Sunday

It's been a good weekend but not much to report. My husband was able to stay home instead of going to a golf tournament all weekend. So we spent all of Saturday together and today he went into work. It was nice to have some quality 'down' time together. I'm starting to wonder if he's having delayed issues with everything. It's not like him to give up the reigns like he did. He was supposed to take his team to the tournament but instead let the assistant coach take them by herself. That's NOT like him. He said it is because he's tired and I haven't wanted to push the issue. I might ask again tonight if I get the chance. I'm just worried about him.

I'm still spotting slightly which is starting to irritate me. If I'm still spotting on Thursday I'm calling the dr. At that point it will have been 4 weeks and that seems a bit excessive. And I figure if I'm still spotting then I can't be starting a new cycle. With this impending trip to San Fran I'm starting to worry about timing, but I'm going to try to leave it be and not worry. There's nothing I can do about the timing and if we have to wait an extra month then so be it. But hopefully we won't and the timing will work out! Unfortunately there won't be any news to share with my family at Thanksgiving:-(

Well time is flying by here...it's almost October. Time to get all our fall chores done and ready for the winter. We got a good start this weekend, but still have plenty to do. I love fall, but not a huge fan of the white, fluffy snow that comes after! But maybe with news of a little one coming it will help warm our spirits! Off to get ready for another week....enjoy!

How many times...

How many times did someone ask me about my child today? More than I care to remember. I coach a U8 girls soccer team. I feel like in a small way it is giving back to my small community. No, I don't have a child on the team, I do it because I love soccer and teaching the girls is so fun and rewarding. I love to see them out running and playing and of course learning the aspect of the game. This is my 5th year doing it, but my first year at U8, I have only done U6 in the past. Some slight differences, but still fun. The kicker this year, I wasn't supposed to be coaching at all. I was taking a break. I was asked b/c they didn't have enough coaches. So even though I knew I was pregnant and couldn't coach in the spring, I said yes. Told my entire team I wouldn't be able to coach in the spring, but then had to take all that back. Thankfully I never told them why! Anyway....today was picture day. All the kids come in their jerseys, we line up and get our pictures taken. The coach always gets a team picture and then a 'buddy' picture with their kid. Well I am pretty sure that EVERY employee of the photography company asked me about my kid and when we were going to do our 'buddy' shot. Seriously if I had to tell one more person that I don't have a child, I was going to lose it. And then as the last person asked and I reiterated one last time about my childless state, one of my little girls looked up at me and asks "You don't have kids? Why not, don't you want any?"...ugh, my heart broke. I just smiled and said I had all my Field Mice (that's our team name) and they were my kids for now. I was so glad we were walking away from the cameras, away from the children, away from all of it. I know someday I'll have a child of my own. I can teach them soccer and help them grow and learn, but tonight was so hard. So many reminders of what I don't have. I do feel good about coaching, and tonight listening to those small, beautiful girls made me know that I truly do want to be a parent. I can't wait!

I want a puppy

Yep, you read right, I want a puppy or a kitten. Is this my way of replacing what I lost? Yes, probably. Will Dean ever let us get a dog, no. A new cat, probably, but not a dog. And yes I know, we can't have a dog. We aren't home enough and that's not fair. I couldn't leave a puppy in a crate all day or even just alone. I'd feel WAY too guilty! Another cat however is a possibility. There were some adorable pictures in the paper from some shelters. We already have 2 cats, I really don't think I can have a 3rd. But it's fun to think about. I think it's just my way of filling a void. Oh well...I guess I have a void that needs filling!

I think I've finally stopped bleeding...which is a good thing. I'm hoping that means I can be on my way to starting a new cycle. My cycles are usually a little longer than normal (32-35 days) but not excessive so I'm hoping my body knows what to do and just gets back on the horse.

My mom had her first chemo treatment last week for her study. It took a lot longer than they originally told her (of course it did....it's chemo...it's never quick!) And she had to have a brain MRI before she could get the 1st treatment, which she didn't know about. So she had to go over early and spend 3 nights over there. So far she's doing well. She's had some nausea and a fever that won't seem to go away. That is making her feel the worst I think. But today is better than yesterday and she has treatment every 3 weeks, so that should help her feel better in between. But she has to go get blood draws and appointments in the weeks in between. I feel so bad for her having to do all this, but the dr thinks it's the next up and coming drug. I hope and pray it helps her. Although it sucks that the drug that is supposedly helping her is making her so sick. Seems wrong. But I guess that's the way it works. Let's just hope it works!

Another beautiful day here....wish I were outside enjoying it! I hope somewhere, someone is!

A Busy Sunday

I'm finally starting to feel better. I had big plans for myself this weekend. I got the kitchen really cleaned, even cleaned the inside of the microwave! I cleaned the outside furniture and the deck. There's still more to do, but I need better tools to do it. Maybe a trip to the hardware store is in my future. I'm going to start putting away my summer clothes. Most of them don't fit anyway, and according to the calendar, summer is over tomorrow. I'm happy to be feeling better and feeling like doing something around here. It really does make a difference. And I'm going to go back to the gym tomorrow. I'm a little worried about being tired, and I have a class Weds-Friday that will make it difficult to keep going, but even if I only get 30 minutes in, I think it's important to keep going. So I'm going to try. I'm still spotting from the dnc, which is a constant reminder, but it's getting lighter and lighter. I'm hoping it stops soon and my body reacts and starts a new cycle! I watched Baby Mama with a friend yesterday. I was worried about it for so many reasons. My friend has a 6 month old, that's always tough. The movie is about a woman who can't get pregnant. But it was good. The movie was pretty predictable, but still funny. I would only recommend it if you can put aside your own IF problems and just appreciate the funny 1 liners. But it did point out a few things that I have noticed. There are babies EVERYWHERE. And if I don't see the actual baby, I see the Facebook status updates about them, pictures, mass emails about them....I love hearing and seeing my friends babies, but sometimes it is hard. But they are too cute and too sweet to miss!

On another note, I have not planned two very fun trips. We are going to San Francisco for Thanksgiving to 'babysit' my grandma. My aunt and her family are going to So Cal to visit her son for a few days so we'll hang with the dogs and my g-ma. We went last year for T-giving and it was fun. We stay at her house and enjoy all the fun things in and around the Bay area. And then for Christmas we're going to Florida with my entire family. We are so lucky to be able to travel the way we have. I look at it two different ways. We might as well go now, while we can, without babies, children etc. And my grandma is 85. She may not have many more Thanksgivings left. I hate to think like that, but it's important that we see her as often as we can. And the best part about all of this, I'm only missing 6 days total for both trips due to the holidays. Even better! It is so nice to have fun things to look forward to. I'm not even going to think that our 'timing' would be during these trips. I guess if they are, then we'll try on our own.

Anyway, I see I've been babbling...better get back to work and continue with my busy Sunday and then onto yet another week.

Answers....sort of

Well, we had our follow up appointment today with the RE. I wasn't quite sure what to expect, I was a little nervous about it. But the dr was so nice and willing to get us moving as quickly as possible. Which is nice to hear. I was worried about a forced break. Basically we didn't learn much. All my blood work came back normal. They are still testing the tissue removed with the DnC, so I guess if something is wrong with that, they'll call. So our new plan is basically the same as the last plan. They are upping my clomid dose and I'll do the same procedure as before. I will however do an HSG in the beginning of my next cycle. I'm not worried about the procedure itself, just the cost. But my parents are willing to help us with whatever we need. I just feel bad about asking them for money. My mom and I have talked at length about this and she basically just said they have the money and they will help us. Which is so nice. Such a relief! The HSG could be down down here but my dr will actually do it if we go up to GR. And they will charge quite a bit less than the radiology department here. So I'm all about driving the 45 minutes to 1 hour to GR in order to have them do it. If we're going to go to all the trouble seeing a specialist, then they might as well do all the stuff we need done! That's my opinion anyway. And Dean agrees. So again, we wait. When my next cycle starts I will call to make all these appointments...yuck to the appointments, but I'm excited to move forward again! I pray this will work and we won't have to move on to the next step. If this cycle of Clomid doesn't work, we will move onto FSH shots everyday, which according to the dr increases the chance of multiples to 20-25%, increases the possibility of OHSS, and other issues as well. Although Dean would love multiples (or so he says! haha!), we'll see what happens.
I'm sorry this is happening and that we had to be at that appointment today, but I'm thankful that we are able to see a specialist who is making it his priority to get us pregnant and able to carry a baby to term. I'm thankful for my friends and family for their support. I'm thankful for the online community where I learn so much about this journey. And I'm thankful for my husband. If I didn't have a loving and supportive husband, I don't know if I could do all this.

And now...in the meantime...I am going to make my health a priority. I am going to start eating a little better, getting back to the gym, and just trying to be a better person. If I try I might be able to lose a few pounds before we start trying again. That would probably make me feel much better! So that's the plan...we'll see how well it works:-)

I'm curious

How long will this feeling of helplessness and hopelessness last? It feels like every time I think I might be feeling better something else happens. Our trip to SD was nice, but basically the underlying tone was that business is down and that we aren't making enough money. And yesterday, after making great plans for Christmas to go to Florida with my entire family (brothers, parents, sister in law) for the first time, my mom might not be able to stay on her chemo schedule. And if that's the case, her 'time off' would be different...no trip to Florida. My parents kitchen project is messed up, my dad is a basket case...ugh, it never ends. And of course you'd think I could separate myself from all this but considering I work with my father, it all becomes my problem because he can't deal with it! So now it becomes my problem. I was looking forward to him being gone tomorrow and Thursday taking my mom to chemo...maybe not anymore.
Please, anyone, give me good news. Even if it doesn't pertain to me...I want to hear your good news.

P.S. I'm sorry this blog is always so negative....I promise someday it will be happier!

Finally home!

We made it...finally. After a 3+ hour delay out of Chicago, we finally made it. I guess it was all the rain and some of the hurricane issues that were causing problems. The pilot said they were using the snow plows to push the water off the runways! Crazy! So I was home around 1am and this morning came way too early. But it was nice to be home to see my husband! Now if I can just get through the day!! Nothing really new to report. My appointment with the RE is Thursday. I'm anxious for it to get here so we can hopefully get some answers. I'm thinking maybe some answers will help me feel better...we'll see.

Well...happy Monday! Here's to another week.

One more day

Well...one more day in the sunny southern CA.  It's beautiful here and I've learned a lot at the conference, but I'm more than ready to go home.  I'm exhausted and so tired of talking to people I don't know.  We're doing one more dinner tonight and that's it!!  Thank gosh!  Last night was rough. We have some good family friends that live out here and happened to be in San Diego last night at a cocktail party. So we went over there to hang out. My mom had told her that I was pregnant when they saw each other in August and apparently failed to mention that I'm not anymore. So that was the 1st thing she said....ugh....I had to tell one last person.  It sucked.  I am sick of thinking about it and sick of dealing with it and sick of being sad.  I'm tired of crying and tired of feeling so down.  I am hoping talking to the dr on Thursday will help give me some motivation and hope that one day we'll have a baby, but right now it's hard!  Maybe just going home will help where I can see my husband and sleep in my own bed.  We'll see.  I feel bad about all of this. I feel needy and helpless.  I don't want my friends and family to give up on me, but if this keeps up, they probably should!   I'm so tired I don't even want to think about it anymore.  Thank gosh we're going home tomorrow...

Although we've gotten 5+ inches of rain and apparently a tornado back at home today.  We are flying through Chicago, an airport notorious for cancelling and delaying flights.  I am hoping and praying that we make it home safely and on time!  Otherwise Monday might feel even worse that it is going to anyway!  Well time to rest before dinner!    

Doing a little better

So we're doing a little better here in San Diego today.  Not feeling so sorry for ourselves....must be because I had WAY too much going on to even think about myself today. Probably a good thing.  And talked with a good friend who is helping me through this.  She has given me a lot to think about and trying to help me sort out my feelings and thoughts.  I might be able to write about this at some point but I'd be afraid of rambling with no purpose or direction (maybe that's what I do anyway...haha!)  And, I need to have a heart to heart with my husband when I get back first.  I miss talking to him, this 3 hour time difference makes it hard to have a decent conversation!  But we'll be home in a few days.   Tomorrow will be a day full of fun. Visiting with an old college friend and then touring about the city.  Then having drinks with some old family friends that live out this way.  It will be a fun day and then one more all day meeting Saturday and home on Sunday.  Even though the flight home will feel like an eternity because of the time, that's ok.  Hopefully we make it home before any hurricane weather makes it up that way!  We're flying through Chicago and they are notorious for delays even when the sun is shining, so I'll be hoping for no delays!  

Well....it's off to more cocktail parties and small talk.  I hope the evening goes quickly and I can be back in bed REAL soon!  

4 more days

4 more days til I get to go home.  I'm sitting here in my 25th floor hotel room, looking out over the most beautiful bay full of ships, boats and other goings on with the sun shining in on me and all I can think about it going home.  I want to be home and be 9 weeks pregnant.  Last night we went to dinner at a wonderful steak house.  I had a glass of wine with my steak and felt guilty.  I kept thinking, I should be almost 9 weeks tonight, I should be having water with my dinner and praying I can keep it down.  But no, I'm having wine instead.  Why?  Whywhywhy is this happening?  I feel like I have been really good about my whining and complaining, but right now it seems unbearable.  I'm cramping and bleeding which I was hoping wouldn't happen while I was away.  Just constant reminders that I'm not pregnant.  And probably won't be for a long time.  Of course I have these thoughts go through my head....was I not meant to be a mother?  Will I be a bad mother?  Is that why this is happening?  Why is it that some people get have babies without even trying?  No marriage, sometimes not even a father?  I know I'm grasping at straws here and I know I'm being a big baby, but damn it I feel like I can be.  It's been 19 months now that we've been 'trying' to have a baby.  If I was trying to do anything else (learn to cook, sew, anything) I would have given up long ago and just chalked it up to an experience....ugh...I guess we keep on trudging through and I pray that someday we can have the baby we want so badly!  

In other news, the conference is going well.  Very tiring and busy, but fun.  The opening reception is tonight, should be fun.  Then we'll probably go back downtown for a while.  No sense in sitting in here all night feeling sorry for myself.  Then tomorrow it's busy busy with meetings, cocktail parties and dinners.  Should be fun!  

We made it here

Well, we're here in SD after what felt like the longest flight of my life.  The time difference might be a little tough to get used to too!  Yikes.  But tomorrow and Thursday will be super busy so I probably won't even notice.  

Of course I thought I was out of the woods after the dnc last week. I had hardly any cramping and basically no bleeding.  So I thought I was good to go this week while I'm away....um, no.  I started cramping late last night and had some spotting and bleeding last night and all day today.  Of course, because it's not bad enough that I have to be away from my husband right now (and missing him already) and knowing I have to answer the inevitable question over and over this week...."so you have any kids yet?"  Ugh....I just don't want to deal with any of it.  And now cramping and bleeding.  Seriously?  I know this is how it works. I should have known it was coming, but it still sucks.  I'm hoping we can keep busy enough that I don't think about it that much.  I know the time difference is going to be hard to call back home, but I will try as often as I can!  I know I'm overly clingy right now, but I just can't help it.  I need to be in order to help heal.  

Well, I think we're finally heading to dinner.  I know it's not even 6 but it's almost my bed time back home:-)

A cow in my yard?

Yep, that's right...a cow...in my yard. And here's the picture to prove it. I woke up sort of early this morning (6am) not on purpose and shortly after heard the cow crying. We hear it frequently since they are allowed to roam in the field next to our house so I didn't think anything of it. Then a while later it sounded louder and louder (like it was right outside our window). But again, we ignored it. We were having a lazy Sunday in bed, chatting, dozing, just enjoying not having anything to do. Finally that cow sounded so loud I had to get up and look out the window. Without my glasses on I could tell something was wrong, the lawn looked funny and there was a pile of 'dirt'....my first thought was damn moles had gotten to us. I put my glasses on and realized our pile of 'dirt' was a pile of poop. So I run outside and sure enough there she was. The window you see in the picture is our bedroom window....so she was right outside the window. We've lived in this house for almost 2 years now and thankfully haven't had a cow in the yard yet. We looked in the phone book for the owners name (we thought we knew it) and then called our builder. He knew just who to call and about 5 minutes later a car came flying down the road. The farmer hopped out and started looking for where she might have come over the fence. We had already looked but didn't see anything. Apparently there is a gate in the corner of our lot (it's all wooded back there so we have never seen it. So we were trying to push her towards it. Well....cows don't always want to do what you want them to, so we spent about 30 minutes chasing her and trying to corner her back by the gate. I felt so bad for her. Apparently she was crying for her calf, she was scared and lonely. But she finally made it back to her pasture and on her way home. The farmer came back and we formally introduced ourselves. He was very nice and gave us his phone number and his sons phone number in case this ever happens again. It was quite a bit of excitement for a Sunday morning. Now I just hope our yard recovers!!!

In other news, I had my first soccer game yesterday...we didn't win, but the girls played really well. I will miss the next practice and game b/c I'll be in San Diego. I thought it would be a lot harder seeing the girls after just losing our own baby, but it was actually a nice distraction. Then we had a wedding which brought many tears. All the dreams, hopes and wishes of our wedding day came flooding back. We have had a great marriage but not being able to conceive and carry a child is starting to wear on me. And of course a few people know our circumstance so the hugging and "I'm sorry's" were hard too. Then....onto my 1o year high school reunion. I'm sure I could go on and on about that but I'm just glad it's over. Only one person asked if we had kids or if we were going to have kids...thank gosh!!

I'm glad the weekend is over but not looking forward to work tomorrow. I leave Tuesday for San Diego, so at least it's just 1 day this week. I'm not really looking forward to SD, but it too will be a nice distraction. Too bad Dean can't go:-( Just me and my dad (yikes!!). But I'm sure it'll be busy and the days will fly by. Then before we know it we'll be sitting back in the RE's office for our follow up appointment!!! Its a week from this Thursday....I can't wait. I hope they have some answers for us. But I'm sure the answers will just lead to more questions!!!

Ok, enough posting for one day. I am finally feeling good enough to get some housework done. So I have been busy trying to get this house back in order. It's amazing when I don't feel good or can't do something...it sometimes doesn't get done:-) Anyway, a very sad time turned into an ok weekend for us. We are still sad and confused, but I think we are both moving forward...many thanks to our friends and family for all their support. I know we can do this and have a family one day...

It's finally over

Yep, that's right...it's over. It was a long day, but somehow we made it through. I want to write out all the details before they slip away...so if you don't want to know about them, you can skip over this part.

The day started by dropping off the girls golf stuff to our good friend Steve who is taking Dean's golf team to their tournament for him so he could be with me. We finally get on the road to GR and it starts pouring....I mean POURING! I thought we were going to have to pull over at one point because it was raining so hard. We only got turned around once, but finally made it there. Even 15 minutes early...which was nice. They took us back at 10 like they said we would. The first thing the nurse said was "I'm so sorry you have to be here"...that made it a little difficult to hold it together, then the dr poked his head in and asked how we were and I just lost it. I was terrified. The nurse hugged me and I calmed down. I got changed and she said she'd be back. Dean and I hugged and he told me he loved me. He is such a good husband. She said he could go back with me for the procedure if he wanted. I left it up to him, and he put the gown on and said he thought he should. So she came in and started the IV. Which I was a little nervous about b/c I have never had one. It hurt a bit, but once they put the drugs through it, I was fine. We walked back to the procedure room. They did a quick ultrasound (which I'm not going to lie, I was hoping they'd find a little baby in there!) Then they pushed the drugs. I put my mp3 player on but I thank I was too out of it to hear anything anyway. I didn't feel much either, just a little pressure. I woke up enough to ask to see it (why? I have no idea). It was just a big tube filled with blood. But that blood was my baby and I wanted to see it). They scooted me over to another bed and wheeled me back to the recovery area. I slept for probably about an hour and then the nurse came in to take the IV out and talk to us. Taking the IV out hurt, a lot. And I don't know why they try to tell you all this stuff after. I was so drugged up, I hardly remember anything. But Dean got it all and they gave him a paper telling instructions. I tried to get up to get dressed, but got quite dizzy and sick feeling. I had to sit back down. There was blood on the bed and I don't think that was helping. I tried to get dressed as fast as possible so I could lay back down. Dean went to get the car to pick me up around back. They wheeled me out in a wheel chair and I was asleep in the car in no time. I was hungry so we stopped at Mc Donalds and ate in the car. There was no way I could get out. We made it home and I went straight to bed. Slept all afternoon. My mom came over while Dean had to go out for a bit. I woke up and felt a little crampy but took some advil and that seemed to help. I fell asleep on the couch and finally dragged myself to bed. I woke up several times with cramping but overall it went good. I have a slight backache this morning, but again with the advil and hopefully it will go away soon. Dean had practice with his girls, so I'm home alone. But he will check in on me periodically. And my mom can come back over if I need her. But honestly I feel really good. I feel revived and ready to move on. I'm sad at the loss of our pregnancy and baby, but I'm very hopeful that these doctors can figure out what is going on and help me maintain a healthy, 9 month pregnancy. We will have an appointment in 2 weeks to follow up.

I feel like I have learned a lot about myself and my relationship with my husband. He has been so strong through all of this even though he is hurting too. I love him with all my heart and could not be more thankful for the way he has cared for me. I know I couldn't have done any of this with out him. I cannot wait to give him a baby so he can love and care for him/her too.

Well, back to the couch for me. I'm not used to being home during the day...who knows what daytime tv brings!!!

So is this really a mis carriage?

The question of a truly caring and loving husband that just doesn't have a clue:-) My sweet, sweet husband is so scared and sad because of all this and I think he's just trying to make sense of it. He doesn't understand why it's called a mis carriage if we aren't mis carrying the baby...it's technically still inside me. Poor thing...He's been so sweet to me and just the best friend and husband a girl could have. I really couldn't be going through all this without him!

We finally have a plan from the REs office...thank gosh! I have an appointment tomorrow morning for the dnc at their GR office. I had to get some blood drawn this morning and I have to pick up some prescriptions to take before the procedure. I'm anxious to get this over with but glad to be moving on at the same time. I know this doesn't change what happened, but hopefully it can make me feel a little better! I'll be off work now til Monday and then I'm off to San Diego on Tuesday for work. I hope that is enough time to recover. I'm sure it will be.

So that's the plan. I'm so so sad that we have to be doing all of this, but will be glad when it's over. Maybe the next time will be the one...

Tuesday

Why is it everywhere I look someone I know is pregnant, is talking about babies, talking about their kids going back to school, everything is kids, kids, kids. I'm not usually like this, but right now I just can't deal. I'm sick of my coworker talking about how sad it is that her kids are in 4th grade...um hello, at least you have kids. I know she doesn't mean any harm, but it's annoying. And does every single person on facebook and myspace have to post their ultrasound pictures? and tell the world how much they love being pregnant? I am being a brat, I know this.

So I called the RE's office at 8:30 when they opened and guess what...they don't do dnc's at this office. I have to go to the GR office and call their scheduler to get it figured out. So I called and left a message and haven't heard back. I called again to ask the operator if the woman is in the office (it would be just my luck she wasn't and no one was checking her messages) but she is. So I'm giving it til 11:30 an then I'm calling again. I don't want to do this procedure and I don't want to go to GR to do it. It's only an hour away, but it's just a pain. All of this is hard enough, why does it have to be even harder.

I'm still feeling quite sick and threw up again yesterday. This throwing up is getting old. I'm hoping after the procedure I can at least physically start to feel a little better but emotionally...it might be a while!

Anyway, sorry these posts aren't all sunshine and rainbows, but hopefully after all this rain, the sun will come out again. I can only hope!