She's here

Well, AF is finally here for real. I will call the dr office tomorrow to be sure I'm ok to start another round. I have decided to try to schedule the HSG this cycle. I wanted to try the Clomid for a few months and that didn't work. I don't want to have the procedure. It's expensive and I can't think of anything in my past that may have caused my tubes to be blocked, but maybe it's something that just happens. And I guess if they are blocked, at least it's an answer. It's a bad time to take off work, but at this point I don't care. I want a baby...my job can wait! It doesn't help I'm going out of town for 4 days next week. The only good thing about it, the days will fly by while I'm gone. They always do. I'm going for work, so Dean isn't coming with me. I'm bummed about that. But it's only 4 days and I'm sure he'll work himself to the bone! He always does! So hopefully I can get an appointment for the HSG before Thursday. The dr said they like to do it between day 7-12 so that should work I think.
I haven't cried yet because of this failed cycle. I feel like the tears are right there but can't come out. I'm sure it will, at the worst possible time. And I don't think Dean knows what to say. He feels bad but still thinks it'll happen or if it doesn't that we'll be just fine as the two of us. I know we will be just fine as the 2 of us, but I feel like we built this house with the intention of having children. I never thought of my life as one without kids. Until these last few years I never really gave the idea of kids a 2nd thought. It was just what we were going to do. Who knew it would be so hard. I think about it daily, sometimes even hourly. That probably isn't helping. I need a hobby, a past time to keep my mind off this mess. But I doubt that will happen. So I guess here we go again...I HATE this....