What time is it?

Who knew the time difference between Michigan and California could screw with a person this much.  Ugh, we hardly slept last night. The cats were too excited to see us and therefore kept up us up a lot of the night.  And tonight I feel exhausted. I need to finish getting ready for the week so I can be in bed on time.  

I'm starting to be nervous about going to the RE's office tomorrow.  I haven't been since our follow up appointment back in the beginning of September.  We won't see our dr, he's there on Thursdays.  Which is fine, the dr doesn't really tell us much during these ultrasounds.  And I'm still not too hopeful that there will even be any decent size follicles.  

Ok, enough of this pitiful post.  We'll see what the magic wand sees tomorrow! 

Home

We're finally heading home today. I'm more than ready.  We've had a nice trip, but I can tell you I have discovered I will never have a dog.  These two are obnoxious.  I'm sure if we had our own they'd be trained to our schedule, but still.  We'll stick to cats for now.  

The ultrasound is Monday which still feels days away.  I'm sure it'll be here quick.  Dean got sick on Thursday so (selfishly) I hope he's better by Monday and that he doesn't give it to me.  Don't want to waste a cycle:-)  But if we have to we have to.  I guess we'll see.  I don't really think it's going to work (not real optimistic).  It'll be a long 2 weeks!!  

Well, better get showered and ready for the long trip home!  

Happy Thanksgiving

We sure do have a lot to be thankful for.  I had temporarily forgotten that this morning when i had a small bout of homesickness.  It felt very empty around here in a strange house with just me and my husband.  But once I started getting ready and my grandma came over and we had another friend too, it was fun.  We had a nice dinner and watched some football.  Overall it was a good day and I'm exhausted.  

Wine tasting

Today was super fun! We went wine tasting in Napa.  This will probably be a short update, but we got to SF Saturday at 4 (a whole 30 minutes early....yay southwest!!)  It was a long flight but uneventful. The best kind.  We rented a car and drove into the city to see a friend. Had dinner and then headed out to my aunt/families house.  Got here around 9 and were exhausted.  We chatted for a bit and then went straight to bed.  Sunday we saw my grandma and then met my aunt and cousin at the BART to go back into the city to shop.  It was super fun and really busy.   We have horrible shopping at home so it's great to shop in a 4 story Nord.strom.  We bought a small Christmas present for a friend, but nothing else.  I lost the charm off my Tiffany bracelet so I lost interest real quick.  I am so disappointed, but I guess I knew it would happen eventually.  So bummed.  We came home and had dinner with grandma and everyone.  Today we went to Napa to do some wine tasting and have lunch.  It was a nice drive and beautiful scenery and the wine was good too!  Now we're just hanging out at home.  Not sure what we'll do the next few days, but Thanksgiving will be low key and hopefully not a lot of work!    And then we go home Saturday.  Seems like a long time away, but it'll be here quick!!  Overall it'll be a great trip!

Schedule

No HSG this cycle...which is fine by me. So I start the Clomid tomorrow and have our follie check on Dec 1st. I realize this is right after I am gone for a week from work, but oh well. It'll only take a half hour or so. Which means I could be taking a pee test on the 15th or 16th of Dec. Yikes, that doesn't seem that far away!

SF is in 3 days...I'm getting excited. I'm hoping for no side effects from the drugs (I've been lucky to have not had any up to now) so I can enjoy my trip. And then when we get back there will be no more waiting for the u/s. I have a feeling this is going to be a long cycle since I'm not used to waiting like this. I guess we'll see and I'll keep my fingers crossed.

She's back

**update**
I'm a freak...I already checked what my edd would be if (that's a big IF we got pregnant this cycle). I'm not hopeful, but I am a freak!

Well...I think AF is here for real now. I have had tremendous cramps all afternoon yesterday and bright red flow last night and today (although it's tapering off some). So for all intense and purposes I'm counting today as CD 1. This is all well and good EXCEPT the HSG is to be done CD 5-9 and I will be in CA those days. My REs office is closed today so I'm going to monitor the rest of today and tonight and call tomorrow to see if I can maybe do it CD 3 on Friday (not what I want to be doing before I have to get ready to travel, but oh well). And if nothing else get my ultrasound scheduled. So there's a small chance I could be pregnant by Christmas. Not banking on it, but maybe.

Wahoo for AF....I never thought I'd be this happy to see her!

Lyrics

You know how sometimes lyrics to a song hit you just the right way....

Well since my dear husband let me borrow the new Nickle.back album (which by the way is GREAT!!!) The chorus of the current release just reminds me of my feelings about having a baby and also rings true to some of the blogs I read. Everyone wants someone to care, everyone wants to know there's something else out there for them. And I know this song is not about having babies to the singer, but to me...that exactly what it means. And to all you out there who feel like you're alone...you're not...We can all be in this together!

`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.

'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.

Someone to love with my life in their hands.

There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own

And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.

Somebody else that feels the same somewhere.

There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Well, the camera is officially broken. Now to decide if I should just buy a new one or try the refurbished route. The S.ony website sells some refurbished ones at a discounted price. But I'm not sure I really want to buy someone else's problems. I don't know. I know this is stupid and I shouldn't be so worried about it, but for some reason it's driving me crazy. I am pretty sure it kept me awake most of last night. I just feel so guilty. I HATE this feeling. And my husband is so sweet. He keeps telling me it's ok and has run all over town getting people to look at it. And even today at lunch he let me take the new Nickle.back cd he has been waiting so patiently for before he could go home and burn it. I know I am lucky to be able to call him my husband. I think that's part of my problem. I know what a wonderful person he is and I don't feel like I've been that wonderful lately.

On another note...4 days left til San Fran. I'm starting to get more and more excited for the trip. I know it will be here and then be gone before I know it. I will do my best to enjoy every second with my grandma. I have a few friends who have lost or are losing grandparents right now, so it's helping me remember that I need to enjoy these visits. Even if I don't have fun baby news to share or things to go shopping for, I can still just enjoy our time together. So that is exactly what we'll do!

New Look

So I changed the look again...and I love it....I love pink! (I'm thinking it will help change my mood!!)

Since I wrote earlier today I can't stop thinking about what should have been, what could have been. I need to get these thoughts out of my head. They are all compounding and that can't be good. I broke my camera over the weekend by dropping it and that is making me feel worse. Isn't it funny how one little thing seems to toss you right over the edge? It's a stupid $200 camera and I'm a mess about it. I'm sure it's something a little more than that, but for right now, the camera is what's causing the mental breakdown. I feel guilty because we shouldn't be spending the money on a new camera, then I feel bad because we shouldn't even have money problems in the first place. I should have been able to just get pregnant like everyone else. Not have to pay thousands of dollars. Oh this vicious cycle....please stop...please. All because of a stupid camera and a stupid accident.

Time for bed. Sleep is the one thing that can make things better.

5 days til VACATION!

Well, we leave for San Fran in 5 days. I'm very excited, but for the first time in a long time, I'm thinking back on the pregnancy and playing the 'what if' game. I haven't paid much attention to the time frame of things, but I would probably be finding out if we were having a boy or girl this week. At least when we found out about the pregnancy, I was hoping we would know by now. I was so excited to be going to visit my aunt and grandma and knowing what we were having. Being able to share that with them, going shopping and just talking about it. Now, what am I going to talk about? The fact that my body doesn't work right? The fact that I can't seem to get through this stupid m/c stuff and start a new cycle? Ugh....frustrating for sure. And of course I fall back into feeling guilty. Guilt is a tough emotion. We all know we shouldn't have it, but there it is...following us around. There are so many people out there dealing with things far worse than this! Death, illness, sadness, loneliness. All things I have dealt with in the past, but right now, what I'm going through is nothing compared to these. I'm just trying to remind myself of that.
Although despite this small setback, I feel like I've been doing well. I don't feel as sad and bitter about our situation. I feel oddly at peace. Now when the next cycle starts again, I am sure all those feelings will come flooding back, but for now, I'm going to try to enjoy myself! And keep the countdown going....5 more days til vacation!!!

Lying

Why is it that people have to lie? I work with a woman who lies to my face all the time. And usually it's stupid. Today for example....stupid. I was gone yesterday. And we have an unspoken rule that when one is out the other helps out with their emails. I did for 3 days while she was out sick (again). Meaning I was doing the job of 2 people basically. No, not fun, but it makes it easier on the person coming back. So I come back to day and NOTHING is done. Now I know this makes me sound like a selfish bitch, but it's frustrating. So then she tells me it was insanely busy and she didn't even think about my stuff until "4:39"....really? You looked at the clock at 4:39 and thought about it? And then remembered to tell me that exact time? No you didn't. Well, our IT guy set it up while I was out one day so we could check each others emails without forwarding or turning the others computer on. And she told me today that she didn't want to do that to mine without asking me. So I checked and yep, it's already set up. It was that way when she did it a few weeks ago. And now she's over there talking on the phone to her family and friends. I swear to God I will sit here doing nothing before I help her with her stuff. I know I'm being petty and stupid, I just do not like being lied to. Especially when it's right to my face. And considering I've gotten all of 3 emails today and 1 phone call....I HIGHLY doubt it was all that busy yesterday. Needless to say I am counting down the hours to 4:00 today to get the HELL out of here!
But the weekend will be a fun one...so looking forward to that!

Thursday

Another blood draw today. I took the day off work but ended up getting up at the same time I usually do...thank you kitty cat. Apparently he has an alarm in his head and he knows when it's 5:40...ugh. So I got up and did my daily routine at the gym and headed to the lab. But the good part is I got to come home after...NOT go to work! Anyway, the office finally called and said that my numbers were finally at 5. The magic number. I asked about the provera and she wanted to double check with the dr but thought that he'd probably have me just take it. Well...apparently not. He wants me to wait 14 days and if no AF then start taking it. I know...in the grand scheme of things 14 days is nothing. But it's still frustrating. I guess the only good thing is I'll be headed to CA in a little over a week and that will help time fly by! And we all know December comes and goes in a flash. Although with all this waiting I can't help but think that our two year TTC anniversary is too close for comfort. And at the rate we're going I am not thinking a 2009 baby is in our future. But we'll see. I've been wrong before, and I hope I'm wrong about this. I feel like I've been calm about all this waiting, but it is really starting to get to me. I know that something as good as parenthood is worth the wait...I just have to keep reminding myself of that. And while I wait, it's ok to be frustrated, jealous, sad and mad. But it's ok to be happy too. So, bottom line, I'm learning to take the good days with the bad. Today was a good day. I can only hope tomorrow is too.
So...now we wait!

It's baaaaack....

Yep, the spotting is back. I'm hoping AF is soon to follow. But after counting out the days in the shower this morning, I have a feeling this cycle will be a bust. I will most definitely be in San Fran during ultrasound time. Which could mean I'll be in Florida for the next cycle...blech. Oh well. Nothing I can do about it now. I guess at least I can get the HSG done.

Well...better get to work. I've spent the last 20 minutes screwing around on the Internet....gotta love procrastination!

Monday Monday

Doesn't it seem like Mondays come WAY faster than Fridays? I think so...this last weekend went by so fast!! Granted we were gone all day Saturday to the WMU game at F.ord field. It was really fun. I have seen the stadium, but never been inside. We both had a good time. We had dinner with my brother who lives over there. His wife had to study, so we didn't see her. Then we stopped at I.kea on the way home. Have you ever been to this monstrosity of a store? Goodness...it's huge!! We had no idea what we were getting into. So we wandered around, bought a few small things and then got on our way home. It was nice to spend some time with my husband. I think he enjoyed it too.
Sunday I did laundry for my mom and cleaned my house. Pretty uneventful. This week will be about the same. Uneventful. Nothing too fun going on. I plan on taking a day off Thursday or Friday to help my mom get her house ready for a pre-holiday Holiday party at her house. Which we were invited to on Saturday. Sunday we are having Dean's golf team over for a banquet dinner. What do you feed 10 college girls when one is a vegetarian and one is a vegan??? Especially when I am not anywhere near EITHER of these. The vegetarian shouldn't be too hard...that I can probably handle. But they've had issues with the other girl. She likes to make a big deal out of what she can and cannot eat. Makes it hard for the others. Oh well. I plan to have salad, if nothing else, she can eat that.
And of course there's the dreaded blood draw on Thursday. Which I just realized might throw a kink into my day off:-( boo. Oh well, I'll figure it out.
I'm hoping for a good week. So far (other than it being cold and November-y outside) it's going ok. And yes, November-y is a new word!!

TGIF

I'm so glad it's finally Friday. This week actually went fast for me, which is a new thing! Just glad it's the weekend! And the crazy one at work is gone:-) even better!

I had the weekly blood draw again yesterday. The levels are still at 8 so I have to go back...AGAIN...next Thursday. I swear, it better be gone by then. I called the nurse back to voice my concerns and frustrations and she basically said that she knows it's been a long time, but sometimes it takes this long. Seriously? Over 2 months? Seriously? I had a moment and now I'm better. Not happy about it, but better. I mean really, what can I do? So we wait. Again.

We might (big emphasis on might) go to F.ord Field tomorrow to the WMU game which would be fun. We don't have tickets yet, so we might not. But it was an option. It would be fun to get out and actually do something! We'll see. Other that it should be a pretty low key weekend.

Operation "Be Happy"

So in my endless search for happiness, I decided Monday to just be happy. Yeah, that lasted all of 2 days. After a day of internal plumbing issues and severe stomach pain, I woke up to a bloody nose and the onset of a cold. All this on top of the constant political discussion from yesterdays election. I realize that we all didn't get what we wanted, but I guess that's life. The most we can do now is hope and pray that our president elect can handle all the problems he is taking on. It's a tough job for anyone to tackle. Our local elections were more of a concern for me. Not that the president isn't a big deal, but our local elections set the groundwork for higher up political workings. I would have liked to have seen things a little differently. Oh well...it's over now and I haven't heard a single "this was approved by" or "vote for me" or any other political commercial...thank gosh!
I'm going in for yet another blood draw tomorrow. I am really hoping my levels are finally at 0. I can hope right?? I promise not to be too upset when they're not though. The spotting stopped 2 weeks ago, so I'm debating what to do next. Do I take the provera even though it could take 20 days or more to work? Do I just wait it out and hope that AF comes 4 weeks after I stopped spotting (which would be in about 2 weeks)? Has anyone out there taken provera? Did you have good luck with it? Did you start a cycle right away? Or did it take a while? I plan to ask the nurse this as well, but I doubt she'll be much help. You know how they are....always telling you everyone is different, it responds differently each time, etc, etc. So we'll see. I still have a very small window of hope to start AF today or tomorrow (probably not happening) but I can still have hope right?
My other dilemma is whether or not to go with my mom tomorrow to Detroit for her blood draw. I've been wanting to go, just to see the place. And I'd like to spend sometime with her and maybe even see my brother and SIL while I'm there. But I don't know about being gone.
Ok...back to work:-)

Thankful

After the pathetic post yesterday, I felt guilty. A horrible feeling. It sneaks up on you and won't go away. So instead of feeling guilty for feeling sad, I am forcing myself to think about other things....so today I'm making a list of things I'm thankful for.

Friends, family, husband, Kitty cats, food, financial stability, a home full of love, beautiful sunshine outside, and the choice to be happy.

I'm making a concerted effort to be happy. I know I can do it. I don't have a choice when it comes to being fertile or infertile, but I do have a choice to be happy. It's taken too much from me to take this too. Now from writing this, don't think I won't have relapses and have bad days. But I will try not to dwell on them. I will try to push them aside and focus on the good parts of my life...as you can see I have plenty. A baby will just add to the good parts...someday!

Thank you again to my friends who have helped me through this tough time...couldn't do it without you:-)

Stealing this from Emily. It was very moving to me right now. I'm in a dark place right now. Can't seem to pull myself out of it. Maybe I need therapy, maybe I need time away, maybe I just need to forget this whole journey. Either way, I don't see myself the same anymore and I don't think I can go back. I'm getting good at putting on the happy face and going about my days, but when I lay down at night and ask God to forgive me for lying to everyone I see and talk to, I can't help but cry. Poor Dean doesn't know what to do with me. I guess I don't know what to do with me either. I'm out of ideas. Out of thoughts. Out of strength, hope, patience. Praying it all comes back someday.