6 weeks...vacation over...happy new year

I'm excited to be 6 weeks pregnant but sad vacation is over.  As of tomorrow morning at 5:30am when the alarm goes off vacation will be over. We will be headed back to the cold, dreary Michigan weather.  I love Marco and love Florida.  I love the beach, sun and relaxing that it brings.  I hope to be back real soon!!!  

On the plus side, going home brings the ultrasound one day closer.  We will be headed to GR Friday afternoon to get a little peek at the babycakes.  Praying and hoping that everything is ok.  Feeling ok so far.  A few waves of nausea but nothing too bad.  Having a little bit of a hard time sleeping through the night and also being really tired during the day.  Knowing and hoping these are all good things.  I'm still having thoughts about what might be on Friday.  Trying to push those out of my head. Trying to only think of the positive.  It has to be our turn to keep this baby.  I know that's not how it works, but I don't want to go through all that again.  So we'll be praying for good news on Friday.

And last but not least....Happy New year.  2008 was a fun year in many ways, but in others it was hard, sad and frustrating.  I have made good friends, I have connected better with others even if they live far away.  I am closer to my mom, my husband and my friends.  I take more time to relish in the good things.  And am so thankful for everything I have.  I could have done without the miscarriage and all the trials trying to have a baby.  I could have enjoyed my job more and could have had more patience.  Maybe next year I will work on that.  I've already decided my resolution will be to deliver a live, healthy baby.  If there are other things that come to mind, then I'll add them to the list, but for right now, that is THE most important thing to me.  I will be hoping and praying for 2009 to bring good things to all my friends and family.  Good health for my mom, good business for my dad, new jobs, engagements, and growing, healthy children for my friends.  So here we go...ready or not...into 2009!

Sunday 5

Here we are, another Sunday.  So here's this weeks list of what I'm happy/thankful for

1) Thankful for a wonderful Christmas Day with my husband.  We had a nice day all to ourselves.  

2) So happy to be in sunny Florida with my family.  It's warm, wonderful and sunny here...I love it!

3) Thankful for safe travels for myself and all my friends who have traveled over this week to visit friends and families.  I know not all the travels are finished with, but I hope and pray everyone makes it home or where-ever they're going safely

4) So happy and thankful to still be pregnant (as far as we know).  We haven't had a lot of symptoms (which is frightening) but we haven't had anything to lead us to believe otherwise.  

5) And last but not least, happy for being able to share our big news with my family this week. My parents and brothers are so excited for us.  It will be fun to share this journey with them.  Especially my mom....she's been waiting for this for a long time (well, not as long as we have, but you know what I mean.

I'm still very nervous about this whole baby thing. I'm not feeling very pregnant and I know I will regret saying that someday, but for right now, I just want something to give me a sign that everything is ok with the little babycakes.  Only 5 more days til the ultrasound.....I DO NOT want to wish away our vacation so I'm going to enjoy every second I sit by the pool or on the beach, but I'm excited to see the little one.  Praying so hard that everything is ok this time.  

Merry Christmas

I've been wanting to post all day, but didn't know exactly what to say.  Of course I'm feeling blessed to be pregnant right now, but I feel like I'm having a hard time.  I had a horrible stomach ache last night and then woke up with it again this morning.  So of course my mind went straight to the worst case scenario.  I haven't had any issues since, but it's still hard not to think about.  All this has been taken away before, what's to stop it from happening again.  But here we are at 5 weeks, so for now everything is good.  

Our evening so far has been uneventful.  My husband is sick with his 3rd cold in as many months.  I'm starting to get worried about him.  He usually never gets sick. And I haven't caught any of the colds from him.  Which is good for me and I hope that continues! We've started packing for the trip. Trying on all the summer clothes is somewhat depressing.  After almost 2 years of trying to have a baby, I've gained 10-13 pounds.  It's quite frustrating and I'm mad at myself for not trying harder to lose some of it when I could.  Oh well, I guess I'll go down there and wear my shorts and t-shirts and not worry about it.  The goal will be to not worry about anything.  

Merry Christmas to everyone.  I hope you all have a wonderful holiday with friends and or family and safe travels wherever that may be.  

Sooo cold!!

It's just so cold here...and we've had so much snow. I think we're just shy of the record for the most snow in December in this area. I know everyone likes a white Christmas, but when I can barely make it into work, that's a bit excessive. And it hasn't barely been over 10* in the last several days. That is TOO cold! I am so looking forward to our trip south on Thursday. I looked up the weather last night and it was a full 79* warmer there than here (1 here and 80 there). So yeah, can't wait.

On the pregnancy front, no real news. Still feeling ok. Tired and have to pee a lot, but ok. Those little thoughts of doubt are starting to creep in, but I'm trying to shove them back out as soon as they appear. No reason to let them win. We've even had a discussion about names! Crazy. I think both of us are just so hopeful this time around! And it's fun to talk about it. We'll probably change our minds a hundred times between now and August anyway! The only other thing I've noticed is the size of my chest. It apparently grew overnight. It just seems bigger today. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm imagining things, but it seems that way. I should get a measuring tape and check it out!

So anyway, the prayers are continuing for a healthy, sticky baby. Less than 2 weeks now til the u/s....trying not to get too excited!!

Sunday 5

Is it Sunday again?  Seems like I was just doing this.  I guess this last week flew by! I'm sure the next 2 will fly as well.  With the holiday and traveling and of course the upcoming ultrasound.  It'll be here before we know it.  It's a blustery, cold, winter day here.  I'm sort of over all this snow and the thermometer reads 3*....that's a little too cold for my taste.  And we're going to the in laws for Christmas today.  Not really looking forward to that.  Worried about telling them our news and how they'll react.  I worried about this last time too.  They're just so odd.  Oh well....hopefully they don't say something stupid!  And hopefully they actually listen and don't go blabbing it to the entire town like we will ask.  

Anyway....onto the 5 things I'm happy/thankful for this week

1) First off, very thankful and happy for the bfp on Monday and the good beta #'s on Tuesday and Thursday.  I'm very hopeful this time around and will be praying from now til  August for a healthy, happy baby!!  

2) Very glad my parents and brother made it to Florida safe and sound.  Traveling is such a toss up these days.  Although they were flying direct so less chance of delays and cancellations.

3) Thankful for the year end profit sharing check we got at work this week.  I wasn't really sure we had done that well this year.  It's been a tough year for all businesses and ours isn't exempt from that.  

4) So happy that my husband is out plowing the driveway right now without expecting me to go help.  He knows I hate it and the dr. said no lifting over 30#s.  I'm sure that snow isn't over 30#'s but why risk it.  And I think he likes to do it.  

5) Excited for the holiday break we're going to have come Thursday.  I know that's not last week, but I've been thinking about it and getting ready for it for a while now.  Only 4 days left!!! 

Snow snow and more snow

Well...we got the snow they said we would.  It snowed like crazy all morning so we closed the office early and went home.  It finally stopped snowing and we probably could have stayed all day...oh well. I had a wonderful afternoon at home with the husband.  

My only concern is this progesterone is causing my skin to be really irritated.  So irritated that it's raw and bleeding a little.  And I know it's not internal bleeding b/c I inspected it quite thoroughly (TMI, I know).  But it's just so painful and it itches.  I'm going to see how it progresses but plan to call the dr on Monday if it doesn't go away to see if there's something I can put on it to at least soothe the pain.  I googled the issue and apparently it is common.  Who knew. I didn't have this problem before.  I'm trying my best to ignore it at the moment.  

Oh and I added a ticker....probably premature, but I feel good about this and I want to enjoy every second I have.  So this is what I'm doing!

Second beta is 232. Good number (according to the nurse anyway). So I'm happy. We scheduled the ultrasound for Jan 2nd. Since it's a holiday week and I'm out of town til the 1st, we have to do it in Grand Rapids, but I have the day off work so I don't care. And I don't even have to make up some excuse to be gone either...yay! So now I start praying for a little flicker of a heartbeat and that my little one wants to stick around in there for a while!! I think our trip will help time fly by and of course the holidays always help. We have plans tonight and over the weekend a few Christmas activities. And only 2 1/2 days of work next week. The trip will be here before we know it. Can't wait.
Thank you again for all the thoughts and prayers....I really appreciate it.

**update** and if it doesn't seem like I'm excited, that is totally NOT the case. We are both over the moon excited and hopeful for this little one!!! Trying to keep it in check a little bit...but it's getting worse and worse by the day!!

First beta number is 114.  Higher than last time....so still cautiously optimistic.  Praying for a good number on Thursday.  The nurse gave me the 'rules' of early pregnancy.  Which she obviously read off some sheet.  Pretty self explanatory.  No heavy lifting, no drugs, alcohol, kitty litter etc.  Yes to Tyle.nol, su.defed, rob.tussin.   Lots of fluids and small meals.  Small cramps are ok, bright red bleeding, not ok. Basically take it easy and pray for good numbers on Thursday. We'll set up the first ultrasound that day too.  Probably won't be til the first week of January, but with the holidays and travel, that will be here before we know it!!!  Praying hard for a good healthy pregnancy!!!

Here we go again...

Well.....here we go again....the test was positive! Dean and I are super excited, cautious, but excited. I plan to call the dr this morning and will have to go in for blood work today or tomorrow morning. And probably set up our 1st ultrasound, which will most likely be the 1st full week of January. I didn't take a picture of the test this morning...it was far too early to be thinking of things like that. But I probably will tonight. And I have 1 test left so I'll probably take that this week too....just to see the line pop up. So now the praying starts to keep this little one snuggled in tight for the next 9 months....we got our wish for a Christmas miracle....now just to keep this little miracle. I am going to try to be positive and enjoy all the time I know I have. It might be hard, but I know I can do it.
Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers...I can't say thank you enough! I hope this is it for us and I can't wait to introduce our little one next August!

Sunday Five

It's Sunday again already?  Here are the 5 things I'm happy/thankful for this week...

1) My dear husband putting up with me and this 1st cycle back on the horse.  He's been very supportive!

2) My mom got the approval to move her blood draws to Kalamazoo cutting her trips to Detroit in more than half!!!  This will free up several days a week!

3) My mom got good news on her scans...they showed slight improvement! This is a 1st for her.  In her 10+ years of cancer treatment, she's never had improvement.  It was only slight, but we'll take what we can get.  Now if we can just get the side effects under control.  

4) My brother finished his 2nd to last semester in college this week.  I think we're all happy that he's that much closer to graduating! 

5) And last but not least, happy for all my friends who have been there for me these last few weeks.  It means the world to me!  

Test day is tomorrow....I'm nervous and worried. I wanted to test today, but Dean convinced me not to.  So if anyone has any extra prayers....please send them our way.  I'm hoping and praying this is it for us....it's been 22 months and I think we're both ready for this.  No, I don't think...I know we're ready.  Anyway, I'll be posting the results, one way or another, tomorrow....

Almost Friday

I feel like I've been hit with a Mack truck today. Tired and cranky. I was up at 5am again...this is getting old! I woke up because I had to pee, and then the cat thought it was time to get up. So he cried for like 35 minutes. I tried to get him to come on the bed with me so I could pet him, but no. So I finally fell back asleep after deciding not to go to the gym, so of course I feel guilty! But I thought the sleep would help me feel better. Apparently not. Although despite being tired, this morning has gone by relatively quickly. As I was trying to fall back asleep this morning, my mind couldn't help but wander to babies and all the 'what if's' that I can't discuss with my husband. He hates that game! I think that also had something to do with my not sleeping.
On another note, 2 weeks from today we'll be on our way to sunny Florida. I suppose our plane doesn't leave til 6pm, so we won't be on our way right now...but you get the idea. I'm so looking forward to spending some time with good friends on the beach. They have been friends with Dean forever and now I'm friends with them too. They live in Tampa and when they come 'home' they have a lot of people to see, so we don't get to visit with them too much. So spending a few days with them while they are on vacation in Venice will be fun. And their dogs are super cute!
Anyway...enough rambling...it's almost lunch:-)

Counting down

I feel like I'm counting down to so many things right now...testing, our Christmas lunch (and half day off work), my haircut, friends coming over for lunch, my parents leaving for Florida, us leaving for Florida. It's all coming...but not fast enough!! I know I shouldn't wish away the time, but it's so hard! And I'm sure writing about it doesn't help, but too bad. Hopefully after today the downhill slide to the weekend will be quick and I know the weekend will be quick!! The Christmas lunch is Tuesday, haircut Thursday. My parents leave Thursday too which hopefully will alleviate some stress. My dad is a royal pain in the ass this time of year. I am pretty convinced he does it to himself, puts himself in orbit about the year end at the business, spending money at Christmas, everything. And he's been taking my mom to Detroit for her treatments and subsequent appointments and now bitching about that. I keep telling him that she's a big girl, she can go alone. She's been in cancer treatment for 10 1/2 years and he didn't go with her when it was here...but as part of the study they have to do a "personal study" or something and the director told him he was the "poster child of cancer care"....excuse me while I laugh my head off! So now he things he's obligated to do all this. He's driving everyone crazy, micromanaging everyone at work and my mom, and it's getting old. Ugh....only 2 weeks and 1 day and we will be on the beach...can't wait! At least he won't be in quite a state down there! And we're staying in a different hotel....thank gosh for space.

As a disclaimer...I am thankful for my parents and all they do for us...but I work with my dad and right now it's just too much togetherness. Everyone needs a little time to vent!! Less than an hour left at work...wahoo!

Another one bites the dust

And another friend is pregnant. She's only 10 weeks so she's not ready to 'announce' yet, but there were some posts on her facebook that were somewhat encrypting...so I had a feeling what was coming. Oh well....of course I'm a little bummed. Funny how different the emotions are when different people announce this news. The last friend that announced hit me so hard. I was so upset. With this, I'm feeling ok. I'm happy for her and excited for her. I'm still hoping to be excited for me soon too!

Only a few more days. And don't worry...after yesterdays post it might have seemed like I was going to go right out and pee on a stick, but that didn't/isn't going to happen. I actually don't even have any in the house (for this reason). So I will go buy one when I need one! That will put off any testing too early! I'm going out with my mom tonight to do some errands and have dinner. So that will be fun. I'm wishing the end of the work day will get here sooner, but no such luck. At least tomorrow is midweek!!!

Long week??

Do you ever have those days that you just want to pee on something? I'm going nuts today. No, there's no way I could be pregnant, but when I woke up at 5:15 (a whole 30 minutes before my alarm went off) this morning, first I was pissed, then I thought...wait....waking up to pee?? Does this mean anything? Then I had to shoot myself back to the ground, no you moron...it's WAY too early for that. Now today I'm exhausted...pregnancy exhausted? Again...no you moron, too early. But you know where this is going. Me trying to decide what is too early to test?? According to the nest and other places 12 dpo is acceptable. Anything earlier than that is just peeing on money. So here we go...it might be a long week:-)

Sunday 10

So I heard through a friend/blog about this and thought I'd give it a try.  Every Sunday write a blog entry about ten things I'm happy about/thankful for that happened in the past week.  Ten seems like a lot (I'm sure I'm thankful/happy about a lot of things, but a lot of them might be the same) so I'm going to start off doing 5.  And I might make this a monthly thing rather than a weekly thing.  We'll see how it goes.

My list this week:

1) Seeing my grandma for the first time since last year (this was a little earlier than this week, but still...)

2)  Happy to have 4 follicles for this first cycle since the m/c (praying this goes somewhere!)

3)  Thrilled to have seen 2 friends I haven't seen in a long time and talking to another friend I haven't talked in a while.  I miss them all!!

4)  Got some potential good news about my moms cancer study (hopefully this one makes the list again in the near future with for sure good news!!)

5)  Excited at the prospect of a good friend moving back closer to home...

So yeah, 5 was harder than I thought!  We'll see how this goes:-)

On the baby front, I have started the pro.metri.um.  I am to take it 2x a day.   Does anyone know if you have to take it in the morning and at night?  I have been doing it in the am and before I go to bed. But I usually go to the gym in the morning and I'm worried about it leaking and being gross.  I suppose I could take it to work, but that sorta grosses me out.  I was thinking if I took it when I got home from work and then before bed that's 5 hours apart....and I could lay down for a few minutes after...who knows. I guess I'll call the office and ask tomorrow.  And for the time being I'll just deal with it.  I guess something will get absorbed no matter what, right?

Here's to a fast, good week.  Praying, praying, praying for good news in 7-8 days!!!!  

Other news

Today is long and boring...I can't wait til 4:00 so I can go home and do nothing tonight. We were supposed to go to a party but I am just not feeling it. I have felt awful all week and don't feel like being social. So we'll sit home and watch Grey's that we missed last night and I might do some baking. We'll see.
In other news, I just found out that there's a small chance my mom can start taking her chemo here instead of Detroit. Apparently our cancer center (that she's been going to for the last 10+ years) was just accepted as a place for this study so the nurses there have been fighting for the drug company to release my mom to their facility because they know what a hardship it is to drive over there every week (sometimes for several days). And the coolest part....they were doing all this without even asking/telling her because they like her so much and want her around. So sweet. I just knew there were good people out there still! She's so excited but trying not to get her hopes up. She will find out hopefully this afternoon or Monday. If the drug company won't release her, she's going to ask if she can at least do the blood draws here. That would save several trips. She'd only have to go once every 3 weeks for treatment to Detroit. Again, this is all up in the air, but it would be a huge weight off her and my dad. I can't pray enough that this works out for her!!! She takes everything in stride, she does whatever the doctors want her to. Doing this study has been so hard on her physically and mentally. Being gone all the time and the drug basically sucks. Makes her sick and feel awful. At least the spots aren't growing, so that's good. Wouldn't want to feel like that for no reason. A little good news would go a long way in this journey!
So besides baby prayers I'll be praying for good drug company news too!!
Now the countdown to 4:00 begins!!!

Thursday already?

So for this week feeling like it was dragging, I can't believe it's Thursday afternoon already. And I have fun dinner plans tonight, so I'm looking forward to that! Now if I could just get this stomach pain to go away. I've had it since Tuesday night and it has been coming and going, but right now it's really painful. I thought originally it might have been from the dil.do cam, since she was really pressing in there. But now I don't know what it is. My belly seems distended and it just hurts. I've been taking Tums, but so far, no relief.
Well...only a few more hours of work and then off for some fun. And tomorrow is Friday...one week down...one to go!

Article

I was excited to see this in our paper last night. It is nice to know I'm not the one who can't have a baby. These poor women have been through far worse then I have!! I'm just glad it shed a little more light on the subject...maybe someday it won't be so taboo to talk about!

Happy Wednesday...we're halfway to the weekend!!!

Holy Follicles

So much for my defeatist attitude...apparently the 150mg of clomid worked!! I had 3 follicles (21, 20 and 19) and one at 15.5 which apparently puts at borderline over stimulated for my age. We haven't been in this situation yet so we haven't had this conversation yet. She gave us the speech about multiples and if we were ok with 3 or 4...yikes. But since we that last one wasn't over 16 we were ok to continue, but she wants us to think about selective reduction if all four fertilize (highly unlikely!!!) So we'll think about it, but I doubt that it will ever become a reality. Two would be great, three would be ok, four? I just don't know. So now we have a 'schedule' and I can take a hpt in 2 weeks. Who hoo! Now I just need to recover from the magic wand...she was really pushing and prodding in there! Poor Dean, the look on his face was priceless during the whole thing! But I think he's excited too...
Now the prayers start...if you have any extra, please pray for one of these little guys to fertilize, implant and stick around for about 9 months!!