More waiting

Well, the u/s was today. After an hour wait to get into the room, the tech did an external u/s first. Sorta weird. Saw basically nothing so then moved onto the internal. It was only CD 12 so I knew it would be close if we could do the trigger and begin the baby making. Well, it wasn't close, the follicles (that's right, plural!!) were only 10-14mm. There were 3 on the left and 1 on the right. So I went up to the office to have them read the pictures and they decided I have to come back Friday for another check (i.e. more $$). The u/s tech for the office is on maternity leave so hopefully the next time I have to do this, she'll be back and it won't be such a pain. And the nurse said it's cheaper in their office than in the hospital outpatient testing. Not sure how that can be. Guess we'll see. I was initially really upset and bummed about the whole thing being delayed. But I realize now that I'll have a better chance at actually getting pregnant if I wait til Friday. The nurse was very helpful and made it very clear about why we had to re-do the study and how it will be good in the long run. She was very nice. So basically, not much to tell today except more waiting...I should be used to it by now! Hope Friday gets here quick!!

Negative thoughts

Well, the u/s, trigger, etc starts tomorrow. I have the worst feeling about all of this. I don't know why. I just do. The previous spotting is the main reason I'm feeling this way. I'm afraid I screwed up and missed the window of opportunity this cycle. If the weird spotting happens again I will have to seriously think about our future plans for trying. I just want a baby. I'm sick of trying. Why do they tell you in the 5th grade that it's so easy when obviously it's not. I know I am sulking and feeling sorry for myself, but I don't care. I deserve to feel this way now and again. I have too much stress from other things, I can't be strong anymore.
My mom is coming home from California tonight. I'm glad about that. The 3 hour time difference made it impossible to chat. Every time we'd call one another, we were busy doing something. My brother got to stay for another few days and go to LA to visit a friend and our cousin. I'm so jealous. To be 21 again and be able to stay in Southern CA, just because...must be nice.
Riley (my parents dog) has been sick and she had surgery yesterday. This sounds like a non-issue, but if something would have happened to that dog my dad would have to be committed! Thankfully she came through just fine. They found some bladder stones and scraped her bladder out (similar to a D&C) so hopefully she'll start to feel better soon!
And work...always a stress! It's busy since the previously pregnant girl quit. And some days I don't have it in me to get through the day.
I read these blogs of other women who have been through SO MUCH more than me and I think I must be the biggest baby ever. I have a good life, a great husband, job, house all that. I should be happy. Hopefully I'll have a better attitude about it all tomorrow. It seems that these moods change by the day. So I'll continue to have a blah night, knowing tomorrow will be better!

Just another Monday

Ugh...Monday mornings. The worst! :-) That's how I'm feeling this morning...so tired, didn't want to get up, come to work, anything. And it didn't help that I didn't sleep well last night. I had the weirdest dream that I was getting my ultrasound on Wednesday and the tech said I was pregnant. I tried arguing with her and told her no, I was there for a follicle check and not pregnant and she showed me the little flutter of a heartbeat and that yes, I was indeed pregnant. So then I freaked b/c I was so such a bad mother, I didn't even know I was pregnant. SO WEIRD! I'm sure some shrink would have a hay day with me! So now I can't stop thinking about it, like it was real. I will be so glad when Wednesday comes and goes so I can move on with this all. I'm nervous this won't work b/c of all the weird bleeding I had before. I'm afraid we're too late. But I had a thought about the bleeding, so I'm going to ask the nurse when she gives me the shot. I know I have low progesterone, so it could be the culprit. I had been taking the supplements all along, but the Dr decided to stop that while we're doing this. I think he thought with a longer LP I wouldn't need them. But maybe I still do. We'll see. Now I just need to get this whole process out of my head for a few days...easier said than done!! Hopefully Wednesday morning gets here quick.
On another note, it feels like drama everywhere right now. The girl that quit via note last week emailed me over the weekend to say she was sorry, she didn't know how else to quit w/out causing more drama so she just left. Uh, not really appropriate. So now I suppose she wants me to write her back and tell her that I'm not mad, I understand, etc. We'll see. I'm not mad that she quit to stay home with her baby, but I am mad about the way she did it. Not very professional or nice. So I have that to deal with.
And I got myself involved in some high school reunion drama. I won't get into it now, but now I remember why I didn't want to go back to high school!!
Well...better get to work! Here's hoping to a fast day!!

Next step

The appointment is set for next Wednesday at 9:30 for the ultrasound and shot...again. Here's hoping this time it works!! They set it up for day 12, which is a day earlier than before. I guess they know what they're doing, so I hope that's ok. I am trying to make myself not worry so much about all this, but it's hard. At least this week has gone by quickly so hopefully next Wednesday gets here quick too. I hate wishing time away like this, it's already almost half-way through the year and here I am wishing time away like it is nothing! I know someday when I have my little baby I will want time to stop completely!
On another note, Dean has finally come around to this new cycle and being more optimistic. I think he was just having a bad day! He works so hard, I know he's tired and probably has no patience for a crazy wife like me. So I've tried very hard to keep the emotions in check for a while! I think I've done a pretty good job so far this week:-) We'll see how the next few weeks go!

Round 2

I feel like I'm in a boxing ring...how many rounds can we go?? Well after significant bleeding over the weekend the dr has decided to go ahead and start another round of Clomid today. So I'll start the whole process over again. I was devastated last week so I wasn't/am not so upset today. With a 28 day cycle, these will go by fast!! I'm just hoping this one works. I'll call to get my ultrasound/shot appointment later today. It'll be next Thursday or Friday. Just in time for the long weekend:-)
Nothing new to report. Mothers day wasn't exceptionally hard, just disappointing. I would love to have some news to share on a fun holiday like that! We went to breakfast with Deans mom. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, but she doesn't really seem to want me to be involved in anything we do. And she seemed more annoyed that I didn't want to play golf in the 50* and rainy weather. Oh well. I don't really care. Then we spent the day hanging pictures in our house. We've only been there for 18 months, we might as well start drilling holes in the walls!! Then we went to my parents for dinner. Both my brothers were in town and my sister in law. That was fun. Now back to Monday and the start of another week...here we go again!

Will you be ok without?

This is what my husband says to me at lunch today. Will I be ok if we can't have kids. When I said no he looked at me like I was nuts. I asked if he would be and he says "yes, more time for you". Now I know that sounds sweet, but it wasn't. Not to me. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Took my breath right from my lungs. So of course I asked if he wanted to quit trying, he says no. He wants to have a baby, he will be happy when (or should I say if) it happens. I know he doesn't know what to say. Or how to say it. But that was the WRONG thing to say. I know he loves me and would love to have a family, but he's also the type that is just fine the way things are. He has not dove into this baby making head first like I have. Probably because it's not his body that is F'd up. Probably because it's not his body that is spewing blood at odd times, not having weird side effects, horrible thoughts about the future, and on and on. He doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know what I want him to say. So basically he just says nothing. Until today and he comes up with this. I know he meant no harm. I'm sure he's just trying to help me get over this, but it didn't help. I guess we don't have anything to even discuss. We aren't at the point of making further decisions. IUI, IVF, adoption, while all options, we're not there yet. I put too much pressure on myself to have this first medicated cycle work and now that it's obviously not I'm heartbroken. I know there are other cycles. More treatments. I just didn't want to have to go through all this.
And of course I feel go guilty. There are so many other women who are going through far worse than me. They have lost their babies, lost their husbands, lost their jobs, on and on. I have a happy life with my husband. I should be happy. I should be thrilled. I just can't be. And why do these women at my office have to continue to talk about babies, baby showers, the clothes and how cute they are. I seriously want to strangle someone. The girl on maternity leave comes back next Monday. I'm sure that is not helping my stress level. I honestly don't know how I am going to sit here, 5 feet away from her, and listen to her baby and all the stories and see all the pictures day in and day out. I just spent 9 LONG months listening to her talk about pregnancy and how awful that was and now this....when will it be my turn.
I feel sorry for writing this horribly negative post, but right now I have nothing positive to say. Please forgive me.

A 2 post day!

Well, the nurse called back. She said that breakthrough bleeding can be common when you're messing with the hormones. Despite everything I've read online that says breakthrough bleeding is NOT a symptom of Clomid. I'm going with what the nurse says at this point. She's going to talk to the Dr. (who is at the hospital, probably delivering someone else's little precious baby right now) and call me either later this afternoon or tomorrow. So at this point, I just have to wait and see. But I am not going to start another cycle right now. Or at least not another medicated cycle. So I guess now we wait again. But at least this time I can wait without feeling like I'm going to burst into tears! Small victories around here!