! Then it's home to hang out by myself. Fun times to be had by all:-)

I've been spotting for 46 days....there have been breaks, the longest being 3 days, but today it's back...with a vengeance. I have cramps, bright red blood...Almost like a period but it'll stop again tonight and then start again in a day or so, so definitely no AF. Seriously, I'm so over this. I know life isn't always fair, but I am still thinking this isn't fair! I've been pleading with my body to please stop...but it's not listening. I'm thinking of trading this one in for a new one...that might work out better!!

Weekends

Aren't they great? I love them...a lot! This one was pretty uneventful, but still fun. Dean was home all day yesterday (a real treat for a golf pro!) He went to my soccer game, which we won, by a lot! My girls did great. Then had lunch with my dads cousin and family who was in town. Then home to do yard work and get ready for fall. It was beautiful out. Cool, but sunny and pretty. We actually got a lot done...good thing because I heard rumors of 29* as a low one night this week. And snow next week....YIKES!! Today we went out to breakfast (bad for diet, good for tummy!) He had to close tonight and I went to help my mom at her house for a while. I'm exhausted tonight, but had a great weekend. Too bad it's closing in on bedtime soon:-(

I'm hoping this week goes fast. The crazy girl I work with is out of the office. So yes, I have to do her work while she's gone but I don't have to listen to her talk, or snap her gum, or anything for 2 days! And I'm going to a financial seminar on Thursday after work. My financial advisor is putting it on so that should be entertaining. And I'm also going to look into cake decorating classes. I saw an add in the paper today, 50% off at Hobby Lobby. I want to check it out for price, timing and length of class. Could be fun. Oh and more blood work Thursday too...Praying hard for 0 hormones in my body.

What's left...

What's left when good news cancels out bad news? I wish I knew, because that's where I'm at right now....I got good news from a dear friend and then bad news about our journey towards parenthood. I can't go into the good news, but there are a lot of prayers of continued support going out right now. As for the bad...well, I still have an HcG level of 37... Thirty...freaken...seven. It has been 6 weeks. 6 LONG weeks. Spotting for 6 weeks? Waiting, worrying, wondering for 6 weeks. I'm over it. I know I will probably forget all about this when we are in the hospital delivering a precious baby, but right now I can't even see that far ahead. So no provera, just another blood test in a week. At this point, because of our travel plans, we won't be able to get a cycle in before we go to San Francisco at Thanksgiving. Which in the grand scheme of things is really no big deal. I was just hoping to get one in before that. I need to just forget about the timing I guess. We'll make it work whenever it happens. And maybe having a cycle 'off' will be good...who knows. I just need to keep looking for peace and patience within myself...

In other news, I've been to the gym everyday this week...that makes me feel a little better about myself. I guess just forcing myself to do it makes it easier. I'm not even that tired. So I will try to continue this pattern. Maybe even try to go over the weekend. We'll see...

My mom had her 2nd chemo treatment last week and next week is her 'off' week, so she and my dad are headed to Cali to visit family for a few days. I know she's looking forward to that. Her kitchen project isn't going very well, but hopefully will farther along once they get back. She's a very strong and wonderful woman. She's been through so much, I need to look to her for the courage to be stronger and better. I strive to be as strong as her!

Patience

How do you work on having more patience? I feel like I am at the end of my rope....I'm trying to take deep breaths, keep my composure, mind my own business, but I work in a very small office. I can hear everyone's very word. And there lies the problem...every.single.word. Every phone call, every mumble, everything. (as you can see, my patience is near gone!) I still maintain that if I had an office with a door to close, I would like my job...maybe even love it. But the fact that someone is giving me her work and then I walk by and she's playing Texas hold em on her myspace I want to scream. But getting it out here helps...phew! Feeling better....slowly.

On another front, getting my blood redrawn Thursday instead of Friday in hopes to have an answer before the weekend.

And I got some of the insurance mess straightened around. They are resubmitting for payment on one and the other is "still in processing" or whatever that means. I still have to pay 20% b/c the RE is "out of network" but 20% is better than 100%! So I'll take it. I know the girl that worked here last year and had a baby in March is still dealing with the insurance for the labor and delivery...I swear, they just want someone else to pay even though that's their job. Although, I shouldn't talk, I do work in the industry.

45 days

Yep, that's right...45 days til Thanksgiving! That means less than 45 days til we go to San Fran! I'm so excited at the prospect of getting OUT of here for a few days. And it'll be here before we know it! And then Christmas will be here shortly after that...I hate wishing away the days, but sometimes it's worth it. San Fran and Marco Island are worth it!!!

Insurance

Companies suck. Really suck. I know I work in the insurance world, but they still suck. I got the bills today for the D&C. Three bills totalling over $2000. Seriously? The insurance company paid for about half the blood work, ok, I can handle that. And it looks like the RE billed them for the actual procedure and nothing was taken out. So that means they either aren't covering any of it or they're dragging their feet either way, I have to deal with it on Monday. And the last bill was for what I assume is the testing done on the tissue. Of course the bill doesn't say what it's for and it's from a hospital. So I don't really know. Again...I have to call on Monday. I'm so frustrated and annoyed. It's costing us a fortune to have a baby and we aren't even doing the true infertility treatments (IUI or IVF). And if this next cycle doesn't work it will get even more expensive. Money doesn't grow on trees here in SW Michigan so I'm not too sure about all this. We may have to reconsider our stance on kids. I know my parents said they'd help us, but of course I feel guilty about that. I need to talk to my mom about it again, but she's been feeling so bad from her chemo and constant travels to Detroit, I don't want to add any burden to her. This is just another reason why all this sucks. Sucks, sucks sucks...

I guess there's no point worrying about it now, it's almost 8pm on a Saturday night....it'll have to wait til Monday. Oh and my husband is getting a cold....so I'll probably have it sometime next week. Yippee.

Finally Friday

I'm so excited it's finally Friday! This week has seemed to go on forever!
Some points of interest....last night, had dinner with some good friends and an adorable baby! It was great conversation and fun seeing them. I miss my college friends a lot!
Today I decided I didn't want to go home for lunch so I picked something up and went to the park near our office. Sat and ate and watched the kiddos play. It's so interesting being in this position. I watch the other parents with their toddlers and wonder what kind of parent will I be? Will I be the one that is following an inch behind my kid making sure they don't touch anything or fall? or will I be the parent that is sitting just outside the playground watching? or will I be something in between? I sat there thinking about what kind of parent I would have been had I gotten pregnant right away compared to the type of parent I will be now, that it's taken us so long...will they be different? Will I ever know if they are? probably not, but it's an interesting thought. All I know is watching those kids out there made me want that even more.

You know how thoughts go from one to another and the next thing you know you're thinking to yourself....how did my mind get here? That's how I've been feeling lately...one thought leads to another, to another, to another until I'm so far away from the original thought I have no clue how I got there or how I get back. Sounds strange...I know...sometimes I don't want to know the inner workings of the mind.

Ok....so that was me trying to be a better person, thinking differently etc....now back to the old me who is so annoyed at her coworkers she can hardly sit here and tolerate them! I know...I should be more understanding and let the stuff roll off my back, but seriously...I'm so over it. The constant "one upping" and "know it all" attitude is getting to me. No one knows everything, so why must they continue acting like they do? Ugh....it is SO annoying.

Anyway, now that is out of my system....I feel better:-)

I'm overloaded with caffeine today...yikes! It could be the Diet coke, but it could be that I'm seeing 3 of my best friends and a little baby! Overall it's a good day!

The weather is beautiful today and is supposed to remain this way through the weekend. We have another soccer game on Saturday. The girls played a make up game on Tuesday and did so great. It started to rain in the last quarter, so one of them offered to follow me around with an umbrella. So cute! I really do enjoy coaching even if it does bring up sad feelings sometimes. I love seeing the girls learn and grow with the sport! We only have 3 more games this fall! It went by fast! I'll have to get a picture of the team one of these days...

Ok...time for more diet coke!

Fall

It's a true fall day here. It's chilly and rainy and the leaves are really starting to turn shades of red, yellow and orange. I'm not usually a fan of fall, but it is beautiful to see a green tree being enveloped in red. My mom was just in northern MI and she said the leaves are almost 50% changed...it'll be that way soon down here too! Maybe we can take a drive sometime soon to check out all the fall color!

I have recently found out a friend of mines' mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. We met in college and haven't been that close in the last 6 years, but through Facebook we've reconnected (gotta love those 'social websites' or whatever they're called). I was so glad she said something because I have been in her shoes. Ten years ago when my mom was diagnosed and was facing her first surgery, I had the same feelings she's having now. I feel like I'm being given a chance to help someone else get through this a little easier than I may have. I hope my words can ease her fears, although I know they probably won't. But I will continue to hope and pray for her and her mother. She's a strong woman, I know she'll fight her hardest to beat this disease.

For I am not ashamed of the gospel; it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who has faith, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. (Romans 1:16 NRSV Bible)

There is a story of elderly lady who was watching as a pair of golfers sliced their drives deep into the rough. The golfers went in search of their errant golf balls. The grass was high, the trees were thick, and tempers flared as they looked in vain through the underbrush. The elderly lady observed all this from the front porch of her house. After the search had lasted nearly half an hour, she finally called out to them, "I don't want to bother you men," she said, "but will it be cheating if I tell you where the golf balls are?"

As we look around us, we see people searching for lost values, for real meaning in life, and for hope. We must not keep silent. Fulfilling the Great Commission means sharing Jesus Christ with those around. It means speaking up and guiding them to forgiveness and salvation.
There are too many churches with impeccable credentials for orthodox theology whose outreach is almost nil. They are sound, but they are sound asleep. It is far too easy for the Church to become a sort of religious clique where Christians retreat from the world.

The church on the Day of Pentecost understood that its primary mission was to reach out to the world. The unity that they experienced and the prayers that they offered were only to help them more ably fulfill the task that Christ had given them to make disciples of all persons. They existed not for their own benefit, but for the benefit of a lost world.

Dear God, may I not loose sight of helping others to know you and your love. In Jesus name, Amen. Ron Newhouse

I try to check this website everyday ( it doesn't always happen, but I try). It is amazing how often the posts speak to me. This one in particular, for example. I have felt that through our journey to have a family, I have been pulled in many directions. Towards church and God, towards family, towards friends, towards Dean and also pulled inward to myself. I tend to shy away from that which I do not know. I haven't been a regular church-goer my whole life. My parents didn't take us, I didn't go in college but a few times, I did go for a while after college, but didn't really get into it. I of course gravitate toward friends and family for love and support. And I can't thank them all enough for all the support they've shown. I am still afraid of the unknown and church is definitely the unknown for me. I have been meaning to talk to Dean about this, but he is in the same boat...unknown=scary! I just need to keep telling myself that just because I don't go to church on Sunday doesn't mean I don't believe in a higher being watching out for us. I truly believe that there is a place beyond this world where I will see friends and family when we're gone. So I am going to continue my beliefs and continue to pray to the only God I know. Whether he/she answers or even listens is out of my control. But I can continue anyway. And continue I will....

**Update**

Re-test the blood in 12 days. The chromosomal testing done on the tissues were normal. I guess it is just my f'd up body that is causing this. Frustrating. I need a hobby to keep me occupied.

I realize this is completely out of my control, but AF needs to start by Nov 6th to work out with our travel plans. Yeah, yeah, I know....like I can control any of this. I guess that's part of the problem....letting go of the control. Maybe I'll work on that for a while. Then again, maybe I'll just go home and hide...

More waiting. I guess my levels went down enough that they want me to just wait it out. The nurse is going to call me back to set up yet another blood draw. I am starting to think they should hook up a permanent needle to my arm! I assume they'll do another lab before the end of the week, but we'll see. If it continues to drop at this rate, it should be back to nothing by early next week. I am not sure how I feel about all this. I'm so grateful that I don't have to go through the thought of another d&c, but the idea of waiting is getting old too. Oh well, I don't have a choice. I will just continue to hope and pray for peace and patience.

Feelings

Since I basically have no updates or news, this post is more for me to pour out my feelings. And I guess technically, this whole blog is for me to say whatever so here I am, saying whatever.

I'm home alone today, Dean is working. He had lessons and now is closing at the course. It just started raining, so maybe he'll be home early. It has given me ample time to think and be alone with my thoughts...not necessarily a good thing. I'm questioning everything. What could I have done to cause this? What could I have done to prevent this? Am I being selfish for wanting a family so badly? Am I being ridiculous being upset at others who have this so easily? Most of these are rhetorical questions...of course there's no answer. I know plenty of people will say God has a plan for me and it will happen in His time. And I, of course, have no idea what that time frame is. I feel like I should be doing something more productive with my life in the meantime, but I can't. I can't get my mind off of this. We live in a world where if we want something, we go get it...now. And this isn't one of those things. A family is something I feel like you work towards. You build up your life to be ready for. And I feel like we've done that. We both went to college, did our things there. I was in a sorority, which taught me a lot about being an adult and the world ahead. Dean played on the golf team and then played on mini-tours in Florida, we both have had full time jobs, we dated for a while before we got married, we've been married for 4+ years, we built a house that is adequate for a family, we've saved money. I feel like we're ready for this next step. Why can't God see that we're ready? I suppose he has a lot to see...there are a lot of people out there who need him more. The soldiers who are protecting our country, all the people who are in hospitals who are sick and dying, cancer patients, small children growing up in homes where they're not wanted or loved. These are the things that are going through my head....these thoughts, basically in this order. I whine and bitch and then immediately feel guilty and decide there are better things for everyone to be doing and worrying about. Ugh....my mind, I don't think anyone wants to really get in there!

I'm nervous about tomorrow. Scared of what the outcome might be. I'm not a huge fan of either choice. And of course I can come up with a reason why I can't have that procedure done on a specific day. I have soccer Tuesday, visiting with out of town friends on Thursday...you get the idea. Well, I guess I'll go back to praying for peace and patience. I'll have my answer to this question soon enough. I'm sure it will just bring more, but at this point, I need just one thing to focus on.

P.S. I'm not real big on prayer...but I'm learning it's importance real quick.
P.S. (again) This is my 100th post...not exactly what I had in mind when I started this thing!

No answers yet

Another blood draw Monday morning. If the levels are the same or rising then another dnc. If they are decreasing, then we wait and see. Although it's been 4+ weeks, if the remaining tissue hasn't been dispelled yet I don't know what makes them think it will happen now. I'm sad and very confused. I need prayers. It's been a long day so I'm going to bed. I'm physically and emotionally drained. I can't say much more tonight. Tomorrow is a new day.

More pokes

More blood work. I guess that will tell them what's going on. The office will call me back today if I can get it done at noon. I had a little breakdown after I got off the phone. I'm so not happy about all this. Not really sure what we'll do about all this, but it can't be good. So I'm leaving at noon to get this done and then go home. I'm not getting anything done around here anyway.

Then the girl I work with told me her friends sister has had IVF 3 times and she lost her triplets in July and I felt horrible. Here I am all upset over a stupid dnc and this woman lost her triplets. Poor thing....I don't even know her but I want to take away her pain too. All this sucks for every woman who's ever been through it. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

It was positive....what???

So apparently I had to get a negative hpt before I could take the provera. I waited 3-4 hours and then had to go so I peed on a stick one more time...fully expecting it to be negative (I mean lets face it the first time we had s.ex since I was 5 wks pg was this week...that's good 6-7 weeks of no baby making in our household. (I know you're all thinking...poor husband, but he's been really good about it!) So I know it's not a real +....I guess I'm not taking the provera. I'll call first thing in the morning and probably have to do a blood test. I guess I'm a little surprised I didn't have to do one before now. It might have been an oversight by the office or maybe they just don't do it. I don't know.

If anyone has had this happen, any info or opinions are welcomed. I'm not too happy and quite scared. Ok...off to watch the V.P. debates. Praying for something tomorrow...just not sure what yet!

It continues...

The spotting continues...it's been 4 weeks today since the dreaded procedure and I'm still spotting. I had made up my mind that I would wait til the 4 wk mark and then call the dr. I just wanted some reassurance that this was all ok. I left my message with the nurse who said she'd talk to the doctor. She called back and said he wants to put me on provera for 10 days. She said AF should appear 7-10 days after my last pill, but could come sooner. Which basically means that I will be starting my next cycle a lot sooner than I originally thought. I of course am still sad about our past but am very optimistic about our baby making future. After all, we got pregnant the 1st cycle with the RE. At this point I need something to be optimistic about! I feel like I've been all doom and gloom the last few weeks. Everyone says it's understandable and we've been through a lot, but I just can't help but think that this isn't me. I'm usually the happy go lucky one. I'm usually the one that is laughing or smiling all the time. But the last 5 weeks have not been that way. Maybe moving on and starting a new cycle will help me feel better! And it will help me be less worried about it knowing that we will probably be able to get started on this cycle before we go to San Francisco. I was starting to worry about our timing and don't really want to miss a cycle because we're out of town. So hopefully this will help that to not happen.

So now the googling starts...I want to learn something about this drug before I pick it up after work today!

National Infertility Awareness Week

October 19-25 is National Infertility Awareness Week.

Infertility can be a major life crisis. The infertility experience involves many hidden losses for individuals, their loved ones, and society as a whole, including:Loss of the pregnancy and birth experienceLoss of a genetic legacy and loss for future contributing citizens of the next generationLoss of the parenting experienceLoss of a grandparenting relationshipLoss of feelings of self-worthLoss of stability in family and personal relationshipsLoss of work productivityLoss of a sense of spirituality and sense of hope for the future
Because infertility often involves major personal life issues and decisions, it is often experienced as a private matter, and is not ordinarily discussed in public forums. The personal nature of the infertility experience contributes to the failure of society to recognize infertility as a disease thus creating a lack of sound knowledge about infertility.
The Hidden Effects of Infertility on Self-Esteem and Relationships
Infertility has a strong impact on self-esteem. Suddenly your life, which may have been well planned and successful, seems out of control. Not only is the physical body not responding as expected but it feels as if your entire life is on hold. Facing the disappointment of not becoming pregnant month after month can lead to depression. Studies have shown that infertility depression levels can rival those of cancer. - From the RESOLVE website
More than 5 million people in the United States experience infertility. In 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases.
Currently only a handful of states require coverage for infertility treatment.
We need to do our part to spread accurate information. Infertility is a medical condition that requires medical treatment. We need to do our part to lobby for insurance coverage in all states; Write your state and federal representatives. Visit Resolve and see how you can help.

Thanks to AK_Sapphire at Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Pregnancy for the gorgeous button! Please feel free to save the image and post it on your own blog with the link to NIAW 08! Spread the word.

Sunday

It's been a good weekend but not much to report. My husband was able to stay home instead of going to a golf tournament all weekend. So we spent all of Saturday together and today he went into work. It was nice to have some quality 'down' time together. I'm starting to wonder if he's having delayed issues with everything. It's not like him to give up the reigns like he did. He was supposed to take his team to the tournament but instead let the assistant coach take them by herself. That's NOT like him. He said it is because he's tired and I haven't wanted to push the issue. I might ask again tonight if I get the chance. I'm just worried about him.

I'm still spotting slightly which is starting to irritate me. If I'm still spotting on Thursday I'm calling the dr. At that point it will have been 4 weeks and that seems a bit excessive. And I figure if I'm still spotting then I can't be starting a new cycle. With this impending trip to San Fran I'm starting to worry about timing, but I'm going to try to leave it be and not worry. There's nothing I can do about the timing and if we have to wait an extra month then so be it. But hopefully we won't and the timing will work out! Unfortunately there won't be any news to share with my family at Thanksgiving:-(

Well time is flying by here...it's almost October. Time to get all our fall chores done and ready for the winter. We got a good start this weekend, but still have plenty to do. I love fall, but not a huge fan of the white, fluffy snow that comes after! But maybe with news of a little one coming it will help warm our spirits! Off to get ready for another week....enjoy!

How many times...

How many times did someone ask me about my child today? More than I care to remember. I coach a U8 girls soccer team. I feel like in a small way it is giving back to my small community. No, I don't have a child on the team, I do it because I love soccer and teaching the girls is so fun and rewarding. I love to see them out running and playing and of course learning the aspect of the game. This is my 5th year doing it, but my first year at U8, I have only done U6 in the past. Some slight differences, but still fun. The kicker this year, I wasn't supposed to be coaching at all. I was taking a break. I was asked b/c they didn't have enough coaches. So even though I knew I was pregnant and couldn't coach in the spring, I said yes. Told my entire team I wouldn't be able to coach in the spring, but then had to take all that back. Thankfully I never told them why! Anyway....today was picture day. All the kids come in their jerseys, we line up and get our pictures taken. The coach always gets a team picture and then a 'buddy' picture with their kid. Well I am pretty sure that EVERY employee of the photography company asked me about my kid and when we were going to do our 'buddy' shot. Seriously if I had to tell one more person that I don't have a child, I was going to lose it. And then as the last person asked and I reiterated one last time about my childless state, one of my little girls looked up at me and asks "You don't have kids? Why not, don't you want any?"...ugh, my heart broke. I just smiled and said I had all my Field Mice (that's our team name) and they were my kids for now. I was so glad we were walking away from the cameras, away from the children, away from all of it. I know someday I'll have a child of my own. I can teach them soccer and help them grow and learn, but tonight was so hard. So many reminders of what I don't have. I do feel good about coaching, and tonight listening to those small, beautiful girls made me know that I truly do want to be a parent. I can't wait!

I want a puppy

Yep, you read right, I want a puppy or a kitten. Is this my way of replacing what I lost? Yes, probably. Will Dean ever let us get a dog, no. A new cat, probably, but not a dog. And yes I know, we can't have a dog. We aren't home enough and that's not fair. I couldn't leave a puppy in a crate all day or even just alone. I'd feel WAY too guilty! Another cat however is a possibility. There were some adorable pictures in the paper from some shelters. We already have 2 cats, I really don't think I can have a 3rd. But it's fun to think about. I think it's just my way of filling a void. Oh well...I guess I have a void that needs filling!

I think I've finally stopped bleeding...which is a good thing. I'm hoping that means I can be on my way to starting a new cycle. My cycles are usually a little longer than normal (32-35 days) but not excessive so I'm hoping my body knows what to do and just gets back on the horse.

My mom had her first chemo treatment last week for her study. It took a lot longer than they originally told her (of course it did....it's chemo...it's never quick!) And she had to have a brain MRI before she could get the 1st treatment, which she didn't know about. So she had to go over early and spend 3 nights over there. So far she's doing well. She's had some nausea and a fever that won't seem to go away. That is making her feel the worst I think. But today is better than yesterday and she has treatment every 3 weeks, so that should help her feel better in between. But she has to go get blood draws and appointments in the weeks in between. I feel so bad for her having to do all this, but the dr thinks it's the next up and coming drug. I hope and pray it helps her. Although it sucks that the drug that is supposedly helping her is making her so sick. Seems wrong. But I guess that's the way it works. Let's just hope it works!

Another beautiful day here....wish I were outside enjoying it! I hope somewhere, someone is!

A Busy Sunday

I'm finally starting to feel better. I had big plans for myself this weekend. I got the kitchen really cleaned, even cleaned the inside of the microwave! I cleaned the outside furniture and the deck. There's still more to do, but I need better tools to do it. Maybe a trip to the hardware store is in my future. I'm going to start putting away my summer clothes. Most of them don't fit anyway, and according to the calendar, summer is over tomorrow. I'm happy to be feeling better and feeling like doing something around here. It really does make a difference. And I'm going to go back to the gym tomorrow. I'm a little worried about being tired, and I have a class Weds-Friday that will make it difficult to keep going, but even if I only get 30 minutes in, I think it's important to keep going. So I'm going to try. I'm still spotting from the dnc, which is a constant reminder, but it's getting lighter and lighter. I'm hoping it stops soon and my body reacts and starts a new cycle! I watched Baby Mama with a friend yesterday. I was worried about it for so many reasons. My friend has a 6 month old, that's always tough. The movie is about a woman who can't get pregnant. But it was good. The movie was pretty predictable, but still funny. I would only recommend it if you can put aside your own IF problems and just appreciate the funny 1 liners. But it did point out a few things that I have noticed. There are babies EVERYWHERE. And if I don't see the actual baby, I see the Facebook status updates about them, pictures, mass emails about them....I love hearing and seeing my friends babies, but sometimes it is hard. But they are too cute and too sweet to miss!

On another note, I have not planned two very fun trips. We are going to San Francisco for Thanksgiving to 'babysit' my grandma. My aunt and her family are going to So Cal to visit her son for a few days so we'll hang with the dogs and my g-ma. We went last year for T-giving and it was fun. We stay at her house and enjoy all the fun things in and around the Bay area. And then for Christmas we're going to Florida with my entire family. We are so lucky to be able to travel the way we have. I look at it two different ways. We might as well go now, while we can, without babies, children etc. And my grandma is 85. She may not have many more Thanksgivings left. I hate to think like that, but it's important that we see her as often as we can. And the best part about all of this, I'm only missing 6 days total for both trips due to the holidays. Even better! It is so nice to have fun things to look forward to. I'm not even going to think that our 'timing' would be during these trips. I guess if they are, then we'll try on our own.

Anyway, I see I've been babbling...better get back to work and continue with my busy Sunday and then onto yet another week.

Answers....sort of

Well, we had our follow up appointment today with the RE. I wasn't quite sure what to expect, I was a little nervous about it. But the dr was so nice and willing to get us moving as quickly as possible. Which is nice to hear. I was worried about a forced break. Basically we didn't learn much. All my blood work came back normal. They are still testing the tissue removed with the DnC, so I guess if something is wrong with that, they'll call. So our new plan is basically the same as the last plan. They are upping my clomid dose and I'll do the same procedure as before. I will however do an HSG in the beginning of my next cycle. I'm not worried about the procedure itself, just the cost. But my parents are willing to help us with whatever we need. I just feel bad about asking them for money. My mom and I have talked at length about this and she basically just said they have the money and they will help us. Which is so nice. Such a relief! The HSG could be down down here but my dr will actually do it if we go up to GR. And they will charge quite a bit less than the radiology department here. So I'm all about driving the 45 minutes to 1 hour to GR in order to have them do it. If we're going to go to all the trouble seeing a specialist, then they might as well do all the stuff we need done! That's my opinion anyway. And Dean agrees. So again, we wait. When my next cycle starts I will call to make all these appointments...yuck to the appointments, but I'm excited to move forward again! I pray this will work and we won't have to move on to the next step. If this cycle of Clomid doesn't work, we will move onto FSH shots everyday, which according to the dr increases the chance of multiples to 20-25%, increases the possibility of OHSS, and other issues as well. Although Dean would love multiples (or so he says! haha!), we'll see what happens.
I'm sorry this is happening and that we had to be at that appointment today, but I'm thankful that we are able to see a specialist who is making it his priority to get us pregnant and able to carry a baby to term. I'm thankful for my friends and family for their support. I'm thankful for the online community where I learn so much about this journey. And I'm thankful for my husband. If I didn't have a loving and supportive husband, I don't know if I could do all this.

And now...in the meantime...I am going to make my health a priority. I am going to start eating a little better, getting back to the gym, and just trying to be a better person. If I try I might be able to lose a few pounds before we start trying again. That would probably make me feel much better! So that's the plan...we'll see how well it works:-)

I'm curious

How long will this feeling of helplessness and hopelessness last? It feels like every time I think I might be feeling better something else happens. Our trip to SD was nice, but basically the underlying tone was that business is down and that we aren't making enough money. And yesterday, after making great plans for Christmas to go to Florida with my entire family (brothers, parents, sister in law) for the first time, my mom might not be able to stay on her chemo schedule. And if that's the case, her 'time off' would be different...no trip to Florida. My parents kitchen project is messed up, my dad is a basket case...ugh, it never ends. And of course you'd think I could separate myself from all this but considering I work with my father, it all becomes my problem because he can't deal with it! So now it becomes my problem. I was looking forward to him being gone tomorrow and Thursday taking my mom to chemo...maybe not anymore.
Please, anyone, give me good news. Even if it doesn't pertain to me...I want to hear your good news.

P.S. I'm sorry this blog is always so negative....I promise someday it will be happier!

Finally home!

We made it...finally. After a 3+ hour delay out of Chicago, we finally made it. I guess it was all the rain and some of the hurricane issues that were causing problems. The pilot said they were using the snow plows to push the water off the runways! Crazy! So I was home around 1am and this morning came way too early. But it was nice to be home to see my husband! Now if I can just get through the day!! Nothing really new to report. My appointment with the RE is Thursday. I'm anxious for it to get here so we can hopefully get some answers. I'm thinking maybe some answers will help me feel better...we'll see.

Well...happy Monday! Here's to another week.

One more day

Well...one more day in the sunny southern CA.  It's beautiful here and I've learned a lot at the conference, but I'm more than ready to go home.  I'm exhausted and so tired of talking to people I don't know.  We're doing one more dinner tonight and that's it!!  Thank gosh!  Last night was rough. We have some good family friends that live out here and happened to be in San Diego last night at a cocktail party. So we went over there to hang out. My mom had told her that I was pregnant when they saw each other in August and apparently failed to mention that I'm not anymore. So that was the 1st thing she said....ugh....I had to tell one last person.  It sucked.  I am sick of thinking about it and sick of dealing with it and sick of being sad.  I'm tired of crying and tired of feeling so down.  I am hoping talking to the dr on Thursday will help give me some motivation and hope that one day we'll have a baby, but right now it's hard!  Maybe just going home will help where I can see my husband and sleep in my own bed.  We'll see.  I feel bad about all of this. I feel needy and helpless.  I don't want my friends and family to give up on me, but if this keeps up, they probably should!   I'm so tired I don't even want to think about it anymore.  Thank gosh we're going home tomorrow...

Although we've gotten 5+ inches of rain and apparently a tornado back at home today.  We are flying through Chicago, an airport notorious for cancelling and delaying flights.  I am hoping and praying that we make it home safely and on time!  Otherwise Monday might feel even worse that it is going to anyway!  Well time to rest before dinner!