4 more days til I get to go home. I'm sitting here in my 25th floor hotel room, looking out over the most beautiful bay full of ships, boats and other goings on with the sun shining in on me and all I can think about it going home. I want to be home and be 9 weeks pregnant. Last night we went to dinner at a wonderful steak house. I had a glass of wine with my steak and felt guilty. I kept thinking, I should be almost 9 weeks tonight, I should be having water with my dinner and praying I can keep it down. But no, I'm having wine instead. Why? Whywhywhy is this happening? I feel like I have been really good about my whining and complaining, but right now it seems unbearable. I'm cramping and bleeding which I was hoping wouldn't happen while I was away. Just constant reminders that I'm not pregnant. And probably won't be for a long time. Of course I have these thoughts go through my head....was I not meant to be a mother? Will I be a bad mother? Is that why this is happening? Why is it that some people get have babies without even trying? No marriage, sometimes not even a father? I know I'm grasping at straws here and I know I'm being a big baby, but damn it I feel like I can be. It's been 19 months now that we've been 'trying' to have a baby. If I was trying to do anything else (learn to cook, sew, anything) I would have given up long ago and just chalked it up to an experience....ugh...I guess we keep on trudging through and I pray that someday we can have the baby we want so badly!
In other news, the conference is going well. Very tiring and busy, but fun. The opening reception is tonight, should be fun. Then we'll probably go back downtown for a while. No sense in sitting in here all night feeling sorry for myself. Then tomorrow it's busy busy with meetings, cocktail parties and dinners. Should be fun!
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