24 hours

We're T minus 24 hours to the appointment. I am so nervous and stressed about it I can hardly function. My stomach hurts, I can't sleep, I'm grouchy. I have been thinking a lot about myself lately and my life. I have a good life. I like my life and most of the people in it. I don't like my job, but we can't like everything right? But I am having a real hard time with deciding if I'm a good person. Apparently such a hard time that I woke myself up last night asking Dean about it. He of course doesn't remember any of it. He's been working so hard the last week and a half. He's so tired! At least he doesn't remember. I don't need my husband thinking his wife is a nut job. Or any more of a nut job than he already knows about. I know I should talk to him about this, but I feel bad putting more stress and pressure on him. He's already so busy. Maybe tonight, we'll see how he feels.

I've been thinking about God a lot this week too. Wondering if I'm being punished because I have never been a religious person. Is my mom sick because I'm a bad person? Can I not get pregnant because I don't go to church on a regular basis? Are there answers to these questions? I read blogs about women who are so in touch with God and their religions. I was not brought up that way, I feel weird at church. Like I don't belong. I haven't tried many, but the one's I've been to are always very strange to me. I'm sure it's like anything, takes time and practice to get to know it. But like the rest of my American countrymen, I want the quick fix. I don't know that going to church is going to change one thing. My mom has been sick for 10 years, I don't think a few Sunday mornings spent in a church is going to change that. I've been wanting a baby for a while now, deciding to call on God once a week isn't going to change that. I don't think anything is going to change these outcomes.

And please, don't for one second think that I think my lack of baby issue is any way on the same level as my mom being sick. Trust me, I would go through life childless if it meant my mom would never have another chemo session, lose her hair again, or get poked and prodded every week. She has been so strong through all of this. She carried our family for 10 years while she was throwing up, losing hair, losing time and she still continues to do so. This is my teacher. Is someone trying to tell me that I am not ready to be a mom? I'm not ready to do what she has done my whole life? I'm not ready to carry a family from now until I die? Maybe not. Maybe that's the problem.

Well, hopefully tomorrow I will at least have some answers and that will help this horrible stomach ache and headache I've had all week. If there is a God out there, please give me the strength and courage to make it through all this.