Last Post

This is Suzanne, Amanda's friend, writing on her behalf.
Amanda suffered a stroke late last week. She passed away on April 24, 2010.
There was a beautiful article written in the local paper. You can find it here.
Amanda's closest friends and I know that some of you are loyal followers and know that she posts pretty regularly. We knew that you would want to know what happened and help in any way you could.
You can go here and read her life story. Along with her life story, you will find a memory page, guest book, and contributions page. There you will find how to contribute to Patrick's future education fund.
Thank you for following Amanda's road to motherhood. I know that she found some comfort in sharing in others' long & difficult journeys.
Please pray for Amanda's family in the coming weeks & months.

There's a lot going on...

The last few weeks have been a bit of a blur....so here's the story in a nutshell.

I have been having some digestive issues since December.  I finally decided to get it checked out since it wasn't getting better or going away. After an appointment with my internist and a referral to a GI doc I finally had a colonoscopy (YUCK!!) and it was determined I have crohn's disease.  Not too happy with this diagnosis although it could be worse.  So they put me on some medication and told me to come back in 30 days. Apparently this is a common protocol for this issue, but it seems odd to me to put someone on medication and not see them for 30 days.  Anyway, I get the drugs and read through the paperwork from the pharmacy.  One says absolutely do not breastfeed while taking this medication and the other says there have been no tests done so probably not a good idea to BF while taking this med.  So I call the GI doc and the nurse tells me that there are no other options and I have to make the decision to either quit breastfeeding or not take the meds.  But that I need the meds if I want to get better.  So I call my internist.  Get the same info.  Call my brother who's 2 months away from being an MD.  Get the same info.  So after several days of serious discussions with my husband and some soul searching, we have decided that our time with breastfeeding is over.  I can't put this off any longer. I need to start feeling better so I can be a better mom.  So this week we are working on weaning to formula.  Patrick already gets a bottle of pumped milk and apparently that is half the battle.  So for right now we're only nursing once a day and he's getting 3/4 bm to 1/4 formula for every other bottle.  I'm still pumping in the morning and night but have cut out 2 feedings.  I figure in another day or so I will quit the nursing session and then slowly cut out the pumping.  I may be uncomfortable for a day or so, but I hope to be completely done this weekend so I can start my treatment.  It sounds like a horrible treatment but at least it's only for 30 days.  And from what I read I should start to feel better in 3-5 days.

This has been a very rough transition for me.  I didn't think I cared that much about breastfeeding.  I just did it because that's what I thought I was supposed to do.  I didn't have an aversion to formula feeding or a love for breastfeeding.  But I have come to enjoy bf-ing and like that time with my baby.  There have been a lot of tears over the last few weeks, but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing the right thing.  I need to take care of myself if I want to take care of my baby.  I think my biggest battle is other people.  Everyone seems to think I'm being silly about all this.  That it's not that big of deal.  While I understand that many babies are formula fed, that is not my issue.  I am not worried he will be malnurished or not get what he needs.  I just know I will miss the time I have with him.  And of course with all our previous issues getting pregnant I think about our future children.  Will we have any?  Maybe I won't be able to BF for some other reason.  I can't imagine there is that much time to devote to it with another little one running around.  So essentially I'm just not ready to give this up just yet. But I'm sure in a week or two it will all be second nature and we'll be all back to normal.  One can hope:-)

Happy Birthday

to me:-) The big 3-0 this year!  I just know it's going to be a great one!  Can't wait to spend it with my boys!

Finally 7 months

The last month flew by.  All of a sudden we're at the end of March, Dean's back at work and spring is right around the corner!  And Patrick is growing and learning everyday.  Here's what we're up to now!

~ Sitting up!  It has taken some practice but he's finally able to sit up on his own for short periods of time.  He does better when he has a toy or something to focus on.

~ He still loves standing up. He's even learning that if he pulls up on our hands he can go from laying to sitting to standing.

~ He has milk 5 times a day.  It varies based on what time he gets up but he has 2-3 bottles (5-6 oz) and then nurses the other 2-3 times.

~ We're starting to do solids/purees 3 times a day.  He still isn't interested in finger foods. Maybe in a few weeks.

~ He's finally into some of his 6 month sized clohes.  And I think ALL the 3 month sizes are too small.

~ Still only has 2 teeth

~ Loves reading, singing and watching us dance around for him.  He loves to laugh and smile. Usually only fusses when he's tired or when he wants attention.

His little personality is starting to shine through.  He's been going to work with Dean in the mornings and then I pick him up at noon.  So that gives us a few more opportunities to get out and do some things. He loves all the activity.  Loves looking at all the people, smiling and flirting with all the old ladies!  So cute.  Since it has all been going pretty well I decided that we should go shopping yesterday.  It had been a rough week so I thought a little retail therapy would be good.  My mom and I went to lunch, which went fine.  Shopping however not so much.  First there were no carts.  So I was carrying him which resulted in a leaking diaper. All over him and all over me.  So we went back to the car and I changed him. I decided it was best if I just gave up and we waited in the car for my mom. He fell asleep and actually took a good nap.  I was disappointed but I think this just teaches me that I need to go out more often so I can get better at it. Every time is a learning experience. So hopefully at some point I won't be so nervous taking him out!

Naptime is probably almost over so I'd better get busy doing a few things.  Both Patrick and I aren't feeling well today so it may not be that productive of a day. Oh well...hopefully this week we'll get everything done because we're having a surprise party for my mom on Saturday...wish me luck!  I'm nervous about it and not sure if I'll get it all done!!!

The week from hell and 7 months

Updates soon I promise! 
Until then....my happy boy!

The devil

Day light saving time that is...ugh this week has been awful.  I'm exhausted, despite getting a full night sleep every night) and Patrick has decided that his bedtime routine is no longer what he wants.  It takes so much longer to get him to sleep and to stay asleep.  I don't know if it's because it's light out now at bedtime? Or if it's because of the time? He is back to sleeping later so he's not melting down at 6:30 like he was. So we're letting him/keeping him up later (by later I mean all of 30 minutes or so).  He's still in bed by 7:30.  But tonight it took 20 minutes to get him to sleep...what used to take all of 5.  Just frustrating.  And the sleeping in?  Great right?  Except that I just know that he'll be up super early on Saturday when I want to sleep in...oh well. 

And in other news....we have our 1st case of the missing toy.  And I can't even blame Patrick because he can't move them anywhere yet!  I don't even really care about the toy, but somehow it crossed my mind and now it's driving me CRAZY!  Oh well...I'm on the search for some new toys anyway.  I think he's bored with the ones we have.  I got one today at Target, but I'm not in love with it.  I will keep looking for a few other things here and there.  I'm sure it won't be long and he'll have out grown these little teether/rattle toys anyway. 

Ok, let the evening begin. Thank gosh it's Friday tomorrow!!!

Today I cried

I cried for me, for my baby, for everything and nothing all in one.  

I heard back from the daycare.  The short story is that we aren't going to be able to do 'part time' daycare.  They only consider 8-12 part time.  We just need more than that.  So for 5 days a week at the full time rate I will be taking home about $20/pay period.  Not even enough to fill my gas tank.  So I will be working for health care. Which I realize is a lot, but it doesn't buy food for my table.

I cried for my baby.  I don't want him to feel like I'm leaving him with some stranger.  I don't want him to get sick. I just don't want to do this.

I cried for me.  I don't want to have to be worried about my baby all day while I'm at work.  I don't want to have to feel like I'm working for nothing.

I already feel like I'm not a good enough mother, wife, friend, employee, daughter.  I feel like I give everything I can to Patrick but after that there isn't enough left for the rest.  I'm tired at night so we sit in front of the tv or news paper and hardly talk much less anything else. I don't feel like talking on the phone. I haven't talked to good friends in weeks and owe several people a phone call back.  I do my job but feel like I need to be spending more time there.  And I know my mom needs help but I just haven't offered up my help like I used to.

So there you have it. Today I cried.