and again...

Another blood test. My levels didn't go down enough. I'm so upset. I know that I keep saying this, but it's not fair. I'm so over this. I want a baby. I want a family. I want what everyone else seems to get so easily. And this news on top of an already crappy day. I didn't sleep well so I'm tired and cranky. A coworker basically gave me all her work because she's apparently too stupid to figure out how to screw around on the Internet AND get her work done at the same time. So instead, she just gives it to me. I had a miscommunication with my husband, so my lunch hour was spent doing something that I didn't really need to do, which is annoying. So now we have to do it after work. Again, annoying. And if I have to read, look at or hear about another pregnant person I am going to bust. I'm being selfish, I know that. And at this point I don't care. I feel like I've taken all this in stride the last 2 months, but I'm done. I'm done being nice about it, I'm done not thinking of myself. Why shouldn't I? It's not getting me anywhere. Everyone around me only thinks of themselves. Being a better person is supposed to pay off in the end. I realize I'm far from the end, but still. Why do rude, selfish, obnoxious people get what they want? Do they get it because they step all over people to get it? Probably. Maybe I don't want to be like that. But for right now, in my head, I'm going to be selfish, sad, and sorry. I don't have to make it known outside my head for now.

UGH....well I need to get back to all the work that wasn't mine, but is now. Can tomorrow please come faster?

(hopefully) Final blood draw

So I had what is hopefully my last Hcg test this morning. I pray that it is out of my system!! Anyway, I was talking to the lady checking me in and she said oh, you must be so excited. So then I had to explain that we lost the baby and this was just the follow up from that. She looked down and said "oh, I'm so sorry". So then I felt bad. I didn't say it to make her feel bad, but I couldn't exactly say I was excited. So then she went on to tell me about all the people she's known who have adopted from here and over seas. And yes, that is an option, but we aren't ready for that yet!! I haven't given up on having my own baby. Anyway, it is the first time I've had to explain all this to a stranger. It was quite weird. And of course we're talking about it in a waiting room with other people there...oh it was awkward!

Anyway, I should have the results by this afternoon....praying, praying, praying!!!

Glutton for punishment

I swear, sometimes I bring this crap on myself. I ask how people are doing, knowing they're going to complain. I agree to get togethers even though I don't feel like it or want to. I look at facebook only to find yet another person announcing, discussing or complaining about their pregnancy. UGH. Is it time for bed yet?

Ok, that's the vent for the day.

In other news, my mom is coming home from her trip today. Although she has her treatment in D-town tomorrow so they won't be home til late tomorrow. But at least they'll be back in our time zone! I have missed talking to her! Maybe we can get together over the weekend....

Who me worry?

So way back a few months ago Dean applied for a job down in Florida for an AWESOME PGA job. It is right up his alley. He would be perfect for it. Anyway, we didn't hear anything and I figured it wasn't meant to be and there are probably other PGAs out there who were a better fit. Anyway, he got an email last week that they wanted everyone to resubmit their resumes. So he contacted the career consultant to look at his resume and got some tips and sent it in again today. I have no idea how I feel about this. It seems really odd to me that this was brought to our attention not once, but twice. I'm not one to think things are 'fate' or 'meant to be' or anything, but this is weird. Part of me wants to think it was meant to be. Part of me thinks this would be a great experience for both of us. But then part of me sees a friend having a hard time after moving away from friends and family. Would I have a hard time? Heck yes! It would be so hard. Then why do I think I want this? Why do I think I need a change? Is it because my job seems mundane now? Is it because I want a baby and since that doesn't seem to be happening for me, I'll take another kind of change? A change that moves me far, far away? It's not like me to want something like this. I dread to think what we'll do if he gets an offer. What will be the deciding factors? What will be the pros and cons? I know I shouldn't even think about this. I know it will drive me crazy and it might be for nothing. But you know what? It's actually nice to think of something else. Something other than when I will start my period, when I can start taking drugs, when I can pee on a stick. It's nice to worry about something else for a change! My grandma used to be the worry wart in our family. She would sit around and worry about thinking of things to worry about! Now that she's passed on (miss you nana!) that trait has been passed to my dad. And I dread to think what happens if he passes it to me!!! I don't mind a little worry, but can't turn into that!! So this is just a little worry for now...if it gets too out of control, I will corral it! I promise!

Ok...back to boring old life. I need to get back to IF....these last posts are out of control:-)

Being tested

I feel like I am being tested today. Everyone is driving me crazy, I am working on my patience, but it's not working very well. And we have someone coming into the office to take us out to lunch so I can't even get away for an hour....bummer! I just need some space, apparently 2 days away wasn't enough. The crazy lady I work with is going on and on about her sick kid. I realize that kids get sick, but do I really have to keep hearing about it? I guess I just have a different idea of what to do with sick kids. He has a sore throat so of course she's running him to the dr b/c she's positive it'll turn into strep. And people wonder why our health care costs are so high...take your kid to an unnecessary dr appointment, pump him full of unnecessary antibiotics and then bitch b/c your health insurance keeps going up. I realize I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth. I have been to the dr more times than I can even count trying to have a baby...which to some would seem unnecessary. So basically what I'm saying is, it's ok for me, but not for her. (I know...not good).

And on another note, our neighbors (who just moved in, not even sleeping there yet) had all their appliances stolen from their brand new home on Friday night. The thieves also took her jewelry and a few other odds and ends. How awful...why do people feel the need to take what isn't' theirs? It makes me sick, and a little nervous since the house is right by ours! Poor lady was so upset about her jewelry. Her wedding band and her fathers wedding band, not super valuable, but sentimental.

And Dean found out the job he applied for in Florida is back on the market and the deadline to apply is tomorrow. So he's working on the resume and will submit it today. Not that we want to move, but it would be an awesome job!

This is a hodge-podge of a post, and for that I'm sorry. My head just seems all jumbled up today. Thoughts bouncing here, there and everywhere....and of course landing right back where it usually ends up....baby-ville. I keep thinking about the what ifs, why nots, and what's next. I can't plan for this and it's driving me crazy. I have to leave it up to my body, who has failed me now for 20 months...why would I want to leave this up to it now? I don't! So again, working on my patience. Maybe when I become more patient, I will get what I've been asking for. Probably not, but maybe.

And we wait...

It's still there...the hormone levels are still there. They dropped from 37 last Thursday to 20 today. The dr wants them under 5. How long is this going to take? I realize I'm supposed to be working on my patience, but I think I've done ok. Apparently I'm alone in that thought. I guess that's just another week that we will be waiting before trying to start a new cycle. At this rate, our Thanksgiving trip will not even play a roll in our cycle. I guess that's a good thing.

Needless today I'm not too thrilled with this news. I guess we continue to wait. And I continue to work on my patience. We'll see how it goes.

Infertility

Is it just me or does everyone going through IF question twins and multiples? I always wonder did they go through any fertility treatments? What types? How long did they 'try'? What did it feel like to finally find out they were pg? What did they think when they found out it was twins, triplets, etc? I just read that B rook & C harlie S heen are having twins. I don't really follow celebrities, but I'm really bored at work. So of course, I see they're having twins and I wonder...was it justified? And the article said "the couple "think the twins are boys" but aren't sure"...she just finished her 1st trimester, they don't know that...why would they say that? It just bothered me. I wish some media outlet would just ask...did you have trouble? What did you go through? Why must IVF always be put out there as a rich persons way to have a smart, cute, boy or girl of their choice? Why can't it be about the everyday woman who just wants to be a mother.

I know how I feel about my infertility. I don't mind talking about it, in fact it sometimes helps to talk about it to my friends and family. I'm not announcing it on facebook or anything, but my friends know. And I love that they support me through all this. But I don't know how others feel about it. I have twins on my soccer team and I want to ask about their situation. I have two other girls who were adopted from foreign countries (along with their siblings) and I want to ask. But of course I won't....some probably would rather forget the struggle to have a family. I know someday I will probably want to forget...heck, I would like to forget right now if it meant I could have my baby! Who knows...it won't 'come up' in conversation, but I will keep my ears open, just to see if anyone says anything.

Well, it's just past 4 now...only 45 minutes left of work. This week has been great, the crazy one was gone Monday and Tuesday....but is back today and out of control. Driving me absolutely bat shit crazy. I know everyone has the right to be excited about their plans and what they've done the night before, but seriously, do I need to hear about it 5 times today? No, I do not. I can't wait to be done today! Maybe she'll mind her own business for the rest of the day...I can only hope! Then it's home to hang out by myself. Fun times to be had by all:-)

I've been spotting for 46 days....there have been breaks, the longest being 3 days, but today it's back...with a vengeance. I have cramps, bright red blood...Almost like a period but it'll stop again tonight and then start again in a day or so, so definitely no AF. Seriously, I'm so over this. I know life isn't always fair, but I am still thinking this isn't fair! I've been pleading with my body to please stop...but it's not listening. I'm thinking of trading this one in for a new one...that might work out better!!

Weekends

Aren't they great? I love them...a lot! This one was pretty uneventful, but still fun. Dean was home all day yesterday (a real treat for a golf pro!) He went to my soccer game, which we won, by a lot! My girls did great. Then had lunch with my dads cousin and family who was in town. Then home to do yard work and get ready for fall. It was beautiful out. Cool, but sunny and pretty. We actually got a lot done...good thing because I heard rumors of 29* as a low one night this week. And snow next week....YIKES!! Today we went out to breakfast (bad for diet, good for tummy!) He had to close tonight and I went to help my mom at her house for a while. I'm exhausted tonight, but had a great weekend. Too bad it's closing in on bedtime soon:-(

I'm hoping this week goes fast. The crazy girl I work with is out of the office. So yes, I have to do her work while she's gone but I don't have to listen to her talk, or snap her gum, or anything for 2 days! And I'm going to a financial seminar on Thursday after work. My financial advisor is putting it on so that should be entertaining. And I'm also going to look into cake decorating classes. I saw an add in the paper today, 50% off at Hobby Lobby. I want to check it out for price, timing and length of class. Could be fun. Oh and more blood work Thursday too...Praying hard for 0 hormones in my body.

What's left...

What's left when good news cancels out bad news? I wish I knew, because that's where I'm at right now....I got good news from a dear friend and then bad news about our journey towards parenthood. I can't go into the good news, but there are a lot of prayers of continued support going out right now. As for the bad...well, I still have an HcG level of 37... Thirty...freaken...seven. It has been 6 weeks. 6 LONG weeks. Spotting for 6 weeks? Waiting, worrying, wondering for 6 weeks. I'm over it. I know I will probably forget all about this when we are in the hospital delivering a precious baby, but right now I can't even see that far ahead. So no provera, just another blood test in a week. At this point, because of our travel plans, we won't be able to get a cycle in before we go to San Francisco at Thanksgiving. Which in the grand scheme of things is really no big deal. I was just hoping to get one in before that. I need to just forget about the timing I guess. We'll make it work whenever it happens. And maybe having a cycle 'off' will be good...who knows. I just need to keep looking for peace and patience within myself...

In other news, I've been to the gym everyday this week...that makes me feel a little better about myself. I guess just forcing myself to do it makes it easier. I'm not even that tired. So I will try to continue this pattern. Maybe even try to go over the weekend. We'll see...

My mom had her 2nd chemo treatment last week and next week is her 'off' week, so she and my dad are headed to Cali to visit family for a few days. I know she's looking forward to that. Her kitchen project isn't going very well, but hopefully will farther along once they get back. She's a very strong and wonderful woman. She's been through so much, I need to look to her for the courage to be stronger and better. I strive to be as strong as her!

Patience

How do you work on having more patience? I feel like I am at the end of my rope....I'm trying to take deep breaths, keep my composure, mind my own business, but I work in a very small office. I can hear everyone's very word. And there lies the problem...every.single.word. Every phone call, every mumble, everything. (as you can see, my patience is near gone!) I still maintain that if I had an office with a door to close, I would like my job...maybe even love it. But the fact that someone is giving me her work and then I walk by and she's playing Texas hold em on her myspace I want to scream. But getting it out here helps...phew! Feeling better....slowly.

On another front, getting my blood redrawn Thursday instead of Friday in hopes to have an answer before the weekend.

And I got some of the insurance mess straightened around. They are resubmitting for payment on one and the other is "still in processing" or whatever that means. I still have to pay 20% b/c the RE is "out of network" but 20% is better than 100%! So I'll take it. I know the girl that worked here last year and had a baby in March is still dealing with the insurance for the labor and delivery...I swear, they just want someone else to pay even though that's their job. Although, I shouldn't talk, I do work in the industry.

45 days

Yep, that's right...45 days til Thanksgiving! That means less than 45 days til we go to San Fran! I'm so excited at the prospect of getting OUT of here for a few days. And it'll be here before we know it! And then Christmas will be here shortly after that...I hate wishing away the days, but sometimes it's worth it. San Fran and Marco Island are worth it!!!

Insurance

Companies suck. Really suck. I know I work in the insurance world, but they still suck. I got the bills today for the D&C. Three bills totalling over $2000. Seriously? The insurance company paid for about half the blood work, ok, I can handle that. And it looks like the RE billed them for the actual procedure and nothing was taken out. So that means they either aren't covering any of it or they're dragging their feet either way, I have to deal with it on Monday. And the last bill was for what I assume is the testing done on the tissue. Of course the bill doesn't say what it's for and it's from a hospital. So I don't really know. Again...I have to call on Monday. I'm so frustrated and annoyed. It's costing us a fortune to have a baby and we aren't even doing the true infertility treatments (IUI or IVF). And if this next cycle doesn't work it will get even more expensive. Money doesn't grow on trees here in SW Michigan so I'm not too sure about all this. We may have to reconsider our stance on kids. I know my parents said they'd help us, but of course I feel guilty about that. I need to talk to my mom about it again, but she's been feeling so bad from her chemo and constant travels to Detroit, I don't want to add any burden to her. This is just another reason why all this sucks. Sucks, sucks sucks...

I guess there's no point worrying about it now, it's almost 8pm on a Saturday night....it'll have to wait til Monday. Oh and my husband is getting a cold....so I'll probably have it sometime next week. Yippee.

Finally Friday

I'm so excited it's finally Friday! This week has seemed to go on forever!
Some points of interest....last night, had dinner with some good friends and an adorable baby! It was great conversation and fun seeing them. I miss my college friends a lot!
Today I decided I didn't want to go home for lunch so I picked something up and went to the park near our office. Sat and ate and watched the kiddos play. It's so interesting being in this position. I watch the other parents with their toddlers and wonder what kind of parent will I be? Will I be the one that is following an inch behind my kid making sure they don't touch anything or fall? or will I be the parent that is sitting just outside the playground watching? or will I be something in between? I sat there thinking about what kind of parent I would have been had I gotten pregnant right away compared to the type of parent I will be now, that it's taken us so long...will they be different? Will I ever know if they are? probably not, but it's an interesting thought. All I know is watching those kids out there made me want that even more.

You know how thoughts go from one to another and the next thing you know you're thinking to yourself....how did my mind get here? That's how I've been feeling lately...one thought leads to another, to another, to another until I'm so far away from the original thought I have no clue how I got there or how I get back. Sounds strange...I know...sometimes I don't want to know the inner workings of the mind.

Ok....so that was me trying to be a better person, thinking differently etc....now back to the old me who is so annoyed at her coworkers she can hardly sit here and tolerate them! I know...I should be more understanding and let the stuff roll off my back, but seriously...I'm so over it. The constant "one upping" and "know it all" attitude is getting to me. No one knows everything, so why must they continue acting like they do? Ugh....it is SO annoying.

Anyway, now that is out of my system....I feel better:-)

I'm overloaded with caffeine today...yikes! It could be the Diet coke, but it could be that I'm seeing 3 of my best friends and a little baby! Overall it's a good day!

The weather is beautiful today and is supposed to remain this way through the weekend. We have another soccer game on Saturday. The girls played a make up game on Tuesday and did so great. It started to rain in the last quarter, so one of them offered to follow me around with an umbrella. So cute! I really do enjoy coaching even if it does bring up sad feelings sometimes. I love seeing the girls learn and grow with the sport! We only have 3 more games this fall! It went by fast! I'll have to get a picture of the team one of these days...

Ok...time for more diet coke!

Fall

It's a true fall day here. It's chilly and rainy and the leaves are really starting to turn shades of red, yellow and orange. I'm not usually a fan of fall, but it is beautiful to see a green tree being enveloped in red. My mom was just in northern MI and she said the leaves are almost 50% changed...it'll be that way soon down here too! Maybe we can take a drive sometime soon to check out all the fall color!

I have recently found out a friend of mines' mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. We met in college and haven't been that close in the last 6 years, but through Facebook we've reconnected (gotta love those 'social websites' or whatever they're called). I was so glad she said something because I have been in her shoes. Ten years ago when my mom was diagnosed and was facing her first surgery, I had the same feelings she's having now. I feel like I'm being given a chance to help someone else get through this a little easier than I may have. I hope my words can ease her fears, although I know they probably won't. But I will continue to hope and pray for her and her mother. She's a strong woman, I know she'll fight her hardest to beat this disease.

For I am not ashamed of the gospel; it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who has faith, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. (Romans 1:16 NRSV Bible)

There is a story of elderly lady who was watching as a pair of golfers sliced their drives deep into the rough. The golfers went in search of their errant golf balls. The grass was high, the trees were thick, and tempers flared as they looked in vain through the underbrush. The elderly lady observed all this from the front porch of her house. After the search had lasted nearly half an hour, she finally called out to them, "I don't want to bother you men," she said, "but will it be cheating if I tell you where the golf balls are?"

As we look around us, we see people searching for lost values, for real meaning in life, and for hope. We must not keep silent. Fulfilling the Great Commission means sharing Jesus Christ with those around. It means speaking up and guiding them to forgiveness and salvation.
There are too many churches with impeccable credentials for orthodox theology whose outreach is almost nil. They are sound, but they are sound asleep. It is far too easy for the Church to become a sort of religious clique where Christians retreat from the world.

The church on the Day of Pentecost understood that its primary mission was to reach out to the world. The unity that they experienced and the prayers that they offered were only to help them more ably fulfill the task that Christ had given them to make disciples of all persons. They existed not for their own benefit, but for the benefit of a lost world.

Dear God, may I not loose sight of helping others to know you and your love. In Jesus name, Amen. Ron Newhouse

I try to check this website everyday ( it doesn't always happen, but I try). It is amazing how often the posts speak to me. This one in particular, for example. I have felt that through our journey to have a family, I have been pulled in many directions. Towards church and God, towards family, towards friends, towards Dean and also pulled inward to myself. I tend to shy away from that which I do not know. I haven't been a regular church-goer my whole life. My parents didn't take us, I didn't go in college but a few times, I did go for a while after college, but didn't really get into it. I of course gravitate toward friends and family for love and support. And I can't thank them all enough for all the support they've shown. I am still afraid of the unknown and church is definitely the unknown for me. I have been meaning to talk to Dean about this, but he is in the same boat...unknown=scary! I just need to keep telling myself that just because I don't go to church on Sunday doesn't mean I don't believe in a higher being watching out for us. I truly believe that there is a place beyond this world where I will see friends and family when we're gone. So I am going to continue my beliefs and continue to pray to the only God I know. Whether he/she answers or even listens is out of my control. But I can continue anyway. And continue I will....

**Update**

Re-test the blood in 12 days. The chromosomal testing done on the tissues were normal. I guess it is just my f'd up body that is causing this. Frustrating. I need a hobby to keep me occupied.

I realize this is completely out of my control, but AF needs to start by Nov 6th to work out with our travel plans. Yeah, yeah, I know....like I can control any of this. I guess that's part of the problem....letting go of the control. Maybe I'll work on that for a while. Then again, maybe I'll just go home and hide...

More waiting. I guess my levels went down enough that they want me to just wait it out. The nurse is going to call me back to set up yet another blood draw. I am starting to think they should hook up a permanent needle to my arm! I assume they'll do another lab before the end of the week, but we'll see. If it continues to drop at this rate, it should be back to nothing by early next week. I am not sure how I feel about all this. I'm so grateful that I don't have to go through the thought of another d&c, but the idea of waiting is getting old too. Oh well, I don't have a choice. I will just continue to hope and pray for peace and patience.

Feelings

Since I basically have no updates or news, this post is more for me to pour out my feelings. And I guess technically, this whole blog is for me to say whatever so here I am, saying whatever.

I'm home alone today, Dean is working. He had lessons and now is closing at the course. It just started raining, so maybe he'll be home early. It has given me ample time to think and be alone with my thoughts...not necessarily a good thing. I'm questioning everything. What could I have done to cause this? What could I have done to prevent this? Am I being selfish for wanting a family so badly? Am I being ridiculous being upset at others who have this so easily? Most of these are rhetorical questions...of course there's no answer. I know plenty of people will say God has a plan for me and it will happen in His time. And I, of course, have no idea what that time frame is. I feel like I should be doing something more productive with my life in the meantime, but I can't. I can't get my mind off of this. We live in a world where if we want something, we go get it...now. And this isn't one of those things. A family is something I feel like you work towards. You build up your life to be ready for. And I feel like we've done that. We both went to college, did our things there. I was in a sorority, which taught me a lot about being an adult and the world ahead. Dean played on the golf team and then played on mini-tours in Florida, we both have had full time jobs, we dated for a while before we got married, we've been married for 4+ years, we built a house that is adequate for a family, we've saved money. I feel like we're ready for this next step. Why can't God see that we're ready? I suppose he has a lot to see...there are a lot of people out there who need him more. The soldiers who are protecting our country, all the people who are in hospitals who are sick and dying, cancer patients, small children growing up in homes where they're not wanted or loved. These are the things that are going through my head....these thoughts, basically in this order. I whine and bitch and then immediately feel guilty and decide there are better things for everyone to be doing and worrying about. Ugh....my mind, I don't think anyone wants to really get in there!

I'm nervous about tomorrow. Scared of what the outcome might be. I'm not a huge fan of either choice. And of course I can come up with a reason why I can't have that procedure done on a specific day. I have soccer Tuesday, visiting with out of town friends on Thursday...you get the idea. Well, I guess I'll go back to praying for peace and patience. I'll have my answer to this question soon enough. I'm sure it will just bring more, but at this point, I need just one thing to focus on.

P.S. I'm not real big on prayer...but I'm learning it's importance real quick.
P.S. (again) This is my 100th post...not exactly what I had in mind when I started this thing!

No answers yet

Another blood draw Monday morning. If the levels are the same or rising then another dnc. If they are decreasing, then we wait and see. Although it's been 4+ weeks, if the remaining tissue hasn't been dispelled yet I don't know what makes them think it will happen now. I'm sad and very confused. I need prayers. It's been a long day so I'm going to bed. I'm physically and emotionally drained. I can't say much more tonight. Tomorrow is a new day.

More pokes

More blood work. I guess that will tell them what's going on. The office will call me back today if I can get it done at noon. I had a little breakdown after I got off the phone. I'm so not happy about all this. Not really sure what we'll do about all this, but it can't be good. So I'm leaving at noon to get this done and then go home. I'm not getting anything done around here anyway.

Then the girl I work with told me her friends sister has had IVF 3 times and she lost her triplets in July and I felt horrible. Here I am all upset over a stupid dnc and this woman lost her triplets. Poor thing....I don't even know her but I want to take away her pain too. All this sucks for every woman who's ever been through it. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

It was positive....what???

So apparently I had to get a negative hpt before I could take the provera. I waited 3-4 hours and then had to go so I peed on a stick one more time...fully expecting it to be negative (I mean lets face it the first time we had s.ex since I was 5 wks pg was this week...that's good 6-7 weeks of no baby making in our household. (I know you're all thinking...poor husband, but he's been really good about it!) So I know it's not a real +....I guess I'm not taking the provera. I'll call first thing in the morning and probably have to do a blood test. I guess I'm a little surprised I didn't have to do one before now. It might have been an oversight by the office or maybe they just don't do it. I don't know.

If anyone has had this happen, any info or opinions are welcomed. I'm not too happy and quite scared. Ok...off to watch the V.P. debates. Praying for something tomorrow...just not sure what yet!

It continues...

The spotting continues...it's been 4 weeks today since the dreaded procedure and I'm still spotting. I had made up my mind that I would wait til the 4 wk mark and then call the dr. I just wanted some reassurance that this was all ok. I left my message with the nurse who said she'd talk to the doctor. She called back and said he wants to put me on provera for 10 days. She said AF should appear 7-10 days after my last pill, but could come sooner. Which basically means that I will be starting my next cycle a lot sooner than I originally thought. I of course am still sad about our past but am very optimistic about our baby making future. After all, we got pregnant the 1st cycle with the RE. At this point I need something to be optimistic about! I feel like I've been all doom and gloom the last few weeks. Everyone says it's understandable and we've been through a lot, but I just can't help but think that this isn't me. I'm usually the happy go lucky one. I'm usually the one that is laughing or smiling all the time. But the last 5 weeks have not been that way. Maybe moving on and starting a new cycle will help me feel better! And it will help me be less worried about it knowing that we will probably be able to get started on this cycle before we go to San Francisco. I was starting to worry about our timing and don't really want to miss a cycle because we're out of town. So hopefully this will help that to not happen.

So now the googling starts...I want to learn something about this drug before I pick it up after work today!

National Infertility Awareness Week

October 19-25 is National Infertility Awareness Week.

Infertility can be a major life crisis. The infertility experience involves many hidden losses for individuals, their loved ones, and society as a whole, including:Loss of the pregnancy and birth experienceLoss of a genetic legacy and loss for future contributing citizens of the next generationLoss of the parenting experienceLoss of a grandparenting relationshipLoss of feelings of self-worthLoss of stability in family and personal relationshipsLoss of work productivityLoss of a sense of spirituality and sense of hope for the future
Because infertility often involves major personal life issues and decisions, it is often experienced as a private matter, and is not ordinarily discussed in public forums. The personal nature of the infertility experience contributes to the failure of society to recognize infertility as a disease thus creating a lack of sound knowledge about infertility.
The Hidden Effects of Infertility on Self-Esteem and Relationships
Infertility has a strong impact on self-esteem. Suddenly your life, which may have been well planned and successful, seems out of control. Not only is the physical body not responding as expected but it feels as if your entire life is on hold. Facing the disappointment of not becoming pregnant month after month can lead to depression. Studies have shown that infertility depression levels can rival those of cancer. - From the RESOLVE website
More than 5 million people in the United States experience infertility. In 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases.
Currently only a handful of states require coverage for infertility treatment.
We need to do our part to spread accurate information. Infertility is a medical condition that requires medical treatment. We need to do our part to lobby for insurance coverage in all states; Write your state and federal representatives. Visit Resolve and see how you can help.

Thanks to AK_Sapphire at Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Pregnancy for the gorgeous button! Please feel free to save the image and post it on your own blog with the link to NIAW 08! Spread the word.