Last Post

This is Suzanne, Amanda's friend, writing on her behalf.
Amanda suffered a stroke late last week. She passed away on April 24, 2010.
There was a beautiful article written in the local paper. You can find it here.
Amanda's closest friends and I know that some of you are loyal followers and know that she posts pretty regularly. We knew that you would want to know what happened and help in any way you could.
You can go here and read her life story. Along with her life story, you will find a memory page, guest book, and contributions page. There you will find how to contribute to Patrick's future education fund.
Thank you for following Amanda's road to motherhood. I know that she found some comfort in sharing in others' long & difficult journeys.
Please pray for Amanda's family in the coming weeks & months.

There's a lot going on...

The last few weeks have been a bit of a blur....so here's the story in a nutshell.

I have been having some digestive issues since December.  I finally decided to get it checked out since it wasn't getting better or going away. After an appointment with my internist and a referral to a GI doc I finally had a colonoscopy (YUCK!!) and it was determined I have crohn's disease.  Not too happy with this diagnosis although it could be worse.  So they put me on some medication and told me to come back in 30 days. Apparently this is a common protocol for this issue, but it seems odd to me to put someone on medication and not see them for 30 days.  Anyway, I get the drugs and read through the paperwork from the pharmacy.  One says absolutely do not breastfeed while taking this medication and the other says there have been no tests done so probably not a good idea to BF while taking this med.  So I call the GI doc and the nurse tells me that there are no other options and I have to make the decision to either quit breastfeeding or not take the meds.  But that I need the meds if I want to get better.  So I call my internist.  Get the same info.  Call my brother who's 2 months away from being an MD.  Get the same info.  So after several days of serious discussions with my husband and some soul searching, we have decided that our time with breastfeeding is over.  I can't put this off any longer. I need to start feeling better so I can be a better mom.  So this week we are working on weaning to formula.  Patrick already gets a bottle of pumped milk and apparently that is half the battle.  So for right now we're only nursing once a day and he's getting 3/4 bm to 1/4 formula for every other bottle.  I'm still pumping in the morning and night but have cut out 2 feedings.  I figure in another day or so I will quit the nursing session and then slowly cut out the pumping.  I may be uncomfortable for a day or so, but I hope to be completely done this weekend so I can start my treatment.  It sounds like a horrible treatment but at least it's only for 30 days.  And from what I read I should start to feel better in 3-5 days.

This has been a very rough transition for me.  I didn't think I cared that much about breastfeeding.  I just did it because that's what I thought I was supposed to do.  I didn't have an aversion to formula feeding or a love for breastfeeding.  But I have come to enjoy bf-ing and like that time with my baby.  There have been a lot of tears over the last few weeks, but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing the right thing.  I need to take care of myself if I want to take care of my baby.  I think my biggest battle is other people.  Everyone seems to think I'm being silly about all this.  That it's not that big of deal.  While I understand that many babies are formula fed, that is not my issue.  I am not worried he will be malnurished or not get what he needs.  I just know I will miss the time I have with him.  And of course with all our previous issues getting pregnant I think about our future children.  Will we have any?  Maybe I won't be able to BF for some other reason.  I can't imagine there is that much time to devote to it with another little one running around.  So essentially I'm just not ready to give this up just yet. But I'm sure in a week or two it will all be second nature and we'll be all back to normal.  One can hope:-)

Happy Birthday

to me:-) The big 3-0 this year!  I just know it's going to be a great one!  Can't wait to spend it with my boys!

Finally 7 months

The last month flew by.  All of a sudden we're at the end of March, Dean's back at work and spring is right around the corner!  And Patrick is growing and learning everyday.  Here's what we're up to now!

~ Sitting up!  It has taken some practice but he's finally able to sit up on his own for short periods of time.  He does better when he has a toy or something to focus on.

~ He still loves standing up. He's even learning that if he pulls up on our hands he can go from laying to sitting to standing.

~ He has milk 5 times a day.  It varies based on what time he gets up but he has 2-3 bottles (5-6 oz) and then nurses the other 2-3 times.

~ We're starting to do solids/purees 3 times a day.  He still isn't interested in finger foods. Maybe in a few weeks.

~ He's finally into some of his 6 month sized clohes.  And I think ALL the 3 month sizes are too small.

~ Still only has 2 teeth

~ Loves reading, singing and watching us dance around for him.  He loves to laugh and smile. Usually only fusses when he's tired or when he wants attention.

His little personality is starting to shine through.  He's been going to work with Dean in the mornings and then I pick him up at noon.  So that gives us a few more opportunities to get out and do some things. He loves all the activity.  Loves looking at all the people, smiling and flirting with all the old ladies!  So cute.  Since it has all been going pretty well I decided that we should go shopping yesterday.  It had been a rough week so I thought a little retail therapy would be good.  My mom and I went to lunch, which went fine.  Shopping however not so much.  First there were no carts.  So I was carrying him which resulted in a leaking diaper. All over him and all over me.  So we went back to the car and I changed him. I decided it was best if I just gave up and we waited in the car for my mom. He fell asleep and actually took a good nap.  I was disappointed but I think this just teaches me that I need to go out more often so I can get better at it. Every time is a learning experience. So hopefully at some point I won't be so nervous taking him out!

Naptime is probably almost over so I'd better get busy doing a few things.  Both Patrick and I aren't feeling well today so it may not be that productive of a day. Oh well...hopefully this week we'll get everything done because we're having a surprise party for my mom on Saturday...wish me luck!  I'm nervous about it and not sure if I'll get it all done!!!

The week from hell and 7 months

Updates soon I promise! 
Until then....my happy boy!

The devil

Day light saving time that is...ugh this week has been awful.  I'm exhausted, despite getting a full night sleep every night) and Patrick has decided that his bedtime routine is no longer what he wants.  It takes so much longer to get him to sleep and to stay asleep.  I don't know if it's because it's light out now at bedtime? Or if it's because of the time? He is back to sleeping later so he's not melting down at 6:30 like he was. So we're letting him/keeping him up later (by later I mean all of 30 minutes or so).  He's still in bed by 7:30.  But tonight it took 20 minutes to get him to sleep...what used to take all of 5.  Just frustrating.  And the sleeping in?  Great right?  Except that I just know that he'll be up super early on Saturday when I want to sleep in...oh well. 

And in other news....we have our 1st case of the missing toy.  And I can't even blame Patrick because he can't move them anywhere yet!  I don't even really care about the toy, but somehow it crossed my mind and now it's driving me CRAZY!  Oh well...I'm on the search for some new toys anyway.  I think he's bored with the ones we have.  I got one today at Target, but I'm not in love with it.  I will keep looking for a few other things here and there.  I'm sure it won't be long and he'll have out grown these little teether/rattle toys anyway. 

Ok, let the evening begin. Thank gosh it's Friday tomorrow!!!

Today I cried

I cried for me, for my baby, for everything and nothing all in one.  

I heard back from the daycare.  The short story is that we aren't going to be able to do 'part time' daycare.  They only consider 8-12 part time.  We just need more than that.  So for 5 days a week at the full time rate I will be taking home about $20/pay period.  Not even enough to fill my gas tank.  So I will be working for health care. Which I realize is a lot, but it doesn't buy food for my table.

I cried for my baby.  I don't want him to feel like I'm leaving him with some stranger.  I don't want him to get sick. I just don't want to do this.

I cried for me.  I don't want to have to be worried about my baby all day while I'm at work.  I don't want to have to feel like I'm working for nothing.

I already feel like I'm not a good enough mother, wife, friend, employee, daughter.  I feel like I give everything I can to Patrick but after that there isn't enough left for the rest.  I'm tired at night so we sit in front of the tv or news paper and hardly talk much less anything else. I don't feel like talking on the phone. I haven't talked to good friends in weeks and owe several people a phone call back.  I do my job but feel like I need to be spending more time there.  And I know my mom needs help but I just haven't offered up my help like I used to.

So there you have it. Today I cried.

Cranky baby syndrome

That is what was going on around here this weekend.  Patrick wanted no one but mommy.  If I was in sight but not holding him, he was crying.  Sometimes even if I was holding him he was crying.  I made sure he was fed, warm, changed and he was still not happy.  I checked his head for fever, checked his mouth for teeth and all was fine.  I think he was just crabby.  Poor little boy.  Hopefully tomorrow is better for him!

6 month well baby visit

I swear I'm going to get better at posting, but when Patrick only sleeps for 30 minutes at a time...I run out of computer time. And to be quite honest I'm too tired at night to care! 

Anyway, while he's still happy in there...the stat were good at the doctor.  He weighs 13 lbs, 10 oz (3rd %), is 25 inches long (10th%) and head circumfrence is 17.5" (75%). So he's still on the small side but he's growing on his own curve so the doc isn't concerned.  He gave us a few things to look for/work towards for the 9 month appointment.  He wants to see him starting to eat finger foods, sitting up unassisted and pulling himself up to standing by then.  All of which I think he will do fine. 

Ok. Naptimes over.  I would promise more updates later...but we all know how that will go:-)

6 Months Old

 So I'm a little late on this one....but the little guy is 6 months old. We are heading to his 6 month appt. tomorrow.  Here's the latest...
~ Sleep - still going well.  He naps 2-3 times a day for about 30 minutes each.  He's even been napping in his crib which is a step in the right direction.  Nightime sleep continues to go well.  He's even been going down a little earlier than normal.  And about 2 weeks ago started waking up between 6 and 6:30 instead of 8 or 8:30 (hence the 3 naps a day!)  But he wakes up happy so that's about all we can ask for.  Last Saturday he laid in his crib playing and singing for an hour!  No crying, no fussing, just playing. 
~ Eating - He's nursing/gets a bottle about 5 times a day. And gets a stage 2 fruit in the morning and veggie in the afternoon.  He still loves all the food we've tried so far.  Since he's been waking up earlier in the morning I haven't been pumping which has made it difficult to get much to freeze. I'm worried my supply is starting to drop but hopefully it's just a little bump. I will keep up with the water and try to eat a little better in hopes it can keep up.  He's still only getting around 6 oz in each bottle but he seems ok with that.  I plan on asking the doctor tomorrow what his recommendations are for increasing solids and moving onto finger foods.
~ Play - Patrick loves to play with his toys.  He would prefer if we were playing with him though.  He's finally decided he likes his exersaucer (for a limited amount of time). He can move it around and play with all the toys.  He still likes his playmat.  And he's has figured out he can pick up something that he wants.  He will stare at a toy so intensly until we bring him to it so he can pick it up.
Other noteworthy things ~
~ He loves to stand up. 
~ He is learning to sit up unassisted. He doesn't quite have it yet, but we're getting there
~ He's getting really good at grabbing at things (toys, glasses, hair, etc)
~ We went out to dinner the other night and he did great.  He isn't too happy to be left in his carseat anymore, so that makes for an interesting meal. But he was happy and did really well
~ He came to work with me yesterday for a while. Not something I would want to do on a regular basis, but it went ok.
~ The drool is back!  If the past is any indication, there may be some more teeth coming soon!
~ He is starting to develop some mommy separation anxiety. And as much as I think this is so sweet, it's also heartbreaking.  Now that he's awake when I leave for work, it makes it really hard when he's crying!!  But it's so sweet when I come home and he reaches for me! 

That's about all for the 6 month update.  I'm sure there is more but for right now that's all I can remember.  I'll try to update tomorrow after the appointment. Here's hoping for some good weight gain (we think there will be, we've been tracking it at home), easy shots and a happy baby! 

The touch of a baby

There is nothing sweeter than the touch of a baby. Patrick has discovered our faces.  He loves to pat our noses, put his fingers on our lips and of course grab at glasses and hair.  He is learning with every touch, pull and grab.  Usually I set him straight.  Pull his hand away and say no pulling, no grabbing, no glasses.  But at night it's a different kind of touch.  We have our night time bottle, get ready for bed and say our good nights the same way everynight.  We head upstairs, turn off the light and sit in the rocking chair and cuddle up.  He cuddles his face into the crook of my arm and reaches up and lays his hand on my cheek almost as to say good night, I love you mom.  It brings tears to my eyes as he pulls his sweet hand back to his body, closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep.  I love my boy.  More than words can express. 

Baby's Schedule

Since August everyone asks about the baby's schedule.  How does he eat?  Is he sleeping?  A lot?  In his own room?  Does he roll, have teeth, etc. etc.  And of course we answer these questions smiling from ear to ear, as any proud new parents would.  And as soon as the words are out of our mouth, we hear "that's great, as soon as you get a schedule he'll change it on you"....what?  Why do people insist on taking away your good news by telling you it won't last?  And for the last 6 months we've just had a few weeks of waking up in the middle of the night, or issues eating but for the most part Patrick put himself on a schedule and he stuck to it.  Until now...he's decided that an acceptable time to wake up is 6 am.  Not the usually 8 or 8:30.  I don't mind during the week. I have to get up to pump and get ready for work anyway, but on the weekend???  Um, no thanks. I'll take 8am any day! So I guess all those peeps were right...his schedule finally changed!  Now the question is will it change back??

Snap out of it

That is exactly what I need to do. I've been in a craptasic mood all week.  I am still getting over this cold, which isn't making me feel much better.  I feel like my schedule right now sucks.  I have all this time but yet I feel like I am always rushing.  And I keep thinking in another couple of weeks it will be different, in a another couple of months it will be different...but I've been saying that since August. And yes, things change over the weeks and months but now it's time for ME to change.  It might take a while, but this is my first step.  Admitting it.  Now it's time to work on the plan....just not sure what that plan should be yet.  But I know that to be the best mother I can be, I need to do something!!

Illness, teeth and the last week

I have been wanting to update....but many things have kept me from it. 
First, illness.  Daddy came home with a cold from Orlando. I was diligent about washing hands, keeping everything clean, etc.etc., and of course just when I thought we were out of the woods...boom.  I get sick.  At first I thought it was just a cough, but it turned into a full blown cold.  Awful!  I wasn't sick the entire time I was pregnant with Patrick so I think I had it coming. I'm still stuffed up and coughing but I feel much better.  And despite all our efforts, Patrick is coughing and a little stuffy too. I'm hoping it doesn't develop into much more than that!
Teeth...we have 2!  Two cute little bottom teeth poking through.  They didn't seem to bother him much.  But on top of the cold, he was extra cuddly.  Any mommy loves that!  He's so cute. He throws his arms around us like he's giving a big bear hug. I know he doesn't really know what he's doing, but it's the sweetest thing in the world!  Being sick and having sore gums are no fun, but I'll take the extra cuddles anyday! 
So here we are at the start of a new week.  Looking down the barrel at March, and as everyone keeps reminding me, golf season.  And golf season means daddy goes back to work and Patrick goes to daycare.  I was ok going back to work when I knew he would be at home. But for some reason this is hitting me harder than I thought.  I think part of it is trying to figure out the logistics.  Dean doesn't have a set schedule.  So we need to decide if we are going to have me take him and pick him up everyday?  Which leaves no time for me to do anything before/after work (gym, grocery store, lunch etc) or to try to figure out if Dean can take him and I pick him up later.  Or just how it might work.  He keeps talking about sending him to daycare but everytime I bring it up to talk about how we're going to do it, he won't talk.  It's frustrating.  I don't know if I'm just supposed to figure it out on my own?  Or if he thinks that miraculously one of us is going to be able to stay home or what.  But it's frustrating.  Maybe I'll try the discussion again this week. 
I can see I need to update more...I feel bad having all this stuff in one post, but just one more thing...prayers.  I need some prayers for a few good friends going through a rough spot.  Two medical situations, one husband leaving for a year and a job issue.  I don't really feel it's my place to go into these in detail, but if you have any extra prayers...I know a few people who could use them right now.  I know my list is getting longer and those prayers are being said everyday! 

Teeth??

Yep that's right....1 pearly white tooth breaking through his soft pink gums.  Doesn't that sound awful?  No wonder he's been a little clingy and fussy.  Baby Tylenol did wonders last night and his slight fever is gone today.  So with one poking through, I'm sure there are more to follow. I can actually see the one right next to it, so it won't be long now!

P.S. Where's my spell check?  I am an educated girl...but I need spell check! haha!

Weight check

We had a quick appointment on Thursday to check Patricks weight....and I'm happy to report he's up to 12 pounds 12 ounces! YAY!!! He gained almost a pound. The doctor was happy with that weight and said to keep doing what we're doing. He checked out a few more things and Patrick wowed him with his rolling ability and then we were on our way. It's such a relief to leave the doctor's office feeling like we're doing something right. I love our doctor! He always makes us feel like we're doing right by our boy! We go back in another month for his 6 month appointment. At which the doctor said he'll probably have teeth because (and I quote) he's a 'drool bucket'! haha!! I failed to mention he's been drooling like that for months! I guess we'll see. So that's the latest with the boy!

Cancer sucks

Things with my mom's chemo were going ok. She had some growth on her last scans, but not enough to be too concerned about. The treatment is going ok, same laundry list of side effects, but she tolerates it ok. The drive to Detroit every 3rd week is getting tiresome for both of them. But the drug seemed to be working. Seemed to be doing what it is supposed to be doing. Thursday at her appointment, she was kicked off her study. Apparently the drug company didn't agree with how they read the report. And after several phone calls, re-reads, and discussions with the lead doctor on the study, they are not willing to jeopardize the study results and leave her on it. CRAP. So now it's back to square one. She will do a few treatments here with her old cancer center and wait for another study to open up. They are pretty certain she will qualify for one with no problem. My mom takes everything so well. Just keeps on truckin' and never lets on that this is a big deal....but this is a BIG deal. What if she doesn't qualify for a new study? What if there's nothing new out there for her to try? The old treatment wasn't as effective as it was when she started it. There are other drugs out there but they make her incredibly sick. Needless to say the last 15 months have been a blessing. It was great she was accepted to the study. Great they kept the growth at bay for so long. Great that the side effects weren't that bad. We all knew this was coming eventually, but were hoping it would last a little longer. So for now we wait. Wait for something new. Something better. And hope in the meantime she can continue to do as well as she has in the last 15 months!

Single parenting

It's not what I thought it would be like. It's easier at the times I thought it would be the hardest. It's hardest at times I am not expecting it to be. Needless to say, I don't think I'm cut out for it and I can't wait until Tuesday! Patrick has been so good this weekend. He got himself overtired yesterday and had a meltdown before bed. But as soon as bedtime rolled around he went right to sleep. And he's been getting up an hour earlier than normal (which is still 7:30 so not too early) but I'm not sure why. But he wakes up happy and that's all I can ask for. We've kept ourselves busy but being in this big empty house all night is lonely! We're headed to my parents today for a while this afternoon. Hopefully that will break up the day. And I have to go to work tomorrow. I guess I'd better get busy doing housework. Apparently when I'm the only one here I don't feel the need to clean as much...so this house needs it!!!

The future

As I was putting Patrick to bed tonight, looking down at his sweet, sleeping face, I couldn't help but think about the future. What will bedtime be like this summer? In a year? Two years? I just can't picture us with a toddler. I can't picture Patrick walking, talking and growing up....why is that? Is that normal? And honestly our days blur together. They are over as quick as they start it seems so I don't have much time to think about all this. But tonight I'm a single parent. Daddy is in Orlando and I have the house and evening to myself and apparently this is where my thoughts are going. I love my sweet baby and that love grows everyday...and I know that means he is growing with it.

Couple more things...

A few things I forgot yesterday....

~ A new favorite pastime is standing up. He loves to hold our hands and stand up. He likes to look around and watch what's going on.



~ He loves to watch the cats. It's like he just started noticing they are around. They usually hide out during the day when he's awake.



~ He is learning to take toys from us. He focuses really hard on it and then snatches it up and puts it right in his mouth. Even if he's crying!



~ He has learned a little separation anxiety. He totally knows when we leave the room!!

Ok I think that's about all...again:-) I think of all these things I want to remember but don't get around to posting them. I guess some things take priority and this isn't always one of them!