Today I cried

I cried for me, for my baby, for everything and nothing all in one.  

I heard back from the daycare.  The short story is that we aren't going to be able to do 'part time' daycare.  They only consider 8-12 part time.  We just need more than that.  So for 5 days a week at the full time rate I will be taking home about $20/pay period.  Not even enough to fill my gas tank.  So I will be working for health care. Which I realize is a lot, but it doesn't buy food for my table.

I cried for my baby.  I don't want him to feel like I'm leaving him with some stranger.  I don't want him to get sick. I just don't want to do this.

I cried for me.  I don't want to have to be worried about my baby all day while I'm at work.  I don't want to have to feel like I'm working for nothing.

I already feel like I'm not a good enough mother, wife, friend, employee, daughter.  I feel like I give everything I can to Patrick but after that there isn't enough left for the rest.  I'm tired at night so we sit in front of the tv or news paper and hardly talk much less anything else. I don't feel like talking on the phone. I haven't talked to good friends in weeks and owe several people a phone call back.  I do my job but feel like I need to be spending more time there.  And I know my mom needs help but I just haven't offered up my help like I used to.

So there you have it. Today I cried.