Is it Friday yet?

Ugh, this week is dragging on. I don't know if it's because I have too much to do to fit it all in so I'm tired and that makes the days seem to last forever or what. But I'm about ready for it to be OVER! I had to go in and get a blood draw for my thyroid levels (I've had issues for years) and my dose was increased in March because I wasn't feeling too well and really tired for no reason. So they did the test and determined I could probably handle a little more. Well, apparently now I'm getting too much (which I thought a side effect of that would be weight loss, not so!). So now she's prescribing me one dose every other day and a higher dose on the odd days...huh? How am I supposed to be remembering what day is what? I don't know if there's any better way, so I'm complaining for no reason. And of course she asked if I was pregnant, and of course I had to say no. She's my internist, but she knows we're trying. So of course that made me sad to have to say no...again.
I don't know why but some days are worse than others when it comes to baby thoughts....I can't stop thinking about it. A lot of women in the blogosphere are getting knocked up right now. I don't frequent the Nest anymore, it wasn't as helpful as I thought it was a year ago when I thought getting pregnant would be easy. So I'm sure there are more BFPs there too...but the ones I read about in blogs are enough. I'm not trying to say I'm not happy for them, I am. I'm just sad for me. It's the same with my real life friends. I'm beyond happy for them...but still sad for me. Selfish, I know. But lets face it, the human race is a selfish bunch by nature!
On the plus side, my RE appointment is 2 weeks from today. I know that this appointment isn't going to produce a baby, but at least it's one step closer. I'm nervous about the cost already. I have been getting the bills for the Clomid monitoring and holy crap are ultrasounds expensive. And stupid insurance companies won't cover any of it because it's for infertility....stupid insurance companies.
Anyway, enough negative babble. Not much longer til I get to leave work...that's the positive side of my day:-) And tomorrow is Friday...another positive thing!

Not a snowballs chance in hell

So we don't have a snowballs chance in hell of being pregnant this month. I was out of town during the opportune time and now Dean is working himself to death so he falls into bed about 11pm and is asleep before his head hits the pillow. And we all know what we need to be doing to have a baby...and we aren't doing any of that:-) I was feeling ok about it because I had been out of town and was blaming that for now, but I am feeling sad and frustrated again because of it. I really didn't think it would be this hard. And I hear about these high school girls trying to get pregnant and other women who get pregnant right away and it makes me sad. This is something I've been wanting now for a year and a half....seems like a long time. I haven't discussed anything with Dean for a while. I think he needs a break from it all. And we'll hopefully have plenty to discuss after our July 10th appointment. I have a feeling we will have to spend that cycle doing tests and trying to figure out our best options, but I'm hopeful for the August cycle. Maybe some medical science is just what we need! I'm hoping anyway.
And my poor grandma, doesn't want to make things worse, but she knows we're trying b/c of the miscarriage last year (which by the way is now over a year ago) and the last time I talked to her she asked if we were having any luck. Then she went on to tell me that she can't wait for that phone call and she's really hoping and praying for us. And then came this...she tells me that men should wear boxers b/c it's supposed to help things down there...I about died. It was so funny and embarrassing at the same time. I didn't mention to Dean that she said anything, he would have died too.
Other than being out of town for a few days for work, things are about the same. I'm hoping the next 2 weeks go quickly because I am so anxious for this appointment. I know next week will because of the holiday. We get Friday off and maybe Thursday afternoon too. I'm really excited about that. Then the crazy lady is out the next week for a few days and then our trip to NYC....the summer is flying by!

Here it goes....

So this is my blog...my place to vent my frustrations, share happy times, write whatever pops into my head. It for the most part has been my journey to getting pregnant and becoming a mother...but today, the focus is NOT on that. I do have a small tidbit of info to share on that front. We'll get to that first. I think I have started to have my first Clomid side effects. I have been waking up at night completely covered in sweat and SO hot. It happened several nights, and I of course couldn't think of what was happening until yesterday it just dawned on me...maybe these are night sweats or hot flashes! Either way, they aren't that bad and if it gets me a baby, I'm all for it. But other than that, no other side effects.
Now onto other things...my job. I HATE it. I'm so annoyed with the people I work with. They are basically useless. I feel somewhat guilty saying that, but today it's how I feel. One of them basically is convinced she's dying. She limps around here all the time and says 'I'm dying' or 'I'm not going to make it'. She has Rheumatoid Arthritis, so yes, she is in pain and probably has a lot going on, but seriously. If it's that bad, then you need to go to the dr, quit cancelling your appointments and keep taking your medicine. Don't just stop because you feel like it. And then the other one...seriously is about to drive me crazy. She's the one who was watching the golf on her computer the other day. And has continued to discuss the fact that she was watching it instead of working. And today she's been going on and on about how she's taking vacation for the 2 weeks around Christmas and New Years because she wants to spend the time with her kids. So since I don't have kids, I can't have time around a holiday off? HUH? And it's like 6 months away. Must we discuss it today? Maybe this is another side effect of the Clomid but these little things are driving me absolutely bat shit crazy! I don't know what our situation will be if/when we ever get pregnant, but I hope and pray that I can stay home with my baby. Or at least work part time. If I can get out of here even half the time I think I'd be happier! Oh....and if you're asking why I don't' just quit? Well, it's not that easy. I work for my dad, the business he built. I don't think he'd take it too kindly if I up and quit! But he might understand if it were for a baby. So we'll see about that. Poor Dean has enough to deal with, I don't think he is going to want to discuss me staying home when we don't even have the possibility of a baby to stay home with.
Anyway, so that's the vent for the day. The happy news is, I'm going to a company conference (the upside to my job) until Sunday. So technically today is my Friday! I'm excited about that, but sad about leaving Dean. (It's only for 4 days, so I'll be ok:-) I'm not taking my laptop (too much hassle) so I'll hopefully have lots of blog reading to catch up on next week!

If I hire a hit man...

Would I go to prison? Seriously I am trying to keep my cool today but it is NOT working. This CRAZY woman I work with is over there on the phone with every person she knows discussing the final round of the US Open that she is watching on the Internet. SERIOUSLY? We don't get paid to watch tv. I love golf, my husband is in the business, I watch it a lot. I follow a lot of the guys and yes, I have been checking the PGA website to see who is leading. But I am not announcing it to the world. I don't think that is necessary or appropriate at work. So I guess I don't feel that bad about screwing around on the Internet while she's over there watching TV. I'm so annoyed I can hardly stand to sit here. I wish I had a good enough reason to leave early, but I don't.

Ugh....anyway, now that's out of my system I can hopefully move on! (and keep hoping for the end of the day to get here like NOW!)


Sorry for the vent, but if it didn't come out here it was going to come out somewhere else:-)

Lull

I have come to a lull in the work load today which usually leads my mind off in a million different directions. Today it is wandering to my plans for the weekend and my trip next week that I'm going on for work. And of course it always wanders to babies. The thought of others babies, my own, just babies in general. I got the cutest baby announcement in the mail yesterday with a sweet photo that is now plastered on my fridge with all my other friends kids! I also got my packet from Michigan Reproductive (what a nice name huh?, they couldn't have picked something a little less technical? guess not). Either way, it came and I was excited. I tore it open and read every word. There were estimate prices for procedures, a packet of information for me to fill out and return before the appointment. And information on all the different things they offer in their office. I was so excited, but Dean has too much going on at work right now, he can't think about this too. I wish he could, but he is your typical man. One thing at a time and he absolutely can't talk about the 'what if'...I don't know why, just can't. I'm working on dealing with it on my own. Realizing I can't talk about it all the time with him even though it's on my mind all the time! That's what I use this for:-) and my friends! This week flew by with all the fun act ivies, and I know next week will too because I'm gone for 4 days. So that gets us a little closer to July 10th! And there's a holiday in there too...yay! I'm always excited for short work weeks!

So Tired

I don't have any baby news to share. No updates, no appointments, no discussions, nothing. Which in all reality is just fine. I'm sort of anxious for a break. I need to stop thinking, obsessing, whatever. I mean we'll still 'try' this cycle, but not being totally immersed in it will be just fine by me!
I was out late last night and drank a little too much so now I'm seriously dragging at work. An hour and a half left and then home to take a nap and do it all again tonight! I love having out of town friends around, but my sleep habits don't appreciate it! I just hope I can get a little rest when I get home!
Well, now that you've gotten the update on my oh so exciting life (note sarcasm here), I guess I should get back to work.

Highs and Lows

I realize that life is all about the highs and lows...but sometimes it just sucks. Dean and I were supposed to go to our local parade of homes last night. Of course he had to work so we got a late start. It bothers me that he says he'll be somewhere when he knows full well that he can't get away that quick. Anyway, so we got on our way and looked at some beautiful houses!! I love our new house, but it is fun to look at others! We stopped half way through to have a bite to eat and here's where the blows come. We start talking about the specialist and the appointment and how I'm excited and all this. He basically says nothing. Then he says 'Aren't you scared'? Scared? Um, yes! Terrified, but excited at the same time. And then he goes into this whole thing about he doesn't want anyone to know that we need a specialist to get pregnant. He wants to happen 'on it's own'....what ever that means. So if you know me in real life...don't say anything about this to him! I tried to explain that people don't usually ask how you get pregnant. Most people already know! Sort of funny. So then after he gets over this little hump of nervousness (I can tell by the look on his face that he is nervous and scared at this point...I hate to think how he's going to be on July 10th!! ), he asks if we could have twins with any of these other procedures. And then it comes out...he wants twin girls. WHAT? I was shocked. All this from the man that says if it happens it's good, if it doesn't it's good too...and now he wants twin girls...I was shocked to say the least. I asked if he wanted a boy and he sort of made a face. Too funny! So anyway, God, if you're listening, my husband wants twin girls! I know he loves me and I know he will love our child/children when and if we have them, but this process is really trying my patience!