Existing

Existing, that's about all I can say for my life right now. I went to work yesterday, which was not as easy as I thought. But we got to leave at 2 so that helped. I told work what happened, there are only 2 ladies there that would need to know. I probably shouldn't have, but I was so upset I knew they'd be able to tell something was up. And they're so nosey. So I made it through the work day...thankfully. I went to get my blood drawn after work. I didn't really think much of it, but as I'm sitting in the chair she's pulling out vial after vial after vial to fill with my blood. After it was all said and done she took 7 vials of blood! Good lord! And I just thought to ask when I might get results, assuming it would be Tuesday. Well come to find out they have to send most of it out and it will take a week or 2 to get the results. So, more waiting. I held it together while she was sucking my blood out, but it was tough. I kept thinking that I shouldn't have to be sitting there, shouldn't have to be thinking about the dead 7 wk old baby that is inside me not coming out. I am really concerned about how that baby is going to come out. I'm going to San Diego on the 9th for work. I don't have a choice, I can't back out now. I absolutely DO NOT want to be 'miscarrying' on a plane, in a meeting, or even in another state. So I googled D&C's, natural miscarriages, and everything else I could think off. I looked at the Nest and asked some women there. I still didn't know what to do. I called my primary doc b/c I was supposed to get my thyroid checked on Tuesday. Apparently they want to keep tabs on that when you're pregnant. I left a message but didn't hear back. Then, the dr called me back at 6:00 on a Friday night to tell me how sorry she is for me. I'm not doing the blood draw Tuesday, we'll wait another month to test it again. So I asked her opinion of what to do about the trip, d&c etc. She said she would do the d&c, she thinks that's my best option. So I decided I'll call at 8:30 on Tuesday and make an appointment for it.
My mom took me to a movie and dinner, which was so nice. Although I still felt sad, still feel empty. I cried a lot, felt very sorry for myself and Dean. I know there are other people out there who have lost more, had worse things happen, but right now, this is my lowest point. I'm thankful to friends and family for support. I'm SO thankful to Dean, I couldn't do this without him. He is my rock. I know he's hurting too but he wants to badly for me to be happy. But I know that together, we can get through this. And hopefully, someday soon, we can get pregnant and actually have a baby.