Feeling some better

Well, I'm feeling some better, but I'm pretty sure that work is mostly the culprit of my feeling crappy. It is just a shitty environment. It's always cold, the people are so wrapped up in themselves and that gets old sometimes. And its SLOW! We aren't getting much business in and you know when you don't have much to do, time crawls by! I was out all day yesterday and I'm basically already caught back up and it's 10am. I will say being gone yesterday was great. I had the morning off, hung out at home, watched tv, cleaned up a bit, messed around on the computer, it was great! I seriously think I could do that everyday! Then I was on the road for work, which isn't my favorite thing to do but at least I'm out of the office. Anyway, so now that I've pretty much narrowed down that it's my job that is making me miserable, what do I do about it? Quit? Not much of an option, I work for my parents...how do you say I hate my job in the business you started and grew? Take more time off? A possibility. There already aren't many people working here so that's not always easy, but part of me doesn't care. Get pregnant and have a baby and have a reason to quit....dingdingding....we have a winner! HAHA! I think I'm hilarious. I am so desperate to have a baby, to start our family, and if it gets me out of this job too, that's just an added bonus! I'm not saying I don't want to work, I don't mind getting up everyday and going somewhere to accomplish something everyday, but I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything here. And maybe it would be better if I had an office with a door that I could shut. If I didn't have to listen to the BS all day maybe it wouldn't bother me. Who knows....I know I'm over sensitive to it all, but I can't really help it.

But the upside to all this is the weekend starts tomorrow and I have a very fun one planned! And testing on Monday...even more to look forward to!!!! So let's just hope today and tomorrow fly by!!!

It must be the prometrium

I'm feeling down today...it must be the prometrium. I have absolutely no reason to feel blue. I have been reading others blogs and it is an inspiration what these other women battle everyday and still move forward. I must say it makes me feel inadequate, like I'm whining for nothing, but then again...to each his own right? At least that is what I'm going to keep telling myself.

I think part of the problem is that work is so dreadfully boring. I don't have much to do which leads to a wandering mind which usually leads to bad things!! I'm disliking my job so much and that makes me want to be a mother even more! I feel like that should be my job now (read this on another blog of a woman who has been through far more than myself and it got me thinking!) I know I should stop thinking about it, stop trying to plan for it but it's hard when I have nothing else to think about. I'm not friends with coworkers, we don't make small talk much anymore. They wouldn't understand what I'm feeling anyway. And I don't really think my coworkers need to know every intimate detail of my life. And I don't want them to anyway. I'm sure they'll be nosey enough if/when I do announce my pregnancy.

Anyway...enough of the pity party for 1. I am thinking of taking the morning off tomorrow and then go do my visits in the afternoon. Maybe a day away from here would be good. It's not like we're busy or that anyone would miss me!!! I'll give it some thought. And on the positive side...a little more than 2 hours of work left! Then home to do laundry and hang out with my kitties!!

Breakthrough

So we had our first break though discussion about children last night. My husband (I love him dearly) does NOT like to talk about the what if's in life. He hates hypothetical, not for real conversations (all of which I love!!). Anyway, I called him on my way home last night and he was at Target picking up something for the Wii. Asked if I needed anything and we continued talking. A few minutes later he says, hey, "all this baby stuff is on sale". At first I thought I mis-heard him..
me: What?
him: yeah, high chairs, car seats, strollers, play stuff is all 30% off. We could be optimistic and get something.
me: so flabbergasted I could hardly answer....this is my husband who barely recognizes we're trying to have a baby! So I start rambling on about pink or blue etc., etc.,
That's the shortened version of how the conversation went. But I was shocked. It makes me want to take him up on it, but I know I would be devastated if we bought something now and then didn't get pregnant for several months. So who knows. I might talk to him again tonight about it...30% is a lot!

Anyway, the work people are driving me crazy today so I'm hoping it goes FAST!!! I'm out half of the day tomorrow for work too, so that'll be nice!! And of course looking forward to Friday to visit with good friends!!!

T minus 7 days

I have made the executive decision (well, Webmd made it for me) that I will be testing on Monday. According to their little calendar (I realize, not totally accurate) that Monday is the ear list effective date for an HPT. So I figure, I'm going to try it. And hope, pray and cross all my fingers, that I get a +. If no positive on Monday I will wait til Friday which will then be 2 days late. That's the goal anyway. And next week should go by fast since it's pretty busy.

So the prometrium has been going pretty well so far. No horrible mental side effects yet! At least not like last month. I did read that taking them orally could cause more side effects, so maybe that's the ticket. If that's what it takes to be "happy" then I'll take it!

And on another note, I have been reading several places that talk about being sad, bitter, etc regarding trouble conceiving. I really had no idea it was so widespread and affected so many people. And I realize that there are tons of people out there who have struggled with this and worse for far longer than I have, but that doesn't mean it isn't real to me. Although at this point we're on cycle 17...that's long enough:-) I don't really know where I'm going with this other than everyone has their own breaking point of frustration, sadness and everything that goes along with TTC. Anyway, I'll step off the soapbox now! Basically I just wanted to give everyone out there the excuse to be sad and bitter no matter what is going on in their life, big or small! Sometimes you just need an excuse (at least I felt that way sometime). The support of the online community is so big. I would have never guessed! I feel I have gotten to know several women through their stories and it has been such a blessing to me! I hope they can get the same blessing from the random musings here as well. I know the Nest is full of support even though I don't frequent it very much anymore. I'm just glad it exists for others! Ok, enough of this babble!!! I think I've said enough:-)

Happy Monday!

Who would have thought....medical science

Who would have thought it would take medical science to have a baby. I really thought we'd have s.e.x and get pregnant like everyone else. But after the m/c and several months thereafter, I began to realize, not the case for us. When we first went to my OB about it and started the Clomid, I felt relief. Maybe this isn't my fault, maybe there's a deeper issue. So I calmed down. Didn't feel the need to test at the end of every cycle. It was a nice feeling of calm. And at this point, I miss it. This cycle, I'm back up to anxious. No more calm, waiting out the cycle, any of that. After talking to the Dr. about th Clomid not really working, it makes me nervous and if we don't get a + this time around, they're upping the dose. Not that I've had any symptoms on it yet, but another 50mg is a big deal...it could bring me all the symptoms. I know I shouldn't worry about it now, but I can't help it. I just want to know. If anything this whole process has taught me is patience. There's a lot of waiting involved in having a baby or making a baby for that matter.
On another note, the prometrium....I HATE it. I hate the idea of administering it (I'm taking it vaginally this time). It makes me sick just to think about it. I know what you're all thinking, I'm a grown, almost 30 year old woman, grow up. I'm trying, I swear. I've only done it twice so I'm hoping it gets better. But then this morning I woke up with the WORST cramping sensation ever. I get it now and again, always in the morning, and it feels mostly like gas. But it's very painful. I usually try to go back to sleep and it goes away, but I always feel a little tender for a while. Anyway, this morning was bad. I just laid there and moaned...poor Dean thinks I'm dying! But after an extra hour and a half of sleep I'm feeling much better!! Let's just hope we don't do this again!! (Any tips on the administering of prometrium will be greatly appreciated). Oh, and yes, I'd better get over this because in the next cycle or two I may have to give myself shots everyday....I know, I'd better grow up!!
Today I'm going to my grandmas house to help my brother clean it out. She passed away last December and we're working on getting it on the market. My dad has been dragging his feet because it's the house he grew up in, has all his memories, etc, etc. I do feel bad for him, that has to be hard, but he knew it was coming at some point and the house is costing us $$ at this point. I don't know how hard it will be to sell (in this market probably down right impossible!) but hopefully if we get it on the market at least it'll get some looks! The house is a mess, so today will be a big job!
And last but not least, my mom. She went to her appointment on Thursday to get the results of the brain MRI and talk to Dr. L about the plan. The brain MRI came out good (thank God!) no brain METS. Which when you're a cancer patient is always good news. But the Dr. wants her to try to get into the study in Detroit at Karmanos (not sure if I'm spelling that right). But to get in she has to take and fail this other drug Tykurb (again with the spelling). T has been known to cause major GI and intestinal issues. It's chemo in a pill form so she'll have to take it for a few weeks and see how she reacts. It's going to be very hard to take a pill that she knows is going to make her sick! But she isn't going to tolerate it too long before giving up. Dr. L so much as told her to fail it anyway. And then she has an appointment in Detroit in a few weeks to talk to the study Dr. She's not thrilled with the idea of driving over there, it's not far, but more of a pain in the rear than anything else. But she has a lot of friends and family that will help drive with her if and when she needs it. So overall it's not bad news, but not really the news she wanted either. So I guess now we wait to see what the study Dr. has to say (again with the waiting!!)

It's only CD 16???

Yikes, it's going to be long 2ww. I have already been chomping at the bit this time around. The last several months I didn't even take a test! Well, at least I have some act ivies to keep me busy the next few days. Not as many as I'd like, but enough. Golfing tonight, cleaning out my grandmas on Saturday, and next weekend...super busy! So I'm going to try to keep focused on that rather than testing. I start the prometrium today. I'm quite nervous about it. Not sure how I'll respond (albeit I haven't had any symptoms from ANYTHING yet, this will be the time I do). I haven't taken the drug vaginally and I'm upping my dose to 200mg. So I will just have to be aware of how I'm feeling I guess. I'm going to try to focus on good things...that's the goal!!

Today is my moms doctor appointment. I feel so bad for her. She's very upset (not like her at all) about all this. I think she's just worried, but it still sucks for her to have to worry. And of course my dad, the typical male, is the worst at dealing with this kind of stuff. He acts like it's only happening to him and that no one takes his feelings into consideration...uh, sorry...your feelings don't matter right now! He totally doesn't get it. Which is frustrating to me and my mom! So anyway, I'm hoping for the best for her!!

Catching up

Here's a post for catching up. Who would have thought I could miss so much in just a couple of days....I'll break them out by subject:

NYC:

AWESOME!!! We had a great time. The weather was good, really hot, but good. It didn't rain. We both decided it would not have been fun in the cold or rain. So the short version is, Thursday we got to JFK around noon, got to the hotel around 2. Met a friend from years ago at the Wicked theater to try our luck at the lottery (we didn't win) and then went to dinner. It was great to catch up with him. He has been living in NY since we graduated from college. He works in a law firm but does theater on the side, so it was fun to get his point of view of the city and everything that goes on there. Friday we had a walking tour of lower Manhattan (downtown, ground zero, Wall St.). It was a 3 hour tour but very informative and nice. Even though it was hot, it didn't feel too bad. Then we wandered through Battery Park near the Statue of liberty, then back to the hotel to lay down for a while before our dinner reservations at 5:30. We ate at The View in the Marriott. It was high above the city and spun around so we could see all directions throughout the meal. Our tickets for the Lion King were for the 8pm show. It was so good!!! I loved the costumes, loved the music, loved everything except the kids sitting in front of us. I realize the play is based on a cartoon, but I don't think Broadway is anyplace to bring small children. Saturday we did a bus tour most of the day. It was hop on, hop off tour for all areas of Manhattan and Brooklyn including 1 at night. So we did uptown, downtown and the night tour. We didn't get off the bus much b/c it was 96* most of the day! But we did get to go on a boat to go out and look at the statue of liberty. So we did that all day and then the night tour...it was a long day. Then Sunday we got up, got breakfast at a little deli and then off to the airport. It was fast trip, but so fun.

Baby:

On the baby front (which I am pleased to say I didn't think much about while we were gone) the Clomid isn't working. Apparently I don't respond to these types of drugs and they aren't producing very many follicles. I did have 1 that was of decent size, so we went ahead with the ovidrel shot and will do the progesterone starting Thursday. I'm nervous about that after all the horrible thoughts I had on it before. So I'm going to be mindful of it and try to stop them before they start. But we have a very busy 2 weeks so hopefully it'll just fly by. I'm sort of bummed because there's really no way we can have twins (the other follicles were very small) but on the other hand, I just want one, healthy baby. We saw the other dr in the practice yesterday and he was also very nice. Very personable. Which is always nice. So anyway...today is CD 14, I'm not sure when I'll test, but probably CD 28 or after, if I can wait that long! I don't have very high hopes for this cycle. But the dr said that because the Clomid didn't do much more on 100mg, he gave me a prescription for 150mg for next time. And I assume if that doesn't work I'll move onto daily FSH shots. That is the one nice thing about the RE, they don't waste any time!! And the ultrasound was WAY cheaper than the one at the hospital. So that's nice too. So anyway, I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

My grandma:

She's doing very well. In a skilled nursing center and in physical therapy. She's been walking with a walker and doing well, but can't go too far. They're going to evaluate her on Aug. 4th to see about coming home b/c that will have been 1 month. I'm just glad she's doing ok and happy where she's at.

And last...

My mom:

So my mom had her 3 month MUGA scan and bone scan last Monday and her appointment with Dr. L on Weds before Chemo to go over the scans. Of course the scans were ready yet so she went ahead with Chemo and then read them after. Well apparently her spots are growing (after only 3 months on Abraxane) so Dr. L doesn't want her doing that drug anymore (basically a waste of a chemo session this last time). There's 1 drug she can do at the Cancer Center here in Kalamazoo but the other option is a test study being done in Detroit. Dr. L is going to call the dr over there to discuss my mom with her and decide if that is a better fit. Basically it sucks that her spots are growing, it sucks that there's not another drug for her to take right away, it sucks that she has been going through this for 10+ years, it sucks that she just lost one of her very good friends to the same disease. She was VERY upset about all the turn of events. She's been so lucky to always have another drug to take and another option, but this time it's different. She meets with Dr. L on Thursday to discuss further options. She has an appointment on Aug. 13th in Detroit for the study. This makes me feel so sad for her. I want her to be healthy again, I want her to be healthy for her grand children and herself. I will be hoping and praying for her and if you have any extra prayers, please say one for her too. I don't know what to pray for, she'll never be rid of the cancer, but maybe there's a treatment out there that won't make her lose her hair or make her liver enzymes go wack or make her so sick she can't get out of bed!

So there you have it....the last 6 days in a nutshell....sorry this is so long, but hopefully I won't have much to post in the next few weeks!

Exciting day!

One more day til NYC and one more day til our 4th wedding anniversary!! WAHOO...now if I could just get out of work:-) No other updates for now...I'll post some pics on Monday of the trip!

3 More Days

Three more days til NYC!!! I'm so excited to get away. And especially excited to get away with my husband. It's been a very busy summer for him and I feel like we haven't had a lot of time to just be together without having to worry about babies, work, friends, family, the house all that. It will be nice to just be! And what better place to "just be" than NYC?

Anyway, the drama of the weekend...Dean has been having some issues with work peeps. The MIL of his boss is a PITA! Always doing things the way she wants, not listening to others or following directions. Anyway, he was talking to the bosses wife (also a PITA, but not as bad) and during the conversation it came up that one of the girls is the "favored employee" and that it was going around that she and Dean were a "couple". She wouldn't tell him where she heard that from but did say it was not from another employee. I imagine it was from her daughter who is a PITA in training. She's 24 and a spoiled brat. She's probably just trying to cause trouble. Anyway, Dean was pissed about it and I was too. Not something you tell a woman hopped up on hormone pills!! He was just glad he heard it and could tell me before I heard it somewhere else. I probably would have gone off the deep end! Poor guy. But I know my husband and the girl and there's NO WAY it's even a possibility. My husband would not jeopardize his career and coaching position (b/c she was on his golf team last year) for this. Plus as he put it, he could be her father!!! She's only 21 or 22! I thought that part was pretty funny. Anyway, I made him email her back and tell her again that the whole thing was ludicrous and he hoped she wasn't spreading that around. It's not good for anyone involved. Anyway, I'm a little upset about it, but not mad at Dean, just frustrated with the situation.

Anyway, this week is filling up with fun stuff, the U/S will be here before I know it and then hopefully +++ tests! Wahoo! I haven't posted pics on here before, so hopefully I'll have some after the trip!

Talents

So I read this website that has given me some inspiration:

But the one who had received the one talent went off and dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money. (Matthew 25:18 NRSV Bible)
All of us have what we need to succeed in life. In the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon, Calvin says to Hobbes, "If you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?" Hobbes starts thinking, and Calvin says, "Anything at all! What ever you want!" Hobbes finally says, "A sandwich." Calvin yells, "A sandwich? What kind of stupid wish is that? Talk about a failure of imagination! I'd ask for a trillion billion dollars, my own space shuttle, and a private continent!" The last frame of the cartoon shows Hobbes eating a sandwich while he says, "I got my wish."
Have you ever wanted some ability that someone else had? We often do that, but it is not necessary. Maybe we are just like the worker who received only one talent. The servant with one talent didn't have as much as the servant with five talents, but he had all he needed. If he had not buried his talent in the ground, he could have done great things with it.
All of us are gifted. All of us have what we need to succeed. God has created us differently so that different tasks will get done in this world. And all of us have a place where we fit in.

I need to keep reminding myself that although this journey to parenthood has not been easy for our family, we have other talents that drew us together in the first place. I need to remember the one talent I may have that I can do great things with...and someday I will be able to add being a mother to that list of talents and do great things with that. One step at a time, one talent at a time. My talent for now will be to be a good wife and good friend.

Relief....for now

The RE appointment went well. I was beyond nervous and very apprehensive all morning. Not sure how it was going to go, what we'd need to know, do, talk about etc. I should have known, the office works with people who are going through a hard time so of course they're nice! The Dr. had a wonderful personality, he was funny, had a good bedside manner and explained everything very well (my guess is that's for the husband, because the women usually do quite a bit of research before all this starts). So that really helped Dean understand the whole process. He's very visually oriented and needs to know details about everything before he understands and accepts it.

So, the plan of attack: 100mg of Clomid day 3-7 (which is 50mg higher than before), U/S on day 14 (Monday July 21st) to check follicles, Ovidrel shot on CD 14 which promotes stronger ovulation, then progesterone supplements administered vaginally CD 17 on. The Dr. said the higher dose of Clomid should promote more and stronger follicles. My problem so far (from what he could tell from my ultrasounds, previous blood work, and miscarriage) is that I ovulate too late (which I knew) and therefore my follicles don't get a chance to grow big enough to release a good size, viable egg. He then said the shot of Ovidrel which is administered as a sub-cutaneous shot given by the nurse or your husband (Dean about died at that comment). Then the progesterone (which is the same drug as I'm taking now) will be administered vaginally because it is absorbed in the tissue which needs it most, not the blood stream which is where it's absorbed when taken orally. So I need to figure out how to put 2 pills up there everyday...but I'll make it work:-) So the good news is, I started full on flow yesterday which means today is CD 2 and I can start all this tomorrow. I was expecting to have to sit this one out due to timing. I figured he'd want to do testing and blood work and all that, but he doesn't. He wants to try this a few times and see what happens. If this doesn't work he will increase the dose of Clomid. If that doesn't work he will move on to shots of FSH everyday which increases risk and the possibility of multiples. Dean perked up at the thought of that. He wants twins so badly. I think so that we don't have to go through all this again. And I know that it would be harder, but honestly, I don't know if I can go through all this again. I guess we'll see when/if we actually get pregnant. I'm sure seeing that beautiful baby will be all worth this effort.

So, that's the plan. I am very excited about this and very anxious. It's really too bad a cycle lasts a whole month...that's a long time to wait. I am a little nervous about upping the clomid dose. I haven't had any side effects to speak of so far and I'd like to keep it that way. I guess we'll see in a few days.

I also want to take a second to thank my good friends who have stood by me these last few months and listened to me whine about all this and supported me no matter what. You mean the world to me! I can't think of my life without you and hope I can repay you with the same level of kindness when you need it!!

24 hours

We're T minus 24 hours to the appointment. I am so nervous and stressed about it I can hardly function. My stomach hurts, I can't sleep, I'm grouchy. I have been thinking a lot about myself lately and my life. I have a good life. I like my life and most of the people in it. I don't like my job, but we can't like everything right? But I am having a real hard time with deciding if I'm a good person. Apparently such a hard time that I woke myself up last night asking Dean about it. He of course doesn't remember any of it. He's been working so hard the last week and a half. He's so tired! At least he doesn't remember. I don't need my husband thinking his wife is a nut job. Or any more of a nut job than he already knows about. I know I should talk to him about this, but I feel bad putting more stress and pressure on him. He's already so busy. Maybe tonight, we'll see how he feels.

I've been thinking about God a lot this week too. Wondering if I'm being punished because I have never been a religious person. Is my mom sick because I'm a bad person? Can I not get pregnant because I don't go to church on a regular basis? Are there answers to these questions? I read blogs about women who are so in touch with God and their religions. I was not brought up that way, I feel weird at church. Like I don't belong. I haven't tried many, but the one's I've been to are always very strange to me. I'm sure it's like anything, takes time and practice to get to know it. But like the rest of my American countrymen, I want the quick fix. I don't know that going to church is going to change one thing. My mom has been sick for 10 years, I don't think a few Sunday mornings spent in a church is going to change that. I've been wanting a baby for a while now, deciding to call on God once a week isn't going to change that. I don't think anything is going to change these outcomes.

And please, don't for one second think that I think my lack of baby issue is any way on the same level as my mom being sick. Trust me, I would go through life childless if it meant my mom would never have another chemo session, lose her hair again, or get poked and prodded every week. She has been so strong through all of this. She carried our family for 10 years while she was throwing up, losing hair, losing time and she still continues to do so. This is my teacher. Is someone trying to tell me that I am not ready to be a mom? I'm not ready to do what she has done my whole life? I'm not ready to carry a family from now until I die? Maybe not. Maybe that's the problem.

Well, hopefully tomorrow I will at least have some answers and that will help this horrible stomach ache and headache I've had all week. If there is a God out there, please give me the strength and courage to make it through all this.

A new day

Am I a good person? Do I do everything in my power to be a good person? I'm starting to feel that I don't. What do I need to change to make myself better? How do I start to feel happier? Is having a baby really the answer? Is moving to Florida really the answer? I'm starting to feel like I'm letting myself down. I've never been a religious person, but do I try some churches? Why are these answers so hard to come by? Why am I having such a hard time right now? I have always been a happy go lucky person. Make the best out the situation person. Why now does it seem like all my situations are bad? Am I making them that way or are they really bad? I am excited to start this next step in our baby process, but part of me wonders do I need to figure more out about myself and why I have changed so much in the last several months? Has my life really changed all that much to make me a completely different person? I guess I have some thinking to do in the next few days.

Cycle Day 1

Well, AF is here.  That makes Thursday day 5 meaning this month is probably a bust.  I don't know much about the RE but I'm pretty sure they'll need to do CD 3 blood work, so maybe this will be a 'try on your own' month.  We'll see though.  I am working on a list of questions. I don't even know what to ask, but I'm guessing since they do this all the time they know what goes on at these appointments.  I was sort of hoping we could do something this cycle, but oh well.  In the grand scheme of things, one more month isn't that big of deal (I have to keep telling myself that). I'm just hoping I can make it to Thursday without going nuts...I'll be so excited by then.  I'm starting to regret not having a very good month this last cycle, but oh well...nothing I can do about it now.  

I talked to my grandma today. She was doing ok.  She was pretty out of it from the pain meds so it was hard to talk to her for long. She said she wasn't in as much pain but she was pretty upset about what had happened.  She said the next holiday she's staying at home and not coming out.  She got pretty sick at Christmas and Easter, so she thinks holidays are bad for her health!  I felt so bad for her.  She is going to a rehab center tomorrow.  We won't know how long she's going to stay there for a while.  She could stay there til she's all better which could be weeks or it could be months.  The only thing they do know is no surgery.  Which for an 85 yr old woman is a good thing!  So I guess we'll just wait and see and hope for the best! 

I'm sorry this long weekend is over.  It was so fun and relaxing and wonderful to not have to go to work or even really think about it.  I have had the opportunity to think about not working at my job recently.  My husband got an email job notification from the PGA about a job down in Port St. Lucie, FL.  It is his dream job.  Teaching and running the PGA teaching center there.  He would love it and the pay would be A  LOT more than what we make now.  I told him he had to apply, even if only for the experience.  It would be crazy to up and move after being in our house for less than 2 years, but it would be feasible.  I think he's nervous about it because it would be a HUGE decision.  I don't know when he'd find out about it, the deadline to apply is tomorrow.  Part of me would love the opportunity to get away and start over, but part of me would be so sad to leave my friends and family.  No use worrying about it yet...nothing to worry about yet.  

So now you know all the things I'll be worrying and thinking about this week.  Please don't give me anymore!!  I don't know how much more I can handle!   

Independence Day

The day after independence day.  I could get used to having 4 day weekends.  It's great knowing I still have tomorrow off too.  Holidays like this make me want a baby more than regular days I think.   Everything is so family oriented, get togethers, bbq's, fun activities that I can't wait to share with my children.  

I got word this morning that my grandma fell last night walking down some stairs.  She fell onto a stone/tile floor and fractured her pelvis in 2 places.   My aunt spent most of the evening in the ER with her and they kept her overnight so she could be seen by an orthopedic dr this morning.  She is very upset about it and doesn't want anyone to know yet.  I'm nervous for her, she's 85 and has osteoporosis.  She's already not very stable on her feet.  The ER doc thought she would just need PT and not surgery.  We are really hoping for no surgery.  She's healthy, but any elderly person is at higher risk for surgery.  I guess we'll just have to wait to hear from my aunt.  If need be, I will go out there to help take care of her.  She lives in assisted living and my aunt lives near by, but if she's that immobile,  she may need extra help.  My mom would probably go first, but I offered just in case.   And maybe she won't need any extra help.  I'm just praying that she can recover quickly and fully.

I feel like this is the icing on the cake right now.  I am already not feeling like myself, sad and lethargic.  I have no motivation to do much of anything, clean, go to the gym, cook, anything.  I keep thinking things will get better, but so far I'm not feeling it.  And this news about my grandma isn't helping.  She's my last grandparent I have left. I'm not ready to be without her, even though she lives an entire country away.  I was so hoping this weekend would be the turn around in my attitude...guess not.  Maybe next week.  

1 week to go

One week from our first RE appointment. I'm starting to get excited but nervous at the same time. I'm worried about Dean and how he'll take all of it. He's been really busy with work and he lets himself get stressed out pretty easily with all this stuff. I don't want to stress him out more, but I want him to be excited about all this. I guess you could say I'm having mixed emotions.

Well, today is a much appreciated extra day off from work. We got today and tomorrow off for the holiday weekend. I had great plans of getting the carpets cleaned this morning and then going to my parents to help my mom this afternoon. Well, apparently with the huge storms we got last night, the carpet people are backed up and still aren't here at 3pm. They called to see about rescheduling, but I'm already off work and I don't want to take a day off to do this next week. And all our stuff is moved off the carpets. I'm not living with my stuff everywhere for another week. One day is bad enough. I understand it was an emergency, there's flooding and all that, but it seems like they could have done it a different way. Oh well, nothing I can do about it now.

We are hopefully going to the Balloon illume tonight at the balloon festival. We've never been and it sounds like fun to me. The hot air balloons launch just before dusk and then float around blowing the torches in the dark. I don't know if we'll brave the crowds for fire works so this might be the best option for us. I hope everyone out there has a happy and safe 4th of July weekend!

"Friday"

Today is my Friday...we're off work tomorrow and Friday for the holiday weekend. I'm very excited to be away from work and away from co-workers. I work in a small office so this time away is much needed! Too bad the worst offender emails and facebooks me while I'm at home. Sort of annoying.
On the baby front, one week and 1 day til our appointment. I'm starting to get excited. I want to do some research online this weekend for important questions to ask and information about the consult appointment. Just so I don't go in blind!
I was hoping to hold off the spotting til next week, closer to the appointment. I just feel like if I'm at the beginning of my cycle it'll be easier for testing and all that. But this morning I had the smallest amount of pink on the tp. Nothing since. So I'm hoping it was a fluke and that AF will hold off another couple of days. I mean that's the least my body could do for me right??
Anyway, I hope everyone has a safe and happy 4th of July!