Sunday

Well, another day. Yesterday I spent most of the day on the couch, sleeping, staring at the ceiling and watching tv. I felt horrible all day, sad, sick to my stomach, just crappy. Around 5 I was sitting on the couch and started to cough and in turn threw up all over myself. I thought it couldn't get any worse until I went to the bathroom to wash my mouth out and proceeded to throw up another 5 or 6 times. I hadn't eaten much all day so it wasn't pleasant. I felt better for a while, but it came back today for a while. I'm still not feeling great, but a little better. I haven't cried all day, which I think is a good thing. I'm sure I'll cry when I make the d& c appointment and when I go and when I come home. But I can't think about that right now. Honestly I can't think about much right now. It's the weirdest feeling to know my body doesn't know what's going on. I talked to a friend who's in her residency (so technically a dr.) about all this. She has actually done several d& c's and gave me a few pointers and a little heads up about what to expect. So that was very helpful.
Dean has been home with me all day today but he has to go to work tomorrow. Being alone is probably the worst. I may go to my parents for a while, but it just takes so much energy. We'll see. I need to do housework and get some stuff done around here, but I just can't make myself do it. I guess it'll all be here another day.
Well, the couch is calling...

Existing

Existing, that's about all I can say for my life right now. I went to work yesterday, which was not as easy as I thought. But we got to leave at 2 so that helped. I told work what happened, there are only 2 ladies there that would need to know. I probably shouldn't have, but I was so upset I knew they'd be able to tell something was up. And they're so nosey. So I made it through the work day...thankfully. I went to get my blood drawn after work. I didn't really think much of it, but as I'm sitting in the chair she's pulling out vial after vial after vial to fill with my blood. After it was all said and done she took 7 vials of blood! Good lord! And I just thought to ask when I might get results, assuming it would be Tuesday. Well come to find out they have to send most of it out and it will take a week or 2 to get the results. So, more waiting. I held it together while she was sucking my blood out, but it was tough. I kept thinking that I shouldn't have to be sitting there, shouldn't have to be thinking about the dead 7 wk old baby that is inside me not coming out. I am really concerned about how that baby is going to come out. I'm going to San Diego on the 9th for work. I don't have a choice, I can't back out now. I absolutely DO NOT want to be 'miscarrying' on a plane, in a meeting, or even in another state. So I googled D&C's, natural miscarriages, and everything else I could think off. I looked at the Nest and asked some women there. I still didn't know what to do. I called my primary doc b/c I was supposed to get my thyroid checked on Tuesday. Apparently they want to keep tabs on that when you're pregnant. I left a message but didn't hear back. Then, the dr called me back at 6:00 on a Friday night to tell me how sorry she is for me. I'm not doing the blood draw Tuesday, we'll wait another month to test it again. So I asked her opinion of what to do about the trip, d&c etc. She said she would do the d&c, she thinks that's my best option. So I decided I'll call at 8:30 on Tuesday and make an appointment for it.
My mom took me to a movie and dinner, which was so nice. Although I still felt sad, still feel empty. I cried a lot, felt very sorry for myself and Dean. I know there are other people out there who have lost more, had worse things happen, but right now, this is my lowest point. I'm thankful to friends and family for support. I'm SO thankful to Dean, I couldn't do this without him. He is my rock. I know he's hurting too but he wants to badly for me to be happy. But I know that together, we can get through this. And hopefully, someday soon, we can get pregnant and actually have a baby.

Results

Well, it's probably the worst day ever. The ultrasound confirmed the baby has stopped growing. I'm beyond upset and confused. Apparently the progesterone supplements can cause your body to prohibit a natural miscarriage, so my body still thinks I'm pregnant (hence the symptoms) and some of the symptoms are the same for the prog. So I'm to stop the prog and hope to m/c naturally. If I don't in 2 weeks, I have to go in for a D&C, which I really don't want to do. I am going to have some blood work done to determine if there are any other issues. Then I will most likely have a dye test (I assume he was talking about an HSG) and who knows what else. I don't know what else we can do. I assume that since we got pg with Clomid on our own, we will try that again, maybe a higher dose, but that won't be for a while. For now, I'm going to wallow in my self pity and watch some tv. My husband has to work tonight so I'm on my own for now. Which is probably just as well. He doesn't need to see me like this! We can commiserate together later. I know he is hurting too.

I'm sure there will be another post of "what ifs", "why me?", "why now?" but I just don't have it in me right now.

7 Weeks

Well, we've made it to 7 weeks. So far nothing to make me think otherwise anyway. Our follow up ultrasound is tomorrow. I'm nervous about it, but really, there's nothing to make me think that something is wrong. I have been very queasy, having to pee ALL THE TIME, headaches, exhaustion etc. So I am thinking all of those things have to be good! I haven't had any spotting, any weird cramping, nothing like that, so I'm still very optimistic. However I can't wait til tomorrow!!

I've been quite emotional the last day or so. It's very different for me. Crying for no reason today at lunch was the kicker. I guess one could say I'm hormonal. I am hoping it passes soon! I don't really know where this is going...I could probably go on for a long time about some issues right now, but really, I don't think it would help anyone. So on that note...keep your fingers crossed for tomorrow and hope for a big, growing baby!

Monday

Well, it's been a few days after my upsetting ultrasound post. I think I might have had a bit of the pregnancy hormones in that post. I think I might have prematurely freaked out. At least I'm hoping. I still haven't had any signs of losing this pregnancy. If anything, I'm having signs of a healthy pregnancy. Constant peeing, nausea, exhaustion. At least I'm hoping those are all good signs. I'm still praying and hoping that everything is ok. But I'm not as freaked as I was on Friday. Only 3 more days until the next one and I can't wait. I think if all goes well we're going to tell the ILs this weekend for MIL's birthday. Although I'm not going to lie, I don't like the idea of using our good news as a present, Dean wants to and I guess they're his parents, so ok. Although I think I will put the kibosh on giving them a picture of the ultrasound (yes I know that is irrational and bitchy, but I don't care). I have also decided I don't care how they react. It's not in my control nor do I really care.

Anyway, that's about all that's going on. I was going to post a picture of the ultrasound, but it's really dark and there's not much to see. Maybe the next one will be better!

Ultrasound

Well, this post is not going to go as I had planned. I was over the moon excited about the ultrasound. Hoping against hope there would be nothing wrong. There was a small chance we might see the heartbeat so I was hoping for that too. Anyway, we get to the appointment and actually had to wait (not common for this office). We finally get back there and the Dr. comes in and tells us all these statistics. You might see the heartbeat, Ultrasounds can be off by 3-4 days, blah, blah, blah. So we get to the wand (gotta love the wand:-) We saw the black sac immediately. I was searching for the flicker, but didn't see anything. So he starts moving the wand back and forth sort of mumbling to himself, let's try to find that baby, it's gotta be in here, where is that baby he finally says, oh there it is and points out this tiny little line. So he measures it and prints a few pictures. He said it looks a little small but we'd talk about it in the office. So I get dressed and we go over to the office. He has a wheel that he's using to calculate the due date I assume. So anyway, he goes on to tell us more statistics. The baby isn't as big as it should be. It should be 2-4 mm and it measured 1.6mm. So he thinks I either ovulated late or we're losing the baby. He said we have a 10-15% chance of miscarrying but 9 times out of 10 everything turns out fine. I was in shock, didn't know what to say or ask or do. I just sat there and listened to him. He said I should take it easy and he wants to see us back in a week to14 days. I wasn't about to wait 14 days! So we have an appointment for next Thursday at 2 for another ultrasound. And another $336 not covered by insurance. I know I will not care that we have no money when I have my baby, but seriously, the medical profession sure knows how to get you! So needless to say I'm going to take it easy this week and pray and pray and pray that everything turns out ok.

I keep telling myself that I have no reason to believe anything bad is going to happen. I haven't had any spotting or weird cramping or anything that would indicate losing the baby. Although if it just stops growing, I may not miscarry naturally. I just don't know. I'm going to try to not freak out about all this anymore. But it's really hard not to think about. So if any of you have any extra prayers, please send some our way. My little peanut sure could use it right now.

Oh yeah and for the time being, I'm leaving my ticker the way it is. He changed my due date by one day, but I'm going to wait til the next u/s before I make any changes. Plus it's all estimated anyway...

6 Weeks

Another weekly update. These are sorta fun:-) Although this week I don't really have anything to update on. I feel pretty good. Waves of nausea here and there, but nothing bad. I'm exhausted most all the time. I feel like I've gained 10 pounds but I haven't. Most of my clothes still fit, but it might not be long before they don't. Our first ultrasound is tomorrow. I'm pretty sure that is why time feels like it's going backwards. I'm so excited, I can't wait til 2:00 tomorrow! And then I'm visiting a friend for the afternoon and then going to a jewelry party tomorrow night. It should be a fun day!

I'm debating taking pictures of myself starting today. There isn't much to show, but I guess at some point I might want a series of pictures. We'll see how I feel when I get home tonight.

I will however be posting the u/s picture tomorrow or Friday:-)

The monday blues

Well...I think I have the Monday blues. Not only is the weekend over, but I'm stuck back here at work with a sick coworker who has decided it is necessary to tell every single person who calls that she has been sick for 6 days and she's dying. After 8 hours of listening to her I seriously want to strangle her, but I don't think my baby would appreciate being born in jail! I'm blaming it on my pregnancy hormones (hey, why not, I can blame everything else on those!) Only 45 minutes left...wahoo.

And only 3 days left til our ultrasound! The countdown is on!!!

Friday

Ahhh...Friday, just the word makes me happy. And now that we're on the downward slide to the end of the workday, it's even better! I don't have much going on right now. I guess I thought that once I got pregnant I would feel different. I don't. Other than being tired, waves of nausea, some heartburn and a little bloat, I feel basically the same. I keep having to remind myself that this is indeed happening. I have small thoughts that creep in from time to time that we'll get bad news at the ultrasound next Thursday, but I'm trying to push them right back out as soon as they come into my head! I know the weekend will go fast (they always do) but next week will probably drag on! We haven't told too many people yet either. I think that makes it hard to feel real too. I have told my family (basically because they knew we were having troubles), my good friends and a few other people. Dean has told a few people too, but hasn't told his parents. His moms birthday is August 31st so I think he wants to wait til then. I'm terrified of telling them. It's not that we don't get along we just don't have anything in common. They are nice but their ideas of things are VERY different than mine. And they don't seem to give a shit that I am married to their kid or our lives. They only call when they want or need something (usually whatever it it is, it has to be done right then). I saw his mom a few weeks ago, and the last time I saw her was my birthday in March. The last time I've seen his dad was for Deans birthday in February. Somehow I got out of Mothers day and I'm never invited along for Fathers day. They've never said that they're happy to have me as a DIL or anything. Never once said anything nice about the wedding my parents (and I) put on. Even though they acted like they did and paid for everything while they were there. So needless to say, I'm nervous. I know his dad has made mention of wanting grand kids (specifically a girl) so I'm sure they'll be happy. But if they say anything about what it is and it better be a girl, or we'd better name it...whatever...I might freak. His mom knows we had a miscarriage last summer and has NEVER once said anything about it to me. No "I'm sorry", no "we're thinking of you" nothing. Apparently they don't talk about bad things. So if they say something about how long it's been or anything, again, I might freak. And I'm sure you're thinking that I'm being a bit dramatic, but his parents have a way of saying things that are totally inappropriate. I blame that on the fact that they have no social skills and hang out with the same hillbilly people all the time. You'd think being golfers that they'd have some sort of common social graces, but they don't. So I'm nervous about their reaction, what they'll say etc. And if I'm having a particularly bad day hormonally, I might just go off on them. And if they think for ONE second that my baby is going to be in their care without me around they have another thing coming. Dean is an only child. And once when I was pushing his mom about why they didn't have more kids she said b/c FIL was so bad with Dean and had no patience. After pushing the issue, basically he hit him and was horribly mean. UM NO THANK YOU! Shortly after that (we weren't TTC at the time) I told Dean that under no uncertain terms were my kids to be over there alone. And thank God he agreed. At least at the time.
Anyway, so now you know the thoughts for the day. I guess I'd better get back to work. Less than 3 hours to go now! Wahoo. Thanks for listening/reading, sorry I got off track a little!! Have a good weekend!!

5 Weeks

My first weekly post! I LOVE it! So fun. Anyway, I don't really have much to update. I don't really feel any different than before the BFP. I've been a little more tired than usual. Some heartburn and a few waves of nausea. Oh and several trips to the bathroom!! That could get old quick. One week from tomorrow is my ultrasound. I'm super excited about that, I hope it gets here quick! Dean still thinks (hopes) it's twins. I hope I don't feel too disappointed when we discover next week that it's not. I wasn't sure how he was feeling about all this (he's your typical man, doesn't discuss much of anything). But he's said a few things that have caught me off guard. Something about buying a video camera, making a list for names so we don't' forget the ones we liked, etc. Kind of fun. I'm hoping when he slows down a bit at work we can talk more about it. I think it's still pretty new to both of us that we don't know what to talk about quite yet. We need to talk about when we're going to start telling people though. I think after the 1st or 2nd ultrasound...that sounds good!

In other news, the weekend was fun. I went to the PGA Championship with Dean and my brother but we got there and it started storming so we ended up in a tent for a few hours while it rained. We finally left around 4 and they called the tournament for the day, so good thing we left. Had dinner and drove home instead of staying the night.

My mom had her appointment at Karmanos on Monday. We were all a little worried because we weren't sure where this all was headed. She ended up getting in the study after 5 long hours of talking to drs and the like. She has to go over next week for some baseline scans and blood work. Her treatment will be every 3 weeks with tests in between (which all have to be done in Detroit for control purposes). So she'll be spending a lot of time in the car. Any suggestions of gifts for fun car rides? I was thinking books on tape? She has satellite radio, but that might get old. She has a lot of friends that are willing to ride with her too, so that might help. I'm sure she'll be learning more as she gets into it farther, so updates to come.

Friday!

I for one am THRILLED that it is finally Friday. It has been a long week of very good news, so I'm exhausted! We only have to work til 4 today, only 2 hours left. Not that I'm counting or anything!!

So I decided today to add a ticker. I wasn't going to originally, but I changed my mind! It is exciting for me to see it there! And I look forward to it changing everyday, every week and every month!

I also have decided it is very hard to keep this a secret. We've been trying for so long to have a baby, I just want to go yell from the roof tops! I don't want to sit here in my office and pretend like there's nothing growing inside of me. I am debating on when would be a good time to tell. They all know we're 'trying' b/c of the m/c I had last year (and they're a bunch of nosey newts!) So I'm sure they're watching me like a hawk. Actually I know they are, I over heard one of them say to another woman that she was sure I was pregnant b/c I was wearing skirts all week. This was 2-3 weeks ago, clearly not pregnant yet. It was just 90*+ that week...hot! I didn't want to wear pants! Ugh...why can't some people just mind their own business. Oh yeah, because their business is boring, so they want to have their noses in other peoples business!

So...weekend plans! I'm excited to say that we have some! (some of our weekends are pretty uneventful). Dean is volunteering at the PGA Championship over near Detroit. A lot of the PGA's in the state volunteer because it looks good and it's fun to meet some of the pros on tour. His job will be to transport players from the clubhouse to the range. I will drive over to meet him there tomorrow and watch part of the tournament. We will then have dinner with my brother who lives near there an stay the night at his house. If I'm as tired tomorrow as I have been every other afternoon, there's no way I can drive home!!! We'll come home Sunday morning to get ready for next week! Yay for the weekend!!

The numbers are in!!!

Beta 1 = 60
Beta 2 = 162

YAY!!!! I'm pregnant! I don't feel pregnant, I don't feel any different except maybe a little more tired than normal! I'm so excited and so relieved to have these numbers back and know that they are good. They more than doubled....that has to be good right??? My first appointment w/ ultrasound is Aug 21st. 2 weeks from today...how am I going to wait that long???? Oh, I'm so excited words can't even begin to express!

Thank you for all your support over the last 17 months. Please keep this new little life in your prayers if you can. I REALLY appreciate it!!!

I am indeed...

pregnant!!! I just got off the phone with the nurse and the blood test came back positive! Wahoo! I go back tomorrow for another. I forgot to ask what the numbers were, but I will get them both on Thursday. I'm ok with not knowing, I don't want to fret about what they need to be tomorrow.

She went through all the dos and don'ts of early pregnancy. What I can and cannot have. So at least I have a few guidelines. Nothing too surprising though. And the most exciting part is I get to go in at 6 weeks for an ultrasound! and then again at 8 weeks! Who knew having IF problems would get you extra ultrasounds??? I'm so excited for that...but 6 weeks is still 2 weeks away.

I'm so excited for this pregnancy. I have so much planned for this baby already. I cannot wait until April when he/she is here! (like my positive thinking???)

Well, I had better try to get some work done....not easy right now, but have to try!!

Cycle 17 is it!

Well...after much hemming and hawing, I decided to test today and....

I know it's light, but as they say "a line is a line" and actually it looked darker in person! I wasn't going to test today, I was going to wait til tomorrow but couldn't hold out! And now I'm glad I didn't. This is the happiest day of my life and the perfect way to start a Monday! Of course Dean was on the road so I had to call him to tell him, but he was so excited. Which makes me more excited. When we hung up the phone I just started crying! Happy crying of course! And a little scared too...but mostly happy!!

I'm taking a half day today to visit some friends and so I'm going to call the dr. when I leave work (although I may sneak off to the bathroom to do it earlier) and hopefully they'll want me to come in for a blood test. I'm so excited for this news, for such a good weekend, and a great day today.

Anyway, in other news my weekend was great. Got to babysit a good friends 2 month old baby. Which was super fun. She was a good baby! Only cried a little. And slept most of the time! Went to a party, picnic, and a fun gossip session! I could go on and on about the weekend, but lets face it, I barely remember any of it now that I have this other news on my mind. I can totally see how women call in the day they get their BFP! I can't concentrate!!! 11:45 get here quick!!!

Some Blog-world questions

So I've been blogging for a while. I came across other TTC and IF blogs and thought it was a good idea so I jumped on the band wagon. I haven't done much research on them or the etiquette surrounding them, so this question may seem stupid...but why do people put periods in the middle of words? Recently I have seen clo.mid and foll.itism. If anyone knows please fill me in! There must be something I'm missing!!

Other than my stupidity aboug blogs, today is dragging by!! I can't wait to go visit my friends and meet the new baby! And this gathering kicks off my 4 days of FUN! I'm so excited that these last 2 hours of work are going to be torturous! I hope everyone has a great weekend!!

Oh and P.S...if there's any other weird blogging rule or guideline that I probably don't know, feel free to fill me in on that too! Thanks much!