No baby

Not now and at this point not ever. Started spotting late last night so now I just wait for full AF to show so I can start over. I am beyond upset. I have to sit here at work and pretend like everything is ok. That I'm happy to see these people who at this point I have no interest in. I just want to stay at home, in bed and mope. Feel sorry for myself. Just be miserable. But no, I have to put on a happy face, come to work and go on with my life.
I have tried to be happy, look on the bright side, not be so negative....but at this point it's not working. I can't help but think "why me, what's wrong with me?, did I do something wrong earlier in my life to be punished this way?". I know those are irrational thoughts, but at this point I am irrational. I don't know what we'll do from here. I'm supposed to go out of town in 2 weeks for work. So I don't see the point in doing the clomid again if I'm not going to be around my husband during the right time. So I guess I'll wait to see how long this spotting lasts and what the dr says. I'm also contemplating calling a specialist before my 4 cycles with my dr are up. I figure it'll probably take a while to get into them anyway. I might ask the nurse about that too.
Wish me luck getting through this day. I feel like I need it!

My motto for now: "Don't wish, don't start, wishing only wounds the heart" from Wicked.