Is it Friday yet?

Ugh, this week is dragging on. I don't know if it's because I have too much to do to fit it all in so I'm tired and that makes the days seem to last forever or what. But I'm about ready for it to be OVER! I had to go in and get a blood draw for my thyroid levels (I've had issues for years) and my dose was increased in March because I wasn't feeling too well and really tired for no reason. So they did the test and determined I could probably handle a little more. Well, apparently now I'm getting too much (which I thought a side effect of that would be weight loss, not so!). So now she's prescribing me one dose every other day and a higher dose on the odd days...huh? How am I supposed to be remembering what day is what? I don't know if there's any better way, so I'm complaining for no reason. And of course she asked if I was pregnant, and of course I had to say no. She's my internist, but she knows we're trying. So of course that made me sad to have to say no...again.
I don't know why but some days are worse than others when it comes to baby thoughts....I can't stop thinking about it. A lot of women in the blogosphere are getting knocked up right now. I don't frequent the Nest anymore, it wasn't as helpful as I thought it was a year ago when I thought getting pregnant would be easy. So I'm sure there are more BFPs there too...but the ones I read about in blogs are enough. I'm not trying to say I'm not happy for them, I am. I'm just sad for me. It's the same with my real life friends. I'm beyond happy for them...but still sad for me. Selfish, I know. But lets face it, the human race is a selfish bunch by nature!
On the plus side, my RE appointment is 2 weeks from today. I know that this appointment isn't going to produce a baby, but at least it's one step closer. I'm nervous about the cost already. I have been getting the bills for the Clomid monitoring and holy crap are ultrasounds expensive. And stupid insurance companies won't cover any of it because it's for infertility....stupid insurance companies.
Anyway, enough negative babble. Not much longer til I get to leave work...that's the positive side of my day:-) And tomorrow is Friday...another positive thing!

Not a snowballs chance in hell

So we don't have a snowballs chance in hell of being pregnant this month. I was out of town during the opportune time and now Dean is working himself to death so he falls into bed about 11pm and is asleep before his head hits the pillow. And we all know what we need to be doing to have a baby...and we aren't doing any of that:-) I was feeling ok about it because I had been out of town and was blaming that for now, but I am feeling sad and frustrated again because of it. I really didn't think it would be this hard. And I hear about these high school girls trying to get pregnant and other women who get pregnant right away and it makes me sad. This is something I've been wanting now for a year and a half....seems like a long time. I haven't discussed anything with Dean for a while. I think he needs a break from it all. And we'll hopefully have plenty to discuss after our July 10th appointment. I have a feeling we will have to spend that cycle doing tests and trying to figure out our best options, but I'm hopeful for the August cycle. Maybe some medical science is just what we need! I'm hoping anyway.
And my poor grandma, doesn't want to make things worse, but she knows we're trying b/c of the miscarriage last year (which by the way is now over a year ago) and the last time I talked to her she asked if we were having any luck. Then she went on to tell me that she can't wait for that phone call and she's really hoping and praying for us. And then came this...she tells me that men should wear boxers b/c it's supposed to help things down there...I about died. It was so funny and embarrassing at the same time. I didn't mention to Dean that she said anything, he would have died too.
Other than being out of town for a few days for work, things are about the same. I'm hoping the next 2 weeks go quickly because I am so anxious for this appointment. I know next week will because of the holiday. We get Friday off and maybe Thursday afternoon too. I'm really excited about that. Then the crazy lady is out the next week for a few days and then our trip to NYC....the summer is flying by!

Here it goes....

So this is my blog...my place to vent my frustrations, share happy times, write whatever pops into my head. It for the most part has been my journey to getting pregnant and becoming a mother...but today, the focus is NOT on that. I do have a small tidbit of info to share on that front. We'll get to that first. I think I have started to have my first Clomid side effects. I have been waking up at night completely covered in sweat and SO hot. It happened several nights, and I of course couldn't think of what was happening until yesterday it just dawned on me...maybe these are night sweats or hot flashes! Either way, they aren't that bad and if it gets me a baby, I'm all for it. But other than that, no other side effects.
Now onto other things...my job. I HATE it. I'm so annoyed with the people I work with. They are basically useless. I feel somewhat guilty saying that, but today it's how I feel. One of them basically is convinced she's dying. She limps around here all the time and says 'I'm dying' or 'I'm not going to make it'. She has Rheumatoid Arthritis, so yes, she is in pain and probably has a lot going on, but seriously. If it's that bad, then you need to go to the dr, quit cancelling your appointments and keep taking your medicine. Don't just stop because you feel like it. And then the other one...seriously is about to drive me crazy. She's the one who was watching the golf on her computer the other day. And has continued to discuss the fact that she was watching it instead of working. And today she's been going on and on about how she's taking vacation for the 2 weeks around Christmas and New Years because she wants to spend the time with her kids. So since I don't have kids, I can't have time around a holiday off? HUH? And it's like 6 months away. Must we discuss it today? Maybe this is another side effect of the Clomid but these little things are driving me absolutely bat shit crazy! I don't know what our situation will be if/when we ever get pregnant, but I hope and pray that I can stay home with my baby. Or at least work part time. If I can get out of here even half the time I think I'd be happier! Oh....and if you're asking why I don't' just quit? Well, it's not that easy. I work for my dad, the business he built. I don't think he'd take it too kindly if I up and quit! But he might understand if it were for a baby. So we'll see about that. Poor Dean has enough to deal with, I don't think he is going to want to discuss me staying home when we don't even have the possibility of a baby to stay home with.
Anyway, so that's the vent for the day. The happy news is, I'm going to a company conference (the upside to my job) until Sunday. So technically today is my Friday! I'm excited about that, but sad about leaving Dean. (It's only for 4 days, so I'll be ok:-) I'm not taking my laptop (too much hassle) so I'll hopefully have lots of blog reading to catch up on next week!

If I hire a hit man...

Would I go to prison? Seriously I am trying to keep my cool today but it is NOT working. This CRAZY woman I work with is over there on the phone with every person she knows discussing the final round of the US Open that she is watching on the Internet. SERIOUSLY? We don't get paid to watch tv. I love golf, my husband is in the business, I watch it a lot. I follow a lot of the guys and yes, I have been checking the PGA website to see who is leading. But I am not announcing it to the world. I don't think that is necessary or appropriate at work. So I guess I don't feel that bad about screwing around on the Internet while she's over there watching TV. I'm so annoyed I can hardly stand to sit here. I wish I had a good enough reason to leave early, but I don't.

Ugh....anyway, now that's out of my system I can hopefully move on! (and keep hoping for the end of the day to get here like NOW!)


Sorry for the vent, but if it didn't come out here it was going to come out somewhere else:-)

Lull

I have come to a lull in the work load today which usually leads my mind off in a million different directions. Today it is wandering to my plans for the weekend and my trip next week that I'm going on for work. And of course it always wanders to babies. The thought of others babies, my own, just babies in general. I got the cutest baby announcement in the mail yesterday with a sweet photo that is now plastered on my fridge with all my other friends kids! I also got my packet from Michigan Reproductive (what a nice name huh?, they couldn't have picked something a little less technical? guess not). Either way, it came and I was excited. I tore it open and read every word. There were estimate prices for procedures, a packet of information for me to fill out and return before the appointment. And information on all the different things they offer in their office. I was so excited, but Dean has too much going on at work right now, he can't think about this too. I wish he could, but he is your typical man. One thing at a time and he absolutely can't talk about the 'what if'...I don't know why, just can't. I'm working on dealing with it on my own. Realizing I can't talk about it all the time with him even though it's on my mind all the time! That's what I use this for:-) and my friends! This week flew by with all the fun act ivies, and I know next week will too because I'm gone for 4 days. So that gets us a little closer to July 10th! And there's a holiday in there too...yay! I'm always excited for short work weeks!

So Tired

I don't have any baby news to share. No updates, no appointments, no discussions, nothing. Which in all reality is just fine. I'm sort of anxious for a break. I need to stop thinking, obsessing, whatever. I mean we'll still 'try' this cycle, but not being totally immersed in it will be just fine by me!
I was out late last night and drank a little too much so now I'm seriously dragging at work. An hour and a half left and then home to take a nap and do it all again tonight! I love having out of town friends around, but my sleep habits don't appreciate it! I just hope I can get a little rest when I get home!
Well, now that you've gotten the update on my oh so exciting life (note sarcasm here), I guess I should get back to work.

Highs and Lows

I realize that life is all about the highs and lows...but sometimes it just sucks. Dean and I were supposed to go to our local parade of homes last night. Of course he had to work so we got a late start. It bothers me that he says he'll be somewhere when he knows full well that he can't get away that quick. Anyway, so we got on our way and looked at some beautiful houses!! I love our new house, but it is fun to look at others! We stopped half way through to have a bite to eat and here's where the blows come. We start talking about the specialist and the appointment and how I'm excited and all this. He basically says nothing. Then he says 'Aren't you scared'? Scared? Um, yes! Terrified, but excited at the same time. And then he goes into this whole thing about he doesn't want anyone to know that we need a specialist to get pregnant. He wants to happen 'on it's own'....what ever that means. So if you know me in real life...don't say anything about this to him! I tried to explain that people don't usually ask how you get pregnant. Most people already know! Sort of funny. So then after he gets over this little hump of nervousness (I can tell by the look on his face that he is nervous and scared at this point...I hate to think how he's going to be on July 10th!! ), he asks if we could have twins with any of these other procedures. And then it comes out...he wants twin girls. WHAT? I was shocked. All this from the man that says if it happens it's good, if it doesn't it's good too...and now he wants twin girls...I was shocked to say the least. I asked if he wanted a boy and he sort of made a face. Too funny! So anyway, God, if you're listening, my husband wants twin girls! I know he loves me and I know he will love our child/children when and if we have them, but this process is really trying my patience!

Appointment update

Well...I got my appointment on the books for the specialist. July 10th. I'm nervous and excited at the same time. Of course I hope that I can cancel that appointment with a pregnancy before that, but I am not optimistic! I have a feeling we will be going to that appointment. I am supposed to start my clomid today per my discussions with the nurse yesterday. Although today I'm gushing blood...seriously annoying!! And the worst cramps to date! It's very difficult to sit here at work. I want to be at home curled up on the couch. Only 2 1/2 more hours to go!! I might try to sneak out a little early...we'll see how it goes. Anyway, back to the appointment, now I get to research what to talk about at a consult appointment and what information I need to know before hand. So overwhelming but so exciting too!
On another note, the crazy work people are at it again! This woman seriously ceases to amaze!! The things she comes up with I couldn't make up if I tried. Now she's mad at me because the girl that quit after she had her baby is messaging me on facebook...like I can control who writes on my wall. I have never met someone so upset over stupid little things! It really gets to me after a while. I know I should laugh at the craziness, but sometimes it's just hard!
And on the last note...my very good friend went into labor this morning with her 3rd baby. I'm so excited to get the call from her husband with the news! And since they couldn't decide on a name, I'm excited to find out what they finally decided on! (Yes this is the 2nd good friend to have a baby in 2 weeks, and both didn't have a name picked out!!) I'm so happy for her and her family. I wish them all health and safety during delivery and after.
My other friend is doing well with her new baby. The pictures are ADORABLE!!! She seems to be doing really well! Congrats to both of them!!

Renewed hope

I've spoken with the nurse a few times today and they want me to do 1 more cycle of the Clomid and the Dr. has added prometrium again for day 16-28 to maybe stop the early spotting. My instructions were to take an HPT and start the clomid tonight or tomorrow. So I think I'll start tomorrow because I'm out of town in 2 weeks and that'll give me an extra day when I get back...although I may change my mind by the time I get home. I have already filled the prescription, so it's just waiting for me to pick it up after work today. And I have an HPT at home, so we'll see. I might just go ahead and do it tonight. We'll see...
The weirdest part was originally they told me no, not to see the specialist quite yet. So we're going to give it one more cycle. I pray and hope that this is it for me. Although I have been praying and hoping for a long time. I know not as long as some, but to me it feels like a really long time. So at least for now I have a plan, I have some renewed hope. I feel some excitement again. It's amazing how quickly that excitement comes and goes on this ride to becoming parents. I feel like I have a change in emotions on a daily basis!!
The hardest part right now is being at work. I have to take and make these phone calls from the Dr. and I work in an open office. No door to close, no cubical wall to help block the sound. So I have to go outside to make a personal phone call. So of course everyone here gives me the eye (you know what I'm talking about!) when I come back. I want to scream at them that they have no clue what I'm going through. They think it should be so easy, and that it's no big deal...little do they know that there are days that I feel like I can't go on...can't do this anymore. Can't face them, my family, my work, anything again. At least they've stopped asking if I'm ok when I get back. Just the stares. Maybe they finally got the hint that I don't want to talk about my private life with them. Probably not...but I can hope they have some sense of privacy and dignity...but probably not.
Anyway...here we go again...please if you have any prayers left, please send them my way. I will be forever grateful!

Beyond Frustrated

I have no more words for the things I am feeling. So I thought AF was here yesterday...apparently she was for a few hours. Then back to nothing or very little spotting. Then this morning, basically nothing until this morning when I was running. I had the most painful cramps ever! I thought I was going to have to stop, but I kept going and they finally got better. I had some spotting after and now nothing again. I need to call my dr but the people I work with are so damn nosey I can't blow my nose much less make a phone call without lots of little ears. I guess I'll try at lunch.
But on a better note, at least I went running this morning. I figure if I can't have a baby at least I can get into some better shape. So I'm going to try (key word here, try) to eat better and do some more exercising!! We'll see how it goes.
Well...back to the regularly scheduled Monday morning...blah!

She's here

Well, AF is finally here for real. I will call the dr office tomorrow to be sure I'm ok to start another round. I have decided to try to schedule the HSG this cycle. I wanted to try the Clomid for a few months and that didn't work. I don't want to have the procedure. It's expensive and I can't think of anything in my past that may have caused my tubes to be blocked, but maybe it's something that just happens. And I guess if they are blocked, at least it's an answer. It's a bad time to take off work, but at this point I don't care. I want a baby...my job can wait! It doesn't help I'm going out of town for 4 days next week. The only good thing about it, the days will fly by while I'm gone. They always do. I'm going for work, so Dean isn't coming with me. I'm bummed about that. But it's only 4 days and I'm sure he'll work himself to the bone! He always does! So hopefully I can get an appointment for the HSG before Thursday. The dr said they like to do it between day 7-12 so that should work I think.
I haven't cried yet because of this failed cycle. I feel like the tears are right there but can't come out. I'm sure it will, at the worst possible time. And I don't think Dean knows what to say. He feels bad but still thinks it'll happen or if it doesn't that we'll be just fine as the two of us. I know we will be just fine as the 2 of us, but I feel like we built this house with the intention of having children. I never thought of my life as one without kids. Until these last few years I never really gave the idea of kids a 2nd thought. It was just what we were going to do. Who knew it would be so hard. I think about it daily, sometimes even hourly. That probably isn't helping. I need a hobby, a past time to keep my mind off this mess. But I doubt that will happen. So I guess here we go again...I HATE this....

No baby

Not now and at this point not ever. Started spotting late last night so now I just wait for full AF to show so I can start over. I am beyond upset. I have to sit here at work and pretend like everything is ok. That I'm happy to see these people who at this point I have no interest in. I just want to stay at home, in bed and mope. Feel sorry for myself. Just be miserable. But no, I have to put on a happy face, come to work and go on with my life.
I have tried to be happy, look on the bright side, not be so negative....but at this point it's not working. I can't help but think "why me, what's wrong with me?, did I do something wrong earlier in my life to be punished this way?". I know those are irrational thoughts, but at this point I am irrational. I don't know what we'll do from here. I'm supposed to go out of town in 2 weeks for work. So I don't see the point in doing the clomid again if I'm not going to be around my husband during the right time. So I guess I'll wait to see how long this spotting lasts and what the dr says. I'm also contemplating calling a specialist before my 4 cycles with my dr are up. I figure it'll probably take a while to get into them anyway. I might ask the nurse about that too.
Wish me luck getting through this day. I feel like I need it!

My motto for now: "Don't wish, don't start, wishing only wounds the heart" from Wicked.

Will power is fading!!

Well...I held out and didn't test today...yay me! Small victories are just as good as big ones:-) So now I have to hold out tomorrow. If I can make it past tomorrow morning I'm pretty sure I can wait til Sunday. I think I have some 'symptoms' but I'm fairly sure it's far to early for anything so it's probably just my head playing tricks on me. So I'm trying really hard to ignore it!
On another note, it's been a really long week at work so I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday. I have a fun weekend planned so I'm looking forward to that! I'll let you know tomorrow how my will power holds over the next 24 hours!

To test or not to test...

I'm trying to be strong and not test til Sunday, but it's not working:-( I have to run to Target after work today for some things and I know I will end up in 'that' aisle staring at the pregnancy tests trying to decide if I should buy one. And there's a $1 store right next door...so will I go in? Will I stay away? I know myself, if I have a test in the house I will use it. So if I don't buy it then I don't have to worry about it...can you see where this is going? I talk myself in circles...and circles...and circles!! haha...I guess I have a few hours to keep thinking about it. (but let's face it...I'll probably buy one!) Maybe I can at least hold off til Friday:-)

The miracle of birth

My friend had her baby today. Too bad she lives so far away:-( I can't wait to meet her sweet, precious angel. I have seen a few pictures but of course want more. I am experiencing the strangest emotions. There's no jealous, no wishing it were me. Just pure exhilaration for her and her husband and family. Of course my feelings haven't changed for myself and what I am hoping and praying for but for today that is on hold and we are SO happy for her. So happy it brings tears to my eyes...yeah, I'm a sap!! Ha! So until tomorrow...

Ok, back to Red Wings hockey and then hopefully bed (I'm praying for no over time...I really need some sleep!!)

Lazy Sunday

Here we are on a lazy Sunday afternoon....we've had beautiful weather this weekend. Makes me so ready for summer! So far no spotting...WAHOO. I'm super excited but still trying to not get my hopes up (but if you know me, you know my hopes are WAY up!) But I really am trying to keep them in check. Seven days from today I'll be peeing on the stick and praying for 2 little lines.
In other baby news (because as we all know when you're going through something, you see it everywhere), my good friend is due to have her baby any day now! Can't wait to hear that good news (and see pictures!!) And 3 'friends' on myspace and facebook have announced their pregnancies this weekend. Due Dec., Jan, and Feb (a little early to be announcing it to the facebook world if you asked me). Another good friend who's getting real close to delivering. Probably in the next few weeks. Can't wait to see that one either (and find out if they can pick a name by then!!). And last but not least an old family friend delivered her baby on Friday. I swear when it rains it pours and apparently they are all drinking the fertility water that I can't seem to get my hands on! But I am truly excited for each and every one of them. They are all great women and will be and already are GREAT mothers. I just hope I can join their ranks sooner rather than later.
The calendar this week doesn't have much on it. A dinner date, maybe a high school reunion meeting and a med school grad party...I guess that's enough! Ha! So hopefully it'll fly by and I'll be "peeing on money" (as my mom always says) in no time.
Make it a great week!