Feelings

Since I basically have no updates or news, this post is more for me to pour out my feelings. And I guess technically, this whole blog is for me to say whatever so here I am, saying whatever.

I'm home alone today, Dean is working. He had lessons and now is closing at the course. It just started raining, so maybe he'll be home early. It has given me ample time to think and be alone with my thoughts...not necessarily a good thing. I'm questioning everything. What could I have done to cause this? What could I have done to prevent this? Am I being selfish for wanting a family so badly? Am I being ridiculous being upset at others who have this so easily? Most of these are rhetorical questions...of course there's no answer. I know plenty of people will say God has a plan for me and it will happen in His time. And I, of course, have no idea what that time frame is. I feel like I should be doing something more productive with my life in the meantime, but I can't. I can't get my mind off of this. We live in a world where if we want something, we go get it...now. And this isn't one of those things. A family is something I feel like you work towards. You build up your life to be ready for. And I feel like we've done that. We both went to college, did our things there. I was in a sorority, which taught me a lot about being an adult and the world ahead. Dean played on the golf team and then played on mini-tours in Florida, we both have had full time jobs, we dated for a while before we got married, we've been married for 4+ years, we built a house that is adequate for a family, we've saved money. I feel like we're ready for this next step. Why can't God see that we're ready? I suppose he has a lot to see...there are a lot of people out there who need him more. The soldiers who are protecting our country, all the people who are in hospitals who are sick and dying, cancer patients, small children growing up in homes where they're not wanted or loved. These are the things that are going through my head....these thoughts, basically in this order. I whine and bitch and then immediately feel guilty and decide there are better things for everyone to be doing and worrying about. Ugh....my mind, I don't think anyone wants to really get in there!

I'm nervous about tomorrow. Scared of what the outcome might be. I'm not a huge fan of either choice. And of course I can come up with a reason why I can't have that procedure done on a specific day. I have soccer Tuesday, visiting with out of town friends on Thursday...you get the idea. Well, I guess I'll go back to praying for peace and patience. I'll have my answer to this question soon enough. I'm sure it will just bring more, but at this point, I need just one thing to focus on.

P.S. I'm not real big on prayer...but I'm learning it's importance real quick.
P.S. (again) This is my 100th post...not exactly what I had in mind when I started this thing!